There must have been some poison in that last dime bag he got,
For when he took his first big hit he dropped dead on the spot.

Frosty the cokehead doesn’t worry anymore,
Cuz when all is said, and your cold and dead,
Then you never have to score.

All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.

Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.

End of Christmas story.

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those a**holes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days – they all are the pits
They want the impossible …Those mean little sh*ts

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

If you think that’s bad…just picture this
Try holding those brats…with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose – they grab at my beard
And if I don’t smile..the parents think I’m weird

Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year… now you know the reason
I found me a blonde… I’m going SOUTH for the season!!

Snowman Joke 2
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a snowman? Frostbite.

Snowman Joke 3
Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib? A: A snowmobile!

Snowman Joke 4
What do Snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.

Snowman Joke 5
Where do Snowmen go to dance? To snowballs.

Snowman Joke 6
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I m a snowman. Doctor: Keep cool !

Snowman Joke 7
What is a snowman’s favorite book ? War and Frozen Peas !

Snowman Joke 8
Why did a anowman send his father to Siberia? Because he wanted frozen pop !

Snowman Joke 9
What would you get if you crossed a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite !

Snowman Joke 10
How does a Snowman get to work? By icicle.

Snowman Joke 11
Where does a snowman put his birthday candles? On his birthday flake!

Snowman Joke 12
What do snowmen wear on their heads ? Ice caps !

Snowman Joke 13
What do snowmen eat for lunch ? Icebergers !

Snowman Joke 14
Where do snowmen go to dance ? Snowballs !

Snowman Joke 15
How do snowmen travel around ? By iceicle !

Snowman Joke 16
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ? You wake up wet !

Snowman Joke 17
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ? Frost bite !

Snowman Joke 18
What two letters of the alphabet do snowmen prefer ? I.C. !

Snowman Joke 19
Where do snowmen keep their money ? In a snowbank !

Snowman Joke 20
What did the snowman order at MacDonalds ? Icerbergers with chilli sauce !

Snowman Joke 21
What do snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.

Snowman Joke 22
What does a snowman eat for dinner? Ice-burgers.

Snowman Joke 23
What happened when the icicle landed on the sowmman’s head? It knocked him cold.

Snowman Joke 24
Q: Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman? A: A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head,

Snowman Joke 25
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Snowman Joke 26
Where do snowmen put their webpages? On the winternet.

Snowman Joke 27
How do snowmen read their e-mails? With an icy-stare!

Snowman Joke 28
What kind of money do snowmen use? Iced lolly.

Snowman Joke 29
Who doesn’t like to sit in front of the fire? A Snowman.

Snowman Joke 30
Why was the snowman’s dog called Frost? Because Frost bites.

Christmas Joke 2
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles !

Christmas Joke 3
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I ll never part with it !

Christmas Joke 4
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them !

Christmas Joke 5
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ? A pineapple !

Christmas Joke 6
What do you give a train driver for Christmas ? Platform shoes !

Christmas Joke 7
What happens to you at Christmas ? Yule be happy !

Christmas Joke 8
Can I have a broken drum for Christmas? The best thing you could have asked for. You can’t beat it!

Christmas Joke 9
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective ? Santa Clues !

Christmas Joke 10
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck !

Christmas Joke 11
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ? Santapplause !

Christmas Joke 12
Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ? Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe

Christmas Joke 13
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ? Because they both have “Sandy claws” !

Christmas Joke 14
What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ? Santa pause !

Christmas Joke 15
What’s fat and jolly and runs on eight wheels? Father Christmas on roller skates!

Christmas Joke 16
Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys? Because they soot him!

Christmas Joke 17
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ? No you can have turkey like everyone else !

Christmas Joke 18
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ? My pop is bigger than yours !

Christmas Joke 19
Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The turkey – he’s always stuffed !

Christmas Joke 20
What bird has wings but cannot fly ? Roast turkey !

Christmas Joke 21
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ? Your teeth !

Christmas Joke 22
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !

Christmas Joke 23
Did you hear about the stupid turkey? It was looking forward to Christmas!

Christmas Joke 24
How to cats greet each other at Christmas ? “A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year” !

Christmas Joke 25
Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn’t get wet! Why not? Because it wasn’t raining!

Christmas Joke 26
What do you get hanging from Father Christmas roof? Tired arms!

Christmas Joke 27
How do you make a slow reindeer fast ? Don’t feed it !

Christmas Joke 28
Why are Father Christmas reindeer like a cricket match? Because they re both stopped by the rein.

