Funny Christmas Jokes

Funny Christmas Jokes

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies, Air defences were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds, As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads. Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube, Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube, And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense That nothing that flew could slip through our defence. When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter I [...]

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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

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Rudolph the red nosed wino, Had a very shiny nose, And if you got too close to him, He would take off his clothes. All of the other winos, Used to laugh and call him names, They never let poor Rudolph, Join in any wino games. Then one chilly Christmas Eve, Rudolph froze to death in an alley. End of Christmas story.

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Buy me a beer if you want the story told of why I moved down South from the frost and cold. Why I'm knee deep in therapy, liquor, and pills. Why I've given up charity in lieu of cheap thrills. Why I loathe mistletoe, fruitcake and bells –And why I'll celebrate Xmas when it freezes in hell. You'll never see this elf make angels in snow. Hey thanks for the booze ? so I guess [...]

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A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk. “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian.”

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Christmas Cracker Joke 1 A Man goes to see his Doctor and says: “Doctor I have a lettuce stuck in my bottom.” The Doctors takes a look and replies: “That’s only the tip of the iceberg.” Christmas Cracker Joke 2 A Man goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.” And he replied: “It’s OK, I’ll give you some cream for that.” Christmas Cracker Joke 3 An invisible [...]

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Christmas Joke 1 What do monkeys sing at Christmas ? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. ! Christmas Joke 2 Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles ! Christmas Joke 3 What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I ll never part with it ! Christmas Joke 4 Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both [...]

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Dec 25 My dearest darling Edward, What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving, Emily Dec. 26 Beloved Edward, The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I’m so touched and grateful! With undying love, as always, Emily Dec. 27 My darling Edward, You do [...]

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Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays to celebrate. Here”s just a few of our favorites… Seasonal Affective Disorder Day: January 2 With Christmas and New Years a thing of the past, now it”s time to celebrate the long, cold, gray winter months that loom ahead. The Day the Music Died Day: February 3 Write a sappy song about an important cultural tragedy that will annoy bar patrons for generations. National Jingoism & Violence [...]

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Frosty the cokehead was a crazed neurotic soul, With a big glass pipe and a vial of crack, And no sense of self control. There must have been some poison in that last dime bag he got, For when he took his first big hit he dropped dead on the spot. Frosty the cokehead doesn’t worry anymore, Cuz when all is said, and your cold and dead, Then you never have to score.

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