Animal Jokes

Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper.

The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it.

Now the barman figures the horse isn’t that bright, so he decides to pull the old ’short-change’ trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn’t say a word.

The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, “Y’know, we don’t get many horses in here.”

“How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?” asked the IRS auditor.

“Well,” the taxpayer answered, “while fishing last summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, ‘I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I’ll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen’. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa.”

“How can you prove such an unbelievable story?”

“Well, you can see the villa, can’t you?”

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

Teacher: “Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?”

Sam: “I don’t know.”

Teacher: “Bark, Sam, bark.”

Sam: “Bow, wow, wow!”

Your dog’s barking at the back door. Your spouse’s barking at the front. Who do you let in?

Well, it’s your call, but the dog’ll stop barking when you let him in.

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping that they will think the rabbit died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that our rabbit died?”

The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?”

How many emos does it take to microwave a mama’s burrito?

Answer: 4.

One to cry about it on LiveJournal.

One to make a Facebook about it.

One to take a picture of them taking a picture of themselves in a mirror and post it on LiveJournal and Facebook.

The other to make the mexican burrito.

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.

“Yech!” says the woman. “Get some toilet paper.”

“What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now.”

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I've just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, “That's because he's inside your stupid cat.”

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can't explain.

This morning I was outside milking a cow. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left foot to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right foot to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milking the cow again he knocked down the bucket with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Don’t touch the purple monkey up in room 222.” The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.

The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs…the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.

Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.