A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him. He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

“But you don't understand!” he cries, “You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!”

“Ah,” replies the tribesman, “Well now you are editor-in-chief!”

Waiter Waiter Joke 1
Waiter, waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!.

Waiter Waiter Joke 2
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.
“Oh I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Waiter Waiter Joke 3
Customer: I’ll have some lamb chops and make them lean.
Waiter: Forward or backward, sir?

Waiter Waiter Joke 4
I had lunch in a Chinese restaurant the other day, but the chicken was terrible. So I called the waiter over and I said, “This chicken is rubbery.”
And the waiter said, “Thank you berry much!”

Waiter Waiter Joke 5
Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some luke-warm greasy chips and a portion of watery cabbage.
We don’t do food like that, sir!
You did yesterday..

Waiter Waiter Joke 6
Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and a Dover sole.
Fillet?
Yes, to the brim.

Waiter Waiter Joke 7
Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
We haven’t any milk, sir. How about tea without cream?

Waiter Waiter Joke 8
Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
That’s right, sir. Two chips and a pea.

Waiter Waiter Joke 9
Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir – we serve anyone.

Waiter Waiter Joke 10
Waiter, does the pianist play requests?
Yes, sir.
Then ask him to play tiddlywinks till I’ve finished my meal.

Waiter Waiter Joke 11
Waiter, have you got asparagus?
We don’t serve sparrers and my name is not Gus!

Waiter Waiter Joke 12
Waiter, have you got frogs’ legs?
Certainly , sir.
Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!

Waiter Waiter Joke 13
Waiter, how long have you been here?
Six months, sir.Ah, then, it can’t be you who took my order.

Waiter Waiter Joke 14
Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you’re lucky.

Waiter Waiter Joke 15
Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner.
It’s in the sausages, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 16
Waiter, I can’t eat this!Why not sir?
You haven’t given me a knife and fork.

Waiter Waiter Joke 17
Waiter, I think I’d like a little game.
Draughts or tiddlywinks, sir?

Waiter Waiter Joke 18
Waiter, if this is place then I’m an idiot.
You’re right, sir – it *is* the place.

Waiter Waiter Joke 19
Waiter, I’ll have a chop; no – make that a steak.
I’m a waiter, sir; not a flopping magician!

Waiter Waiter Joke 20
Waiter, I’ll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just move the potato and there it was.

Waiter Waiter Joke 21
Waiter, I’ll have soup and fish.
I’d have the fish first if I were you, sir, it’s just on the turn.

Waiter Waiter Joke 22
Waiter, I’ll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it’s anything like last time I’d better have a hammer and chisel.

Waiter Waiter Joke 23
Waiter, I’ll pay my bill now.
This $10 note is bad, sir.
So was the meal.

Waiter Waiter Joke 24
Waiter, in future I’d like my soup without.
Without what, sir?
Without your thumb in it!

Waiter Waiter Joke 25
Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can’t you tell by the taste?
No, I can’t Then what does it matter?

Waiter Waiter Joke 26
Waiter, is this all you’ve got to eat?
No, sir, I’ll be having a nice shepherd’s pie when I get home.

Waiter Waiter Joke 27
Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.

Waiter Waiter Joke 28
Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 29
Waiter, my plate’s wet!
That’s not wet, sir – that’s the soup!

Waiter Waiter Joke 30
Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
I’m afraid you’ll have to wait, sir. He’s just popped out for his dinner.

Waiter Waiter Joke 31
Waiter, that dog’s just run off with my roast lamb!
Yes, it’s very popular, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 32
Waiter, there is a fly in my salad.
I’m sorry sir, I didn’t know that you are vegetarian.

Waiter Waiter Joke 33
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Sorry sir, maybe I’ve forgotten it when I removed the other three.

Waiter Waiter Joke 34
Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup.
Yes sir, that’s because we’ve run out of flies.

Waiter Waiter Joke 35
Waiter, there’s a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
That won’t do any good, sir – he’s frightened of them as well!

Waiter Waiter Joke 36
Waiter, there’s a bird in my soup.
That’s all right, sir. It’s bird’s nest soup.

Waiter Waiter Joke 37
Waiter, there’s a button in my soup.
Oh, thank-you, sir. I’ve been looking for that everywhere.

