Thousands of really hilarious jokes
Frosty the cokehead was a crazed neurotic soul,
With a big glass pipe and a vial of crack,
And no sense of self control.
There must have been some poison in that last dime bag he got,
For when he took his first big hit he dropped dead on the spot.
Frosty the cokehead doesn’t worry anymore,
Cuz when all is said, and your cold and dead,
Then you never have to score.
Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of Christmas story.
T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those a**holes from IRS sent me a letter
Snowman Joke 1
What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman? Have an ice day!
Snowman Joke 2
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a snowman? Frostbite.
Snowman Joke 3
Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib? A: A snowmobile!
Snowman Joke 4
What do Snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.
Snowman Joke 5
Where do Snowmen go to dance? To snowballs.
Snowman Joke 6
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I m a snowman. Doctor: Keep cool !
Snowman Joke 7
What is a snowman’s favorite book ? War and Frozen Peas !
Christmas Joke 1
What do monkeys sing at Christmas ? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !
Christmas Joke 2
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles !
Christmas Joke 3
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I ll never part with it !
Christmas Joke 4
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them !
Christmas Joke 5
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ? A pineapple !
Christmas Joke 6
What do you give a train driver for Christmas ? Platform shoes !
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
“What denomination?” asks the clerk.
“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist.”
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother this Christmas.”
The second said, “For Christmas I sent her a Mercedes.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat this Christmas. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible for Christmas this year. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.
Sing along with these new takes on old caroling favorites:
- Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
- Come, froggy faithful
- You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”
- Sleep in heavenly peas
- Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
- Olive, the other reindeer.
- In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
- You’ll go down in listerine
- Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:
Funny Christmas Carol 1
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
Funny Christmas Carol 2
He’s makin’ a list, chicken and rice.
Funny Christmas Carol 3
Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
Funny Christmas Carol 4
Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.
Funny Christmas Carol 5
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Funny Christmas Carol 6
We three kings of porridge and tar
Funny Christmas Carol 7
With the jelly toast proclaim
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, “I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!”
