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A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker tonight” said the friend.
“I’ll be right over” whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious dear?”
“Oh yes, quite serious” said the doctor gravely with his best poker face. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”
Doctor And Nurse Joke 1
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. “What took you so long to answer?” “I was in bed.” “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”
Doctor And Nurse Joke 2
Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois? The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make you use them.
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!”
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
A man went to see his doctor.
“You need to stop masturbating,” the doctor said.
The man asked, “Why?”
The doctor replied, “Because I'm trying to examine you!”
“Doctor, doctor, I see black spots!” Billy exclaimed.
The doctor puts some drops in Billy’s eyes. “How about now?” he asked can you still see the black spots.
“Now I see the black spots much better,” he replied.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Yo mama.
Yo mama who?
Yo blonde redneck mama who crossed the road to walk into a bar and screw in a lightbulb – you know your fat, dumb, drunk, crooked-politician lawyer mama, who pleasures 12 inch pianists.
A man and his wife entered a dentist’s office.
The wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave woman,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The wife turns to her husband and says: “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
A man goes to his doctor and says, ”Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I’ve got a problem.” The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.
”It’s all cleared up!” the man reports when he returns. ”But what was that medication you gave me?”
”Lipstick remover.”
Jane calls the doctor in a panic. “Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?”
The doctor asked Jane, “Are you sure it was a dozen?”
The frantic mother says, “Absolutely! Doctor, I’m scared to death!”
The doctor tells the mother, “Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?”
Jane says “No.”
“Is he sleeping?” asks the doctor.
“No.” says Jimmy’s mom.
The doctor goes on with routine questions, “Is his color funny?”
Again Jane says “No.”
“Did Jimmy throw up?” asks the methodical doctor.
“No.” says the worried mom. “But I’m so scared. All that aspirin…shouldn’t I do something?”
To which the doctor says, “Try giving him a headache.”
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