Waiter Waiter Joke 38
Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they’re not very good swimmers.

Waiter Waiter Joke 39
Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup!
Yes, sir, it’s the hot water that kills them.

Waiter Waiter Joke 40
Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup.
What do you expect for $1 – a live one?

Waiter Waiter Joke 41
Waiter, there’s a flea in my soup!
I’ll tell him to hop it.

Waiter Waiter Joke 42
Waiter, there’s a fly in my butter.
No there isn’t.
I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
And I tell you there isn’t; it isn’t a fly, it’s a moth and it isn’t butter, it’s margarine – so there!

Waiter Waiter Joke 43
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one…

Waiter Waiter Joke 44
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
Couldn’t be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

Waiter Waiter Joke 45
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
That’s all right, sir, he won’t drink much.

Waiter Waiter Joke 46
Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Waiter Waiter Joke 47
Waiter, there’s a hair my honey.
It must have dropped off the comb, sir!

Waiter Waiter Joke 48
Waiter, there’s a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we’ve got branches everywhere.

Waiter Waiter Joke 49
Waiter, there’s a worm on my plate.
That’s your sausage, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 50
Waiter, there’s no chicken in this chicken pie.
So what? You don’t get dog in a dog biscuit, do you?

Waiter Waiter Joke 51
Waiter, this bread’s got sand in it.
That’s to stop the butter slipping off, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 52
Waiter, this bun tastes of soap.
That’s right, sir – it’s a bathbun.

Waiter Waiter Joke 53
Waiter, this coffee is way too strong!
Don’t complain, sir. You may be old and weak yourself some day.

Waiter Waiter Joke 54
Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
I’m not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.

Waiter Waiter Joke 55
Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir. The coffee tastes like glue.

Waiter Waiter Joke 56
Waiter, this egg tastes rather strong.
Never mind, sir, the tea’s nice and weak.

Waiter Waiter Joke 57
Waiter, this lobster’s only got one claw.
I expect he’s been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!

Waiter Waiter Joke 58
Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don’t you laugh?

Waiter Waiter Joke 59
Waiter, Waiter, is this a fly in my soup?
Quite possibly, sir. The chef used to be a tailor.

Waiter Waiter Joke 60
Waiter, Waiter, is this a hair in my soup?
Why, of course sir. That’s rabbit stew!

Waiter Waiter Joke 61
Waiter, what do you call this?
Cottage pie, sir.
Well, I’ve just bitten on a piece of the door.

Waiter Waiter Joke 62
Waiter, what do you call this?
That’s been soup, sir.
I don’t care what it’s been, what is it now?

Waiter Waiter Joke 63
Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
I wouldn’t know, sir. I’m a waiter, not a fortune-teller.

Waiter Waiter Joke 64
Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?
Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 65
Waiter, what’s this in my soup?
I’m not sure, sir, I can’t tell one bug from another.

Waiter Waiter Joke 66
Waiter, where is my honey?
She left last week, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 67
Waiter, why have you given me my dinner in a feedbag?
The head waiter says you eat like a horse.

Waiter Waiter Joke 68
Waiter, your thumb’s in my soup!
That’s all right, sir, it’s not hot.

Waiter Waiter Joke 69
Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That’s all right, sir, it’s not shrinkable.

Waiter Waiter Joke 70
Waiter, you’re not fit to serve a pig!
I’m doing my best, sir.

Waiter Waiter Joke 71
Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?
1st customer: I’ll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?

Restaurant Joke 1
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I m a PANDA! Look it up!” The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Restaurant Joke 2
Three couples are dining together. The American husband says to his wife: “Pass me the honey, Honey”. The English husband says to his wife: “Pass me the sugar, Sugar”. The [you name it] husband says to his wife: “Pass me the steak, Dumb cow”.

Restaurant Joke 3
Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, “Please help yourself.” The other one said “Okay”, and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, “really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!” The other one replied, “What are you complaining for; you have it, don’t you?”

Restaurant Joke 4
What flavors of ice cream do you have? inquired the customer. “Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate,” answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper. Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, “Do you have laryngitis?” “No….” replied the new waitress with some effort, “just…erm…. vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate.”

