Dirty Jokes

A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Martha said, “My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”

Sarita raised her hand. She said, “My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals.”

“That’s good, too,” said the teacher, “but I really wanted you to use the word fascinate.”

Little Billy raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn’t damage a world like “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Pedro, a Filipino (pinoy) is having his SNACK (bread and ube jam), when John, an American, chuckling chewing gum, sits down next to him.

Pedro ignores John who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

John: You Filipino folks eat the whole bread?

Pedro (in a bad mood): Of course.

John: (after blowing a huge bubble) We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into pandesal and export them to the Philippines.

John has a smirk on his face. The Pinoy listened in silence.

John persists: D’ya eat jelly with the bread?

Pedro: Of Course.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face. With both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

There was this international contest for the best life insurance policy. Bob Barker was the
emcee:

Contestant No. 1 (from an American firm):

“I will insure your child from birth to death.”

Bob Barker smiles and says, “Let’s hear it for good old American values.”

Audience claps.

Contestant No. 2 (from a German firm):

“I will insure your child from womb to
tomb.”

Bob Barker smiles again and says, “There you go.”

Contestant No. 3 (from an English firm):
“I will top them all. I will insure your child, Bob from conception to expiration.”

Bob Barker ahhs and the audience is prompted to ahh with him.

Contestant No. 4 (from a Japanese firm):

One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knew that he had an ''advanced'' vocabulary for his age, so she was trying to avoid calling on him.

When the teacher asked for a word beginning with “A”, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher knew he would say “ass” so she called on Mary Lou, who said ''apple”.

This continued through most of the alphabet, because his teacher knew that there was a cuss word that Johnny would say for every letter of the alphabet.

Then she got to ''R''. She thought for a moment, but couldn't think of any cuss words that began with R, so she called on Johnny.