Christmas Jokes

Snowman Joke 1
What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman? Have an ice day!

Snowman Joke 2
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a snowman? Frostbite.

Snowman Joke 3
Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib? A: A snowmobile!

Snowman Joke 4
What do Snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.

Snowman Joke 5
Where do Snowmen go to dance? To snowballs.

Snowman Joke 6
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I m a snowman. Doctor: Keep cool !

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Christmas Joke 1
What do monkeys sing at Christmas ? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !

Christmas Joke 2
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles !

Christmas Joke 3
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I ll never part with it !

Christmas Joke 4
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them !

Christmas Joke 5
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ? A pineapple !

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

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A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What denomination?” asks the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist.”

Popularity: 3%

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother this Christmas.”

The second said, “For Christmas I sent her a Mercedes.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat this Christmas. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible for Christmas this year. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

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No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.

Sing along with these new takes on old caroling favorites:

- Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

- Come, froggy faithful

- You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”

- Sleep in heavenly peas

- Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

- Olive, the other reindeer.

- In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

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Christmas was finally over and the Pastor’s wife dropped into an easy chair saying, “Boy! Am I ever tried.”

Her husband looked over at her and said, “I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?”

“Dear,” she replied, “I had to listen to all of them.”

Popularity: 3%

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A woman walks into a tattoo parlor a few weeks before Christmas.

She gets into the tattooists chair and tells the tattoo artist, “I want two Christmas tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other.”

The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, “Lady, I’ll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?”

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Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays to celebrate. Here’’s just a few of our favorites…

Seasonal Affective Disorder Day: January 2
With Christmas and New Years a thing of the past, now it’’s time to celebrate the long, cold, gray winter months that loom ahead.

The Day the Music Died Day: February 3
Write a sappy song about an important cultural tragedy that will annoy bar patrons for generations.

National Jingoism & Violence Day: February 4
Collect a group of two dozen or so well-trained men assigned to represent your city or region. Face off against another such group of well-trained men. Beat the living sh*t out of each other. (aka Superbowl Sunday)

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A few days after Christmas, my six year son and I were talking. He asked, “Mom, is there a Santa Claus?”

“Well, what do you think?” I asked him.

He replied, “Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper.”

He thought for a minute and said, “I’ll tell you what … you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let’s just forget we ever had this talk!”

Popularity: 3%

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defences were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defence.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

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Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot’s him.

Popularity: 3%

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