Restaurant Joke 5
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

Restaurant Joke 6
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb? “Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I’ve just cashed up.”

Restaurant Joke 7
How many McDonald’s counter girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.

Restaurant Joke 8
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre d that there will be at least a twenty minute wait. “Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?”, he says. The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, “What ll it be?” The man replies, “Give me a Stoli with a twist.” The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, “Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . ”

Restaurant Joke 9
Why was the restaurant called “Out of this World”? Because it was full of Unidentified Frying Objects.

Restaurant Joke 10
Jane’s father decided to take all the family out to a restaurant for a meal. As he d spent quite a lot of money for the meal he said to the waiter, “Could I have a bag to take the leftovers home for the dog?” “Gosh!” exclaimed Jane, “Are we getting a dog?”

Restaurant Joke 11
Customer to friend: This is a wonderful restaurant. I ordered salad and I got the freshest salad in the world, I ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the world. Friend: I know – I ordered a small steak and got a calf.

Restaurant Joke 12
At our local restaurant you can eat dirt cheap – but who wants to eat dirt?

Restaurant Joke 13
Can I have some two-handed cheese, please? a man in a restaurant asked the waiter. “What do you mean, two-handed cheese ? asked the waiter. “You know, the kind you eat with one hand and hold your nose with the other.”

Restaurant Joke 14
Patron 1: I eat at a different restaurant every day. Patron 2: I don’t tip, either.

Restaurant Joke 15
Eulus stood in front of the take-out window of a Rawl-ins fast food restaurant. “I want two hamburgers,” he said. “One with onions, and one without.” The counter man: “Okay. Which one’s without the onions?”

Restaurant Joke 16
I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Restaurant Joke 17
Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger ? No, but in the restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken !

Restaurant Joke 18
Girl: How much is a soft drink ? Waitress: Fifty cents. Girl: How much is refill ? Waitress: The first is free. Girl: Well then, I ll have a refill.

Restaurant Joke 19
What does a Chinese restaurant serve for Easter? Coloured eggrolls!

Restaurant Joke 20
Hello? Fred’s Restaurant. Hello! I d like to know, do you serve crabs? We serve anyone, sir! Come on in!

Restaurant Joke 21
Once a man went to a resturant and ordered an egg. When it was brought he didn’t liked it so he informed the waiter that the egg was bad. Came the reply: “I don’t lay egg sir I just lay table !”

Restaurant Joke 22
At which fast food restaurant is a hamburger happiest? Arthur Treacher’s Fish and Chips!

Restaurant Joke 23
Waiter, what is this bug doing on my wives shoulder! I don’t know – friendly thing isn’t he !

Restaurant Joke 24
Two little boys were visiting their grandfather and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn’t make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, “Just bring them bread and water.” One of the little boys looked up and quavered, “Can I have ketchup on it?”

Restaurant Joke 25
A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he d enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, “You know, it’s been over five years since I first came in here.” “You ll have to wait your turn, sir,” replied the harried and now irritated waiter, “I can only serve one table at a time.”

Restaurant Joke 26
What’’s the matter with your dinner ? “Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I’ve eaten !”

Restaurant Joke 27
Is your food spicy Sir ? No, smoke always comes out of my ears !

Restaurant Joke 28
Young woman sat down in small restaurant, a waitress came over to take her order. “I ll have a hamburger please.” “Burger!” she yelled over her shoulder. Then woman added. “Make that well done.” Waitres turned away again. “Torture it!” she yelled.

Restaurant Joke 29
The headwaiter of an elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in boots, torn jeans and a leather jacket approached him. “Hey, man,” he said, “where’s the toilet?” “Go down the hall and turn left, “replied the headwaiter. “When you see the sign marked Gentlemen; pay no attention to it and go right on in.”

Restaurant Joke 30
There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant. Four fish got battered!

Restaurant Joke 31
Waiter, waiter, does the pianist play requests? Yes, sir. Then ask him to play tiddlywinks until I’ve finished my meal.

Restaurant Joke 32
Q:What did one plate say to the other plate? A:( Lunch is on me! )

Restaurant Joke 33
A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night’s special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. “The chicken sounds good; I ll have that,” the woman says. The waiter nods. “And the vegetable?” he asks. “Oh, he ll have the fish,” she replies.