Christmas Joke 29
What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes? No-eyed-deer!

Christmas Joke 30
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ? It’s Christmas, Eve !

Christmas Joke 31
What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month ? The letter “D” !

Christmas Joke 32
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ? Santa Claustrophobia !

Christmas Joke 33
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail !

Christmas Joke 34
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ? Stacks !

Christmas Joke 35
Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ? It was a moth ball !

Christmas Joke 36
How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party ? Chick to chick !

Christmas Joke 37
Did you hear about Dracula’s Christmas party ? It was a scream !

Christmas Joke 38
What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ? Fancy a bite ?

Christmas Joke 39
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ? He had no body to go with !

Christmas Joke 40
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I m a Christmas bell! Just take these pills – and, if they don’t work, give me a ring!

Christmas Joke 41
Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can’t sleep. Try lying on the edge of your bed…you ll soon drop off!

Christmas Joke 42
Doctor, Doctor I m scared of Father Christmas Doctor: You re suffering from Claus-trophobia.

Christmas Joke 43
My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it! Doctor: Try this medicine…and if it doesn’t work come back and bring me a new video camera.

Christmas Joke 44
I wouldn’t say Christmas gnomes are small. But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!

Christmas Joke 45
I wouldn’t say Christmas gnomes are ugly, But if beauty’s skin deep then they were was born inside out!

Christmas Joke 46
I wouldn’t say that Christmas gnomes are cross-eyed, but when they cry the tears run down their back!

Christmas Joke 47
What do gnomes fear most about Christmas? They re afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!

Christmas Joke 48
Father Christmas: How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge? Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.

Christmas Joke 49
What song do Father Christmas gnomes sing to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night? Freeze a jolly good fellow!

Christmas Joke 50
What’s a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment ? A phantomime !

Christmas Joke 51
Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream? Lady: You certainly did! Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I m back in the right row!

Christmas Joke 52
Father Christmas: All right, my good lady, my face is my ticket. Box office attendant: Then you d better watch out… there’s a feller inside who has the job of punching the tickets.

Christmas Joke 53
Father Christmas: What’s your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one about the ghost that steals porridge! Father Christmas: You mean Ghoul-di-locks !

Christmas Joke 54
Father Christmas:I like the story about the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to Granny. Elf: That’s Little Red Robin Hood !

Christmas Joke 55
Father Christmas: What’s your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared of the Big Bad Wolf and they grow on trees! Father Christmas: You mean The Three Little Figs .

Christmas Joke 56
Elf: My favourite film is about the man who casts spells in the middle of a swamp. Father Christmas: That’s called The Wizard of Ooze !

Christmas Joke 57
Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank. Why did he do that? He was trying to save time!

Christmas Joke 58
What’s Scrooge’s favourite Christmas game? Mean-opoly.

Christmas Joke 59
What’s a hairdressers’s favourite Christmas song? Oh comb all ye faithful

Christmas Joke 60
A football supporter’s favourite Christmas song? Yule never walk alone

Christmas Joke 61
A rabbit’s favourite Christmas song? Lettuce with a gladsome mind

Christmas Joke 62
Who delievers cat’s Christmas presents ? Santa Paws !

Christmas Joke 63
Who delievers elephants’s Christmas presents? Elephanta Claus !

Christmas Joke 64
What game do reindeer play in their stalls? Stable-tennis!

Christmas Joke 65
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ? Because he didn’t want to be recognised !

Christmas Joke 66
What reindeer can jump higher than a house? They all can! Houses can’t jump!

Christmas Joke 67
Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can’t tell me why he does that! Oh, yes I can. the elf said. Because tow Eds are better than one, of course!

Christmas Joke 68
Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can’t tell me why he does that! Oh, yes I can. the elf said. Because tow Eds are better than one, of course!

Christmas Joke 69
Dear Father Christmas, this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door. Yours, Sherlock Holmes Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes? Lemon-entry my dear watson.

Christmas Joke 70
Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me some Crocodile shoes!. Father Christmas: Can’t do that one. He hasn’t said what size his crocodile takes!

Christmas Joke 71
What’s Christmas called in England ? Yule Britannia !

Christmas Joke 72
What’s Tarzan’s favourite Christmas song? Jungle bells.

Christmas Joke 73
How long does it take to burn a candle down ? About a wick !

Christmas Joke 74
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ? Santa Jaws !

Christmas Joke 75
One time Father Christmas lost his underpants. That’s how he got the name Saint Knickerless!

