Funny Rude Joke 2
Why can’t scientists find a cure for AIDS?
They can’t get the laboratory mice to arse fuck.

Funny Rude Joke 3
Why can’t women read maps?
Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

Funny Rude Joke 4
Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?
You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet!

Funny Rude Joke 5
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snow blower coming.

Funny Rude Joke 6
Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Funny Rude Joke 7
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Funny Rude Joke 8
Why did god give men penises?
So they’d always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Funny Rude Joke 9
Why did God invent yeast infection?
So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.

Funny Rude Joke 10
why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
To see her crack

Funny Rude Joke 11
Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face moaning, “Lie to me!”

Funny Rude Joke 12
Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
Her lipstick

Funny Rude Joke 13
Why did the boy fall off the swing?
He didn’t have any arms.

Funny Rude Joke 14
Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
He came home shit faced.

Funny Rude Joke 15
Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
So sex wouldn’t be such a pain in the arse.

Funny Rude Joke 16
Why did the lumber truck stop?
To let the lumber jack off.

Funny Rude Joke 17
Why did the woman cross the road?
Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?

Funny Rude Joke 18
Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
She wanted to mount the horse her way.

Funny Rude Joke 19
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Funny Rude Joke 20
Why do bunnies have soft sex?
They have cotton balls

Funny Rude Joke 21
Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
So they don’t whistle on the way down.

Funny Rude Joke 22
Why do horny women order at Subway?
Footlongs

Funny Rude Joke 23
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Funny Rude Joke 24
Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving

Funny Rude Joke 25
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls!

Funny Rude Joke 26
Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Funny Rude Joke 27
Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
So, when you pull their tits they won’t shit on the floor.

Funny Rude Joke 28
Why do women have arms?
Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Funny Rude Joke 29
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Funny Rude Joke 30
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.

Funny Rude Joke 31
Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
Place to hang their air freshener.

Funny Rude Joke 32
Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !

Funny Rude Joke 33
Why do women wear black underwear?
They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.

Funny Rude Joke 34
Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Funny Rude Joke 35
Why does a dog lick its penis?
Because it can’t make a fist.

Funny Rude Joke 36
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
They don’t stop for directions.

Funny Rude Joke 37
Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman?
Because you have to hollow the head out.

Funny Rude Joke 38
Why doesn’t Smokey the bear have any kids?
Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

Funny Rude Joke 39
Why don’t Canadians have group sex?
Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

Funny Rude Joke 40
Why don’t little girls fart?
Because they don’t get assholes until they’re married.

Funny Rude Joke 41
Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

Funny Rude Joke 42
Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
Better traction.

Funny Rude Joke 43
Why don’t women wear watches?
There’s a clock on the stove!

Funny Rude Joke 44
Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet?
It doesn’t need cleaning.

Funny Rude Joke 45
Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
Women who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Funny Rude Joke 46
Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Funny Rude Joke 47
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.

Funny Rude Joke 48
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Funny Rude Joke 49
Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Funny Rude Joke 50
Why was Tigger’s head in the toilet?
He was looking for pooh!

Funny Adult Joke 2
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.

Funny Adult Joke 3
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!

Funny Adult Joke 4
Define “Egghead:”
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Funny Adult Joke 5
Did ya hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
It works by changing your blood type!!

Funny Adult Joke 6
Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
He got the sack.

Funny Adult Joke 7
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

Funny Adult Joke 8
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer’s patients?
They hid their own eggs!

Funny Adult Joke 9
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Funny Adult Joke 10
Did you hear about the gay guy that’s on the patch?
He’s down to four butts a day.

Funny Adult Joke 11
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Funny Adult Joke 12
Did you hear about the kid napping?
Yeah, he woke up!

Funny Adult Joke 13
Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.

Funny Adult Joke 14
Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.

Funny Adult Joke 15
Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

Funny Adult Joke 16
Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
They’re going to call her Old Spice.

Funny Adult Joke 17
Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
Yeah…now he has no ears.

Funny Adult Joke 18
Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife…
A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Funny Adult Joke 19
Do you know how to eat a frog?
You put one leg over each ear.

Funny Adult Joke 20
Have you heard about the new ‘Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
They’re called ‘Predickamints’

Funny Adult Joke 21
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Funny Adult Joke 22
How are men like noodles?
They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Funny Adult Joke 23
How are women and linoleum floors alike?
You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

Funny Adult Joke 24
How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Funny Adult Joke 25
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table has no balls.

Funny Adult Joke 26
How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
The hero always gets his man in the end.

Funny Adult Joke 27
How can you tell if you have acne?
If the blind can read your face.

Funny Adult Joke 28
How can you tell she’s a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.

Funny Adult Joke 29
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
When his hand caught on fire.

Funny Adult Joke 30
How did the tugboat get AIDS?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.

Funny Adult Joke 31
How do lesbians handle their liquor?
By the ears. (Lick her)

Funny Adult Joke 32
How do you fuck a fat chick?
Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.

Funny Adult Joke 33
How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?
Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!”

Funny Adult Joke 34
How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?
When he can still step on Dolly Parton’s toes.

Funny Adult Joke 35
How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
All your tic tacks are gone.

Funny Adult Joke 36
How do you know when you are getting old?
When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Funny Adult Joke 37
How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

Funny Adult Joke 38
How do you make a snooker table laugh.
Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.

Funny Adult Joke 39
How do you turn a fox into an elephant
Marry it.

Funny Adult Joke 40
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Funny Adult Joke 41
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

Funny Adult Joke 42
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Funny Adult Joke 43
I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

Funny Adult Joke 44
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!

Funny Adult Joke 45
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

Funny Adult Joke 46
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged

Funny Adult Joke 47
What did one tit say to the other?
I hope we get support soon or people will think we’re nuts.