Restaurant Joke 34
Sign at restaurant reads: Eat here diet home

Restaurant Joke 35
An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China where the specialty was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table. “This is the breast of the duck; this the leg of the duck; this is the wing of the duck; etc.” Then came the dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for the explanation. Silence. “Well?” he finally asked, “What’s this?” The waiter replied, “It’s a friend of duck.”

Food Joke 1
Q. What did the salt say to the pepper? A. Hey Baby, What’s SHAKING!

Food Joke 2
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn’t happy about that: “When are you going to learn to be polite?” Bill: “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?” Tom: “The smaller piece, of course.” Bill: “What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?”

Food Joke 3
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest. “Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Food Joke 4
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest. “Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Food Joke 5
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”

Food Joke 6
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

Food Joke 7
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called “The Fission Chips.”

Food Joke 8
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.

Food Joke 9
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

Food Joke 10
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

Food Joke 11
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

Food Joke 12
Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

Food Joke 13
Sign in restaurant window: “Eat now – Pay waiter.”

Food Joke 14
I thought you were trying to get into shape? I am. The shape I’ve selected is a triangle.

Food Joke 15
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?” “Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied. “I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

Food Joke 16
In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man’s mouth.

Food Joke 17
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? Johnny: It’s because I saw one on daddy’s lettuce, but now it’s gone.

Food Joke 18
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.” “Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

Food Joke 19
Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell “Evian” backwards!

Food Joke 20
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma am, they re dead.”

Food Joke 21
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.” The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”

Food Joke 22
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. “Here,” he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, “do you call that pig?” “Which end of the fork, sir?” the waitress asked sweetly.

Food Joke 23
A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. “Give me a corned beef sandwich,” he ordered. “Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special.” “What’s a Midnight Special?” “A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread.” “Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?” “Why, sure!” Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: “One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!”

Food Joke 24
What are the four food groups? For bachelors: Fast, Frozen, Junk and Spoiled. For drinkers: Malt, Hops, Barley and Yeast. For heavies: Caffeine, Fat, Sugar, Chocolate.

Food Joke 25
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: Is this pig? Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: Which end of the fork are you referring to?

Food Joke 26
May I take your order? the waiter asked. “Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?” “Nothing special sir,” he replied. “We just tell them straight out that they re going to die.”

Food Joke 27
Q. What’s worse than finding a worm in the apple you re eating? A. Finding half a worm.

Food Joke 28
What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook ? 100 way to wok your dog.

Food Joke 29
What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.

Food Joke 30
Why did the grape cross the road? To get away from the grapefruit.

Food Joke 31
What’s the difference between a homeless and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

Food Joke 32
What ghost is handy in the kitchen? A recipe spook.

Food Joke 33
I d say he was spineless. Yes, about as spineless as cooked spaghetti.

Food Joke 34
What sort of soup do skeletons like? One with plenty of body in it.

Food Joke 35
How do you make gold soup? Put 14 carrots in it.

Food Joke 36
Don’t eat the cookies so fast they ll keep. I know, but I want to eat as many as I can before I lose my appetite !

Food Joke 37
What are apricots? Where monkeys sleep.

Food Joke 38
What’s the best day to eat bacon? Fry-day.

Food Joke 39
What is small, furry and smells like bacon? A hamster.

Food Joke 40
What’s the difference between a biscuit and a monster? You can dip a biscuit in your tea, but a monster is too big to fit in the cup.

Food Joke 41
Why did the biscuit cry? Because its mother had been a wafer so long.

Food Joke 42
Have you got any broken biscuits? Yes, I have. Well, you shouldn’t be so clumsy!

Food Joke 43
What did the biscuit say when it saw two friends knocked down? Crumbs!

Food Joke 44
Why did your brother give up his job in the biscuit factory? Because he went crackers.

Food Joke 45
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I m a slice of bread. Doctor: You’ve got to stop loafing around.

Food Joke 46
Did you hear about the teacher who was trying to instil good table manners in her girls? She told them that a well brought girl never crumbles her bread or rolls in her soup.

Food Joke 47
They say she has a sharp tongue. Yes, she can slice bread with it.

