Food Jokes

Restaurant Joke 1
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I m a PANDA! Look it up!” The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

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Food Joke 1
Q. What did the salt say to the pepper? A. Hey Baby, What’s SHAKING!

Food Joke 2
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn’t happy about that: “When are you going to learn to be polite?” Bill: “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?” Tom: “The smaller piece, of course.” Bill: “What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?”

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Cannibal Joke 1
Why don’t cannibals eat comedians? They taste funny.

Cannibal Joke 2
Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle’s wife? He was an aunteater.

Cannibal Joke 3
Why was the cannibal expelled from school? Because he kept buttering up the teacher.

Cannibal Joke 4
When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days.

Cannibal Joke 5
What does a cannibal eat with cheese? Pickled organs.

Cannibal Joke 6
How can you help a starving cannibal? Give him a helping hand.

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Burger Joke 1
Are hamburgers male? Yes, because they re boygers, not girlgers!

Burger Joke 2
Can a hamburger marry a hot dog? Only if they have a very frank relationship!

Burger Joke 3
Can you name two burgers who are royalty? Sir Loin and Burger King!

Burger Joke 4
Do hamburgers make good vampires? No, because they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!

Burger Joke 5
Do they really serve burgers in Transylvania? Very rare-ly.

Burger Joke 6
How are UFO’s related to hamburgers? Both are Unidentified Frying Objects!

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Banana Joke 1
Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches.

Banana Joke 2
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.

Banana Joke 3
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

Banana Joke 4
Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant? Nick: I don’t know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can’t talk.

Banana Joke 5
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!

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Apple Joke 1
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. “You’ve got to help me! There’s a giant gray thing in my yard, and it’s pulling apples off the tree with its tail!” “What’s he doing with the apples?” the sergeant asked. “If I told you,” the woman cried, “you wouldn’t believe me!”

Apple Joke 2
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!

Apple Joke 3
Why didn’t the two worms go into Noah’s ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !

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Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Jed says, “OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.”

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, “Where did you get that, Jed?”

“Steve's wife gave it to me,” Jed replies.

“That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?”

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother this Christmas.”

The second said, “For Christmas I sent her a Mercedes.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat this Christmas. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible for Christmas this year. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

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1. Use as a doorstop

2. Use as a paperweight

3. Use to clean your pots and pans

4. Use as boat anchor

5. Use as bricks in fireplace

6. Build a house with them

7. Use it to hold up your Christmas tree

8. Use as a pencil holder

9. Give it to the cat for a scratching post

10. Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and squirrels

11. Hold up your car when changing tires

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