Funny Jokes

The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying across the ocean when the plane developed engine trouble. Everyone was doomed. The priest turned to the rabbi and said, “Before I die there’s something that I would like to know. You being Jewish and all — have you ever tasted ham?” “Well,” the rabbi laughed, “sure I’ve tasted ham. But tell me father, before we die — could you tell me if you have [...]

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King Kong Joke 1 After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. “That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, [...]

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A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: “No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!”

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A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, please stand up.” Right away, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Why do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “I don’t, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

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Bar Joke 1 A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, I m Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, I m Jesus Christ. So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, Bar Joke 2 There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday [...]

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One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall at chow time. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!” Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?” Much to the amusement [...]

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A husband and wife are watching “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,” and the husband winks and says, “Honey, let’s go upstairs…” The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no. So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?” The wife says yes. The husband says, “Well, can I phone a friend?”

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Whats the difference between an Emo and a puppy? The puppy stops whining once it gets to the park. Whats the difference between an emo and a tennis ball? The tennis ball bounces if you throw it off of a tall building. Why did the man bury the emo kids alive? Because he had heard that although on the surface they are rather annoying,deep down they are quite nice people. An emo kid goes to [...]

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Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?” The other old lady said,”It’s a condom.” “A [...]

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