Food Joke 48
Have you heard the story about the loaf of bread? No. Oh, crumbs.

Food Joke 49
Why can’t you make bread like my mother? I would if you could make dough like your father!

Food Joke 50
What looks just like half a loaf of bread? Its other half.

Food Joke 51
Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. “Why are we running so fast?” asked one. “Because,” said the second, “it says tear along the dotted line !”

Food Joke 52
Two flies were on a cornflakes packet. “Why are we running so fast?” asked one. “Because,” said the second, “it says tear along the dotted line !”

Food Joke 53
What do cannibals eat for breakfast? Buttered host.

Food Joke 54
How do you know that a elephant’s been in the fridge? There are foot prints in the butter. ”

Food Joke 55
And What’s your name?” the secretary asked the next new boy. “Butter.” “I hope your first name’s not Roland,” smirked the secretary. “No, ma am. It’s Brendan.”

Food Joke 56
Fred wrote in her homework book: Margarine is butter made from imitation cows.

Food Joke 57
Fred! What did I say I d do if I found you with your fingers in the butter again? That’s funny, Mom. I can’t remember either.

Food Joke 58
What do you call two rows of cabbages ? A dual cabbageway !

Food Joke 59
Mummy! Mummy! Have you seen my Cabbage Patch Doll? Be quiet and finish your coleslaw!

Food Joke 60
My Aunt Maud had so many candles on her last birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburnt !

Food Joke 61
What’s the fastest cake in the world? Meriiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngue.

Food Joke 62
Flo: Try some of my sponge cake. Joe: It’s a bit tough. Flo: That’s strange. I only bought the sponge from the chemist this morning.

Food Joke 63
Girl: Did you like that cake, Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Yes, very much. Girl: That’s funny. My mom said you didn’t have any taste.

Food Joke 64
What cake wanted to rule the world? Attila the Bun.

Food Joke 65
What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner? Thank you, I ll just have a slither.

Food Joke 66
What musical instrument goes with cheese? Picklelo.

Food Joke 67
Fred: I thought there was a choice for lunch today. . Cook: There is. Fred: No, there isn t. There’s only cheese pie. Cook: You can choose to eat it or leave it.

Food Joke 68
What cheese is made backwards? Edam.

Food Joke 69
Say something soft and sweet to me. Dracula: Marshmallows, chocolate fudge cake…

Food Joke 70
Mom: Fred, there were two chocolate cakes in the larder yesterday, and now there’s only one. Why? Fred: I don’t know. It must have been so dark I didn’t see the other one.

Food Joke 71
I went to see my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking. What did he say? He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate. Did that do any good? No – I can’t get the chocolate to light.

Food Joke 72
Boy: What’s black, slimy, with hairy legs and eyes on stalks? Mom: Eat the cookies and don’t worry about What’s in the tin.

Food Joke 73
An irate woman burst into the baker’s shop and said, “I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest you check your scales.” The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, “Ma am, I suggest you weigh your son.”

Food Joke 74
Jimmy, how many more times must I tell you to come away from that cookie tin? No more, mom. It’s empty.

Food Joke 75
What’s the difference between a vampire and a cookie? You can’t dip a vampire in your tea.

Food Joke 76
Three cookies were crossing the road when the first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he reached the pavement in safety? Crumbs!

Food Joke 77
How does a witch make scrambled eggs? She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.

Food Joke 78
At a party, a conjurer was producing egg after egg from a little boy’s ear. “There!” he said proudly. “I bet your Mum can’t produce eggs without hens, can she?” “Oh yes, she can,” said the boy. “She keeps ducks.”

Food Joke 79
What happens if you play tabletennis with a bad egg? First it goes ping, then it goes pong.

Food Joke 80
My brother’s on a seafood diet. Really? Yes, the more he sees food the more he eats.

Food Joke 81
A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in Ireland. “I ll have fish and chips twice,” he orders. “Sure, I heard you the first time,” came the reply.

Food Joke 82
What’s red and green and wears boxing gloves? A fruit punch.

Food Joke 83
Teacher: If you saw me standing by a witch, what fruit would it remind you of? Pupil: A pear.

