Dirty Jokes

Funny Dirty Joke 1
What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo

Funny Dirty Joke 2
What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A Klondike Bar

Funny Dirty Joke 3
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.

Funny Dirty Joke 4
What is better than a cold Bud?
A warm bush.

Funny Dirty Joke 5
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

Funny Dirty Joke 6
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

Funny Dirty Joke 7
What is the cheapest meat?
Deer balls, there under a buck.

Dirty Joke 1
An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!” “I m sorry,” The girl tells him. “We can’t allow animals in the cinema.” The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it’s head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, “Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!” Agnes whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it…you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.” Madge says, “I KNOW…but this one’s eating my POPCORN!!”

Dirty jokes, not suitable for young children.

Dirty Joke 1
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Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”

And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, “My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!”

And the woman was thinking to herself, “My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!”

Please comment on this dirty joke below or if you know a better dirty joke please post it.

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he’d first had sex.

“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Clem recalled.

“That sounds wonderful,” said Jed.

“Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”

“Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”

“Baaaaa…”

Q: What's red, white and blue and makes the entire community happy?

A: Smurfette deep-throating a candy cane.

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor a few weeks before Christmas.

She gets into the tattooists chair and tells the tattoo artist, “I want two Christmas tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other.”

The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, “Lady, I’ll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?”

“Well, if you really want to know,” she firmly answers, “I’m sick and tired of my husband telling me that there’s never anything to eat between the Christmas holiday.”

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Green, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Rodney, what's your problem?”

Rodney answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms. Green had had enough. She took Rodney to the principal's office. While Rodney waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Green he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Green, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Rodney, what's your problem?”

Rodney answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms. Green had had enough. She took Rodney to the principal's office. While Rodney waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Green he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Maria said, “My family went to the Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word “fascinate.`”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to Magic Kingdom. I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Good, but I wanted the word fascinate.”

Mario raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Mario was noted for his bad language.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.

Mario said, “My sister has a new sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.”

A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play.

He tells her, “No. These are for boys.”

The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face.

The little boy angrily points to his boy’s bike and says, “Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!”

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, “Look, only boys have these and your mom can’t buy you one!”