Christmas Joke 76
What does Father Christmas call his money ? Iced lolly ?

Christmas Joke 77
I remember when Father Christmas first passed his sleigh-driving test. He came skidding down in front of the toy factory. Have you passed? I asked. Father Christmas pointly proudly to the front of the sleigh. See for yourself! he called proudly. No-el plates!

Christmas Joke 78
A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past. They must have had sharp ears! They were mountain-ears!

Christmas Joke 79
Father Christmas: I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow! I m on my way, Father Christmas. Father Christmas: But you only have one welly on! That’s all right! There’s only one foot of snow!

Christmas Joke 80
I’ve had a slight accident with your sleigh, Father Christmas! Father Christmas: Oh no! That sleigh was in mint condition! That’s all right….now it’s a mint with a hole!

Christmas Joke 81
What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards ? Best vicious of the season

Christmas Joke 82
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ? A merry Christmas to ewe

Christmas Joke 83
Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I m turning into an orange! Have you tried playing squash?

Christmas Joke 84
Who made this Christmas pudding? Our chef. He’s a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it? Elf-raising flour, of course.

Christmas Joke 85
Last year’s Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean. That’s probably why the ocean’s full of currants!

Christmas Joke 86
What can Santa give away and still keep? A cold.

Christmas Joke 87
ELF: Santa, one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil! What should I do? SANTA: Use a pen.

Christmas Joke 88
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

Christmas Joke 89
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus.

Christmas Joke 90
Why does Santa’s sled get such good mileage? Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Christmas Joke 91
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.

Christmas Joke 92
JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? MIKE: We ll have a boo Christmas without you.

Christmas Joke 93
ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!

Christmas Joke 94
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!

Christmas Joke 95
Who sings “Love me tender”, and makes Christmas toys? Santa’s little Elvis.

Christmas Joke 96
Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? “Rude”olph

Christmas Joke 97
What is the cow’s holiday greeting? Mooooory Christmas!

Christmas Joke 98
What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!

Christmas Joke 99
How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.

Christmas Joke 100
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

Christmas Joke 101
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

Christmas Joke 102
What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? Forty feet of track – all straight!

Christmas Joke 103
What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already.

Christmas Joke 104
Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn’t buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl. You re getting your Christmas present a week early this year, her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. Is that what you want? The little girl said, It’s wonderful, mother…just what I wanted. There’s just one thing wrong!

Christmas Joke 105
It was Christmas eve, and Santa was really busy making his list and checking it twice, when there came a knock at the door. His wife comes in. “Honey, where do you want me to put your boots and gloves?” Well, Santa is very busy and so he’s slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her, “Put them by the front door, and stop bothering me. I m trying to get some work done.” He starts back to work, but a few minutes later an elf barges in. “Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should we do with them?” Santa snaps, “Stick em in the sleigh! Can’t you see I m trying to get ready? I don’t want any more interruptions!” But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there is another interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says, “Santa, I have your Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?” And this is where we get the tradition of placing an ange l on top of the Christmas tree.

Christmas Joke 106
Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie? “He said it was too tight.”

Christmas Joke 107
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

Christmas Joke 108
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.

Christmas Joke 109
What’s the most popular wine at Christmas? “I don’t like sprouts!”

Christmas Joke 110
Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations? Santa Clues.

Christmas Joke 111
Why is it so cold at Christmas? It’s in Decembrrrrr.

Christmas Joke 112
Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true….Comet cleans sinks!

Christmas Joke 113
Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer? Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.

Christmas Joke 114
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Christmas Joke 115
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window? “Looks like rein dear”

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,’Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

“What denomination?” asks the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist.”

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother this Christmas.”

The second said, “For Christmas I sent her a Mercedes.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat this Christmas. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible for Christmas this year. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“Dear Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built for me at Christmas is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!”

“Dear Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!”

Sing along with these new takes on old caroling favorites:

- Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

- Come, froggy faithful

- You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”

- Sleep in heavenly peas

- Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

- Olive, the other reindeer.

- In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

- You’ll go down in listerine

- Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

Funny Christmas Carol 1
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

Funny Christmas Carol 2
He’s makin’ a list, chicken and rice.

Funny Christmas Carol 3
Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

Funny Christmas Carol 4
Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.

Funny Christmas Carol 5
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Funny Christmas Carol 6
We three kings of porridge and tar

Funny Christmas Carol 7
With the jelly toast proclaim