Food Joke 84
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her lips like cherries – that’s my girl. Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.

Food Joke 85
Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun? Because she had her nose in a hamburger.

Food Joke 86
What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter of a pound of ground beef? A humburger.

Food Joke 87
When Lee ate raw onions for a week what did he become? Lone Lee.

Food Joke 88
Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine? They keep repeating themselves.

Food Joke 89
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom? “He’s a real fun guy [fungi].”

Food Joke 90
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.” “Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

Food Joke 91
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”

Food Joke 92
What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake? “Hey, What’s eating you?”

Food Joke 93
A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered two slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts. Would you like a cherry on the top ? asked the waitress. No, thanks, said the girl, I m on a diet !

Food Joke 94
Camper: There’s something wrong with my hot dog. Cook: Don’t tell me. I m not a veterinarian.

Food Joke 95
How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup? Read the label.

Food Joke 96
What food are you able to can? Cannibal (can able) food.

Food Joke 97
What food is good for the brain? Noodle soup.

Food Joke 98
Why are oranges like bells? You can peel (peal) both of them.

Food Joke 99
How can you make a soup rich? Add 14 carrots (carats) to it.

Food Joke 100
What could you do if you were on a desert island without food or water? Open your watch: drink from the spring, and eat the sand which is (sandwiches) there.

Food Joke 101
If there were no food left, what could people do? Country people could eat their forest preserves and city people could have their traffic jams.

Food Joke 102
What do you get if you cross an alien and a hot drink ? Gravi-tea !

Food Joke 103
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Bacon ! Bacon who ? Bacon a cake for your birthday !

Food Joke 104
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Bean ! Bean who ? Bean working very hard today !

Food Joke 105
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Beef ! Beef who ? Beef fair now !

Food Joke 106
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Butter ! Butter who ? Butter wrap up – it’s cold out here !

Food Joke 107
WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie. HUSBAND: Which is this?

Food Joke 108
WIFE: “You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?” HUSBAND: “No thanks. I m too tired. Let’s just eat at home.”

Food Joke 109
Q: What what can you make from baked beans and onions? A: Tear gas.

Food Joke 110
Several women were discussing what they should have for dinner. “If you re watching your weight,” came one suggestion, “those diet frozen dinners are good.” The man then added: “But get two. They re small.”

Food Joke 111
Do you feel like a glass of carrot juice? Why? Do I look like one?

Food Joke 112
Would you like a duck egg for supper? Only if you quack it for me.

Food Joke 113
What vegetable needs a plumber? A leek.

Food Joke 114
What’s a fresh vegetable? One that insults a farmer.

Food Joke 115
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the woods? One was “a-salted.”

Food Joke 116
Q: What did one strawberry say to the other? A:”Look at the jam you’ve gotten us into!”

Food Joke 117
Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta.

Food Joke 118
What do you call an egg from outer space? An unidentified flying omelet!

Food Joke 119
What’s a doll’s favorite food? Barbie-Q!

Food Joke 120
Q: What do you call cheese that’s not yours? A: Nacho cheese!

Food Joke 121
Q.Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A. He was feeling crummy!

Cannibal Joke 1
Why don’t cannibals eat comedians? They taste funny.

Cannibal Joke 2
Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle’s wife? He was an aunteater.

Cannibal Joke 3
Why was the cannibal expelled from school? Because he kept buttering up the teacher.

Cannibal Joke 4
When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days.

Cannibal Joke 5
What does a cannibal eat with cheese? Pickled organs.

Cannibal Joke 6
How can you help a starving cannibal? Give him a helping hand.

Cannibal Joke 7
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian? They had a feast of fun.

Cannibal Joke 8
What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.

Cannibal Joke 9
What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!

Cannibal Joke 10
What did the cannibal say when he was full? I couldn’t eat another mortal.

Cannibal Joke 11
Why was the cannibal fined by the judge? He was caught poaching.

Cannibal Joke 12
What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock? It repeated on him.

Cannibal Joke 13
How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf? He became a vegetarian.

Cannibal Joke 14
What is a cannibal’s favorite food? Baked Beings.

Cannibal Joke 15
Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with other people.

Cannibal Joke 16
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said, “So that I can feed my lads with m lasses.”

