Animal Jokes

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can't explain.

This morning I was outside milking a cow. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left foot to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right foot to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milking the cow again he knocked down the bucket with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Don’t touch the purple monkey up in room 222.” The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.

The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs…the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.

Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.

Mommy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first. It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer’s BMW and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he’d pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he’d first had sex.

“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Clem recalled.

“That sounds wonderful,” said Jed.

“Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”

“Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”

“Baaaaa…”

Potato Joke 01
How do you describe an angry potato? Boiling Mad.

Potato Joke 02
What do you call a baby potato? A small fry!

Potato Joke 03
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.

Potato Joke 04
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful? It’s mashing!

Potato Joke 05
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead.

Potato Joke 06
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a commentator.

Potato Joke 07
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.

“Did you see that?”

“No,” the second guy says.

“Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,” the first guy says.

“Oh,” says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, “Did you see that?”

“See what?” the second guy asks.

“Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.”

“Oh.”

A few minutes later the first guy says: “Did you see that?”

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, “Yes, I did!”

And the first guy says: “Then why did you step in it?”

After teaching high school for nearly 20 years, I thought I’d heard every possible excuse for missing homework until one parent sent me this note:

“Please excuse Lori for not having her algebra homework. The cat had kittens on it last night.”

A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says, “You shouldn’t be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal.”

The pirate says, “Arr, it’s ok, he’s had his shots.”

Then the bartender says, “I was talking to the parrot!”

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.”

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.”

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”