Animal Jokes

SPEAKER: Who among you had experienced having sex with a ghost? (A farmer raised his hand).

SPEAKER: Really? How does it feel to have sex with a ghost?

FARMER: Ooops, i thought you said goats!!!

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases cars – and catches them!

Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A: You can step in a poodle!

Q: What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
A: A petticoat!

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A: A terrified postman!

Q: What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
A: His bark was much worse than it’s bite!

How do you catch a polar bear?

First dig an ice hole.

Then put a whole bunch of little green peas on the outside, and when the polar bear comes to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!”

“Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and reads: “Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

A man takes his dog to the vets.

Vet said “i will have to put youre dog down”.

Dog owner asks “why”?

Vet says “it is a heavy dog!”

Two goldfish were in their tank.

One turns to the other and says, ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive.’

What's dangerous and swings from trees?
A monkey with a chainsaw!

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny.

He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey. He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away.

Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”