A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, “See those, baby?? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She is aching for action at this point.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!”? She begins to drool.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to go?

“She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,” replies the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything.” The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No, what?” replies the guy.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper.

The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it.

Now the barman figures the horse isn’t that bright, so he decides to pull the old ’short-change’ trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn’t say a word.

The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, “Y’know, we don’t get many horses in here.”

To which the horse replies, “At nine dollars a beer, I’m not surprised!”

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering out a local bar, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officers arm is, “You’re Passionate.”

They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, “You’re Passionate.”

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, “Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven’t told us where you live!”

She replied, “I keep trying to tell you, you’re passin it!”

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.

“Owch!” the Chinese man says. “What was that for?”

“That was for Pearl Harbor,” the Jewish man says.

“But I’m Chinese!” “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?” And the Jewish man sits back down.

Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.

“Ouch!” the Jewish man says. “What was that for?”

“That was for the Titanic,” the Chinese man says.

“But that was an iceberg!”

“Ice berg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

“It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother.

Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says, “You shouldn’t be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal.”

The pirate says, “Arr, it’s ok, he’s had his shots.”

Then the bartender says, “I was talking to the parrot!”

A duck walks into a bar with a rabbi on his head.

“What''s the deal?” the bartender asks.

The duck says, “It''s opposite day.”

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender…

…, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Charlie “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really,” said Charles, “now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

“She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’”

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face. With both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him” she says “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”