Funny Adult Joke 48
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
“How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

Funny Adult Joke 49
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How do you breath through something so small?”

Funny Adult Joke 50
What did the potato chip say to the battery?
If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.

Funny Adult Joke 51
What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Funny Adult Joke 52
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

Funny Adult Joke 53
What do an airport and a illegal abortion have in common?
The Hanger.

Funny Adult Joke 54
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

Funny Adult Joke 55
What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Funny Adult Joke 56
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid’s.

Funny Adult Joke 57
What do gay kids get for Christmas?
Erection Sets.

Funny Adult Joke 58
What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Funny Adult Joke 59
What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
No ball room

Funny Adult Joke 60
What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Funny Adult Joke 61
What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand!

Funny Adult Joke 62
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tutor.

Funny Adult Joke 63
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Funny Adult Joke 64
What do you call a truck full of dildos?
Toys for Twats

Funny Adult Joke 65
What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it?
The aids team.

Funny Adult Joke 66
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter

Funny Adult Joke 67
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

Funny Adult Joke 68
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A Mechanic.

Funny Adult Joke 69
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor

Funny Adult Joke 70
What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
Potpourri

Funny Adult Joke 71
What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
Speed bumps.

Funny Adult Joke 72
What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A love call.

Funny Adult Joke 73
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

Funny Adult Joke 74
What do you call three lesbians in bed together?
M�nage � twat.

Funny Adult Joke 75
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

Funny Adult Joke 76
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur traders.

Funny Adult Joke 77
What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Funny Adult Joke 78
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Yell at her.

Funny Adult Joke 79
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he is God’s gift?
Exchange him.

Funny Adult Joke 80
What do you find in a clean nose?
Fingerprints!

Funny Adult Joke 81
What do you get when you cross a brassiere with Texas?
Playtex.

Funny Adult Joke 82
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
Dicktator

Funny Adult Joke 83
What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Funny Adult Joke 84
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
An itchy cock.

Funny Adult Joke 85
What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.

Funny Adult Joke 86
What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Funny Adult Joke 87
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Funny Adult Joke 88
What do your parents’ car and testicles have in common?
Hit either one of them and you’re grounded.

Funny Adult Joke 89
What does 70 year old pussy taste like?
Depends!

Funny Adult Joke 90
What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

Funny Adult Joke 91
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They’re hiring.

Funny Adult Joke 92
What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
Push it aside and keep on eating…

Funny Adult Joke 93
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

Funny Adult Joke 94
What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

Funny Adult Joke 95
What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
Thanks for coming.

Funny Adult Joke 96
What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
You don’t look down.

Funny Adult Joke 97
What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.

Funny Adult Joke 98
What goes: “CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?”
A blind person with a rubix cube.

Funny Adult Joke 99
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!

Funny Adult Joke 100
What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes, it can’t be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

Funny Adult Joke 101
What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea

After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their Vegas vacation.

The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back from Vegas, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

The second guy says “I know what you mean… my old lady played black jack the whole vacation and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

The third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole vacation and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!”

“Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband.

“To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!”

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.

“What do you think you are doing?” she screamed.

“I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1,000 a year!”

Adult Joke 1
———–

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.

A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, “Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?”

The wife replies, “Cut it off and shove it up his arse!”

The undertaker does as he is told.

On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, “It fucking hurts doesn’t it!”

Please comment on this adult joke below or if you know a better adult joke please post it.

**********

Adult Joke 2
———–

A woman starts dating a doctor.

Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do you think it will work?” she asks.

“It’s worth a try.” he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”.

“What?” asks the priest, “what happened?”.

“You gave birth to a child!”.

“But that’s impossible!” says the priest.

“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor, “it’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.”

The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?”

The priest replies, “I am your mother, the archbishop is your father.”

Please comment on this adult joke below or if you know a better adult joke please post it.

**********

Adult Joke 3
———–

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.

When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.

The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.

With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog.

After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.”

“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”

Please comment on this adult joke below or if you know a better adult joke please post it.

''Gootness, iss hot,'' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, ''Vy nought?'' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.

“Bartender,” she said. “I vill have unt cold beer, please.''

The bartender asked, ''Anheuser Busch?''

''Vell, fine, tanks,” she said, “Just unt leetle svetty.''

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ”Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

He continued, ”Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ”I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ”You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

“Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios…”

So a man from Manila comes in and the Bartender looks at him and he ask for a beer and he ask the Bartender about the contest.

The Bartender tells him that whoever makes the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free beer on the house.

So this guy whisper something to the horse and the horse rolls over and laughing!!!

EEEEEEeeeeeeehhhh!!!

He takes the P5,000 from the Bartender, drinks a lot of beer.

As he is about to leave the Bartender ask him, “Will you be back tomorrow when we’ll have a new contest?” The guy replies” Of course this is easier money than my career.”

So the next night. The guy walks into the Bar with a large smile and reads the sign next to the Horse:

Whoever makes the Horse cry will win P10,000 and free beer from the house. The Bartender tells the guy,” Let me see you win this one.”

The guy approaches the Horse and shows him something. The Horse starts rolling on the ground and crying.

When the guy goes to claim his prize. The Bartender says. ” Before I pay you, You have to tell me what you did to the horse?”

The guy lights a cigarette and says,” Easy the first time, I told the Horse that my penis is larger than his, the second time I showed him “.

The next guy doesn’t want to be shown up so he takes a 100 dollar bill, licks it, and sticks it to the other side of her butt.

The third guy doesn’t want to be shown up but he doesn’t have any money. He thinks for a moment and suddenly he gets an idea. He walks over to the stripper, takes out his ATM card, slides it down the crack of her ass, takes his 150 dollars and goes home!