Adult Jokes

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any chance of contact, which could happen pretty easily, since he had been desperate for quite a while.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of her night table, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.

Funny Rude Joke 1
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

Funny Rude Joke 2
Why can’t scientists find a cure for AIDS?
They can’t get the laboratory mice to arse fuck.

Funny Rude Joke 3
Why can’t women read maps?
Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

Funny Rude Joke 4
Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?
You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet!

Funny Rude Joke 5
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snow blower coming.

Funny Adult Joke 1
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
The blonde, because she’s 18.

Funny Adult Joke 2
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.

Funny Adult Joke 3
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!

Funny Adult Joke 4
Define “Egghead:”
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Funny Adult Joke 5
Did ya hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
It works by changing your blood type!!

Three male work friends decided to take their wives on a gambling vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The gambling vacation week flew by and they all had a great time in the casinos gambling.

After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their Vegas vacation.

The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back from Vegas, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags!

“Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband.

“To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!”

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.

“What do you think you are doing?” she screamed.

“I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1,000 a year!”

Adult jokes, not suitable for young children.

Adult Joke 1
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A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.

A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, “Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?”

The wife replies, “Cut it off and shove it up his arse!”

The undertaker does as he is told.

On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, “It fucking hurts doesn’t it!”

Please comment on this adult joke below or if you know a better adult joke please post it.

A man went to see his doctor.
“You need to stop masturbating,” the doctor said.
The man asked, “Why?”
The doctor replied, “Because I'm trying to examine you!”

Helga was hang the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

''Gootness, iss hot,'' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, ''Vy nought?'' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.

“Bartender,” she said. “I vill have unt cold beer, please.''

The bartender asked, ''Anheuser Busch?''

''Vell, fine, tanks,” she said, “Just unt leetle svetty.''

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ”Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

There is a Bar in Calumpang who have has a Horse and they have a contest of it. Whoever will make the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free drinks.

So a man from Manila comes in and the Bartender looks at him and he ask for a beer and he ask the Bartender about the contest.

The Bartender tells him that whoever makes the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free beer on the house.

So this guy whisper something to the horse and the horse rolls over and laughing!!!

EEEEEEeeeeeeehhhh!!!

He takes the P5,000 from the Bartender, drinks a lot of beer.

Three guys are in a strip club. One guy walks over to a stripper, licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks it to one side of her butt.

The next guy doesn’t want to be shown up so he takes a 100 dollar bill, licks it, and sticks it to the other side of her butt.

The third guy doesn’t want to be shown up but he doesn’t have any money. He thinks for a moment and suddenly he gets an idea. He walks over to the stripper, takes out his ATM card, slides it down the crack of her ass, takes his 150 dollars and goes home!

Pamela Anderson and the Queen of England die on the same day. As they are approaching the gates of heaven, God tells them that there is only ONE spot left.

Knowing this, Pamela decides to seduce God by showing her bare breasts.

God looks at them and says, “Very nice.”

“Does that mean I”m in?” says Pamela.

God looks over to his side and sees the Queen of England douching in the corner.

He looks back at Pamela and says, “Sorry, a royal flush always beats a pair.”