Cannibal Joke 17
Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people’s heads? Because they re headcases.

Cannibal Joke 18
What happened when a cannibal went on a self-catering holiday? He ate himself.

Cannibal Joke 19
First cannibal: I can’t find anything to eat! Second cannibal: But the jungle’s full of people. First cannibal: Yes, but they re all very unsavory.

Cannibal Joke 20
Did you hear about the cannibals who captured a scrawny old hunter? It sure gave them something to chew over.

Cannibal Joke 21
Did you hear about the cannibal family who were caught spying by the witch-doctor? They were given a right roasting.

Cannibal Joke 22
Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other “I don’t like your friend.” The other one said, “Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables.”

Cannibal Joke 23
The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace. “For whosoever we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly thankful.”

Cannibal Joke 24
Well, children, said the cannibal cooking teacher. “What did you make of the new English teacher?” “Burgers, ma am.”

Cannibal Joke 25
Two cannibals were having lunch. “Your wife makes a great soup,” said one to the other. “Yes!” agreed the first. “But I m going to miss her terribly.”

Cannibal Joke 26
First Cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you with last night? Second Cannibal: That was no girl, that was my supper.

Cannibal Joke 27
Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force? He said he wanted to grill his suspects.

Cannibal Joke 28
Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide? He got himself into a real stew.

Cannibal Joke 29
Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man’s turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, “To hell with your canoes!”

Cannibal Joke 30
A cannibal son and his father are out looking for food. They are watching people walk down the street. The son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father rejected saying that she’s too fatty. Later on the son asked about a very skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she’s to skinny. After a while the son pointed out a very attractive woman.” sure son” the father replied, drooling. “We ll take her home and eat you mother!”

Cannibal Joke 31
Q. What did the cannibal’s wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner? A. The cold shoulder.

Cannibal Joke 32
First cannibal: We had burglars last night. Second cannibal: Did they taste good?

Cannibal Joke 33
First cannibal: I don’t know what to make of my husband these days. Second cannibal: How about a curry?

Cannibal Joke 34
The cannibal king was having dinner when a servant came running in. “Your Majesty,” he said, “the slaves are revolting!” “You don’t have to tell me,” said the king. “I m trying to eat them. “Where did we get these slaves anyway?” “From the country next door,” replied the servant. “We must get a new butcher,” said the king. “Bring me Delia Smith.” “We can t, Your Majesty, she’s still cooking for you.” “Well, bring her to me once she’s crispy enough,” said the king.

Cannibal Joke 35
What does a cannibal call a skateboarder? Meals on wheels.

Cannibal Joke 36
What is the cannibals favorite game? Swallow my Leader.

Cannibal Joke 37
What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride.

Cannibal Joke 38
Did you hear about the cannibal who went vegetarian? He couldn’t stop eating swedes.

Cannibal Joke 39
Cannibal Boy: I’ve brought a friend home for dinner. Cannibal Mom: Put him in the fridge and we ll have him tomorrow.

Cannibal Joke 40
A cannibal chief was just about to stew his latest victim for dinner when the man protested, “You can’t eat me ? I m the manager!” “Well,” said the cannibal, “soon you ll be a manager in chief.”

Cannibal Joke 41
First cannibal: My wife’s a tough old bird. Second cannibal: You should have left her in the oven for another half an hour.

Cannibal Joke 42
A cannibal’s dillema: If God didn’t want us to eat people, why did he make them out of meat?

Cannibal Joke 43
A man is captured by cannibals, every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “Hey, you can kill me or you can eat me, but I m tired of getting stuck for drinks!”

Cannibal Joke 44
Cannibal: Mom, mom, I’ve been eating a missionary and I feel sick ! Mom: Well, you know what they say – you can’t keep a good man down !

Cannibal Joke 45
Was the principal’s brother really a missionary? He certainly was. He gave the people of the Cannibal Islands their first taste of Christianity !

Cannibal Joke 46
When a plane caught fire over the jungle the pilot ejected and landed in a cannibal’s pot. The cannibal turned to his friend and said, What’s this flier doing in my soup?

Cannibal Joke 47
1st Cannibal: I don’t know what to make of my boyfriend these days. 2nd Cannibal: How about a hotpot ?

Cannibal Joke 48
What did the cannibal’s parents say when she brought her boyfriend home ? Lovely, dear, he looks good enough to eat!

Cannibal Joke 49
First cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you with last night ? Second cannibal: That was no girl, that was my supper !

Cannibal Joke 50
Two cannibals were having lunch. Your girlfriend makes a great soup, said one to the other. Yes! agreed the first. But, U m going to miss her terribly.

Cannibal Joke 51
Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other, I don’t like your friend. The other one replied, Well put her to one side and just eat the greens.

Cannibal Joke 52
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn’t suit his taste!

Cannibal Joke 53
What did the cannibal have for lunch? Baked beings (beans).

Cannibal Joke 54
How can you help a starving cannibal? Give them a hand !

Cannibal Joke 55
What’s the definition of a cannibal? Some who goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter!

Cannibal Joke 56
What do cannibal say when they say grace? We thank you,Lord, for our daily dead!

Cannibal Joke 57
What did the cannibal say to the explorer? Nice to meat you !

Cannibal Joke 58
What do pygmy cannibals eat for breakfast? Weedie Bix!!

Cannibal Joke 59
What happened when the cannibal crossed the Atlantic on the QE2? He told the waiter to take the menu away and bring him the passenger list!

Cannibal Joke 60
Why don’t cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis? He gives them runs!

Cannibal Joke 61
Why won’t cannibals eat Frank Sinatra? Because he’s always coming back!

Cannibal Joke 62
What do sick cannibals have for breakfast? Vitamin bills!

Cannibal Joke 63
Why would the cannibal only eat babies? He was on a diet!

Cannibal Joke 64
What happened when the cannibal got a religion? He only ate Catholics on Fridays!

Cannibal Joke 65
Why didn’t the cannibal eat Mike Tyson? He thought he would give him a paunch!

Cannibal Joke 66
What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary’s ear? He had his first taste of Christianity!

Cannibal Joke 67
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said So that I can feed my lads with m lasses!

Cannibal Joke 68
Why was the cannibal looking peeky? Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!

Cannibal Joke 69
Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village ? Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!

Cannibal Joke 70
What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride!

Cannibal Joke 71
Why do cannibals make suitcases out of peoples heads? Because they re headcases !

Cannibal Joke 72
What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals ? He went down really well !

Cannibal Joke 73
First cannibal: Come and have dinner in our but tonight. Second cannibal: What are you having? First cannibal: Hard-boiled legs.

Cannibal Joke 74
First Cannibal: “Have you seen the dentist?” Second Cannibal: “Yes, he filled my teeth at dinner time.”

Cannibal Joke 75
Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a balanced meal.

Burger Joke 1
Are hamburgers male? Yes, because they re boygers, not girlgers!

Burger Joke 2
Can a hamburger marry a hot dog? Only if they have a very frank relationship!

Burger Joke 3
Can you name two burgers who are royalty? Sir Loin and Burger King!

Burger Joke 4
Do hamburgers make good vampires? No, because they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!

Burger Joke 5
Do they really serve burgers in Transylvania? Very rare-ly.

Burger Joke 6
How are UFO’s related to hamburgers? Both are Unidentified Frying Objects!

Burger Joke 7
How can you tell which Burger Land baseball pitchers are left-handed? They re the one’s wearing the left-handed meats !

Burger Joke 8
How did the jury find the hamburger? Grill-ty as charred!

Burger Joke 9
How do gossipy hamburgers spend their time? They chew the fat.

Burger Joke 10
How do the Rolling Stones like their burgers? Plain – Rolling Stones gather no moss-tard!

Burger Joke 11
How do they prevent crime in hamburger country? With burger alarms!

Burger Joke 12
How do we know burgers love young people? They re pro-teen!

Burger Joke 13
How do we know hamburgers have high IQ s? They loin fast!

Burger Joke 14
How do we know that hamburgers love classic music? They re often found at the Meatropolitan Opera House and Cownegie Hall!

Burger Joke 15
How do you insult a hamburger patty? Call it a meatball!

Burger Joke 16
How do you make a cheeseburger sad? Make it with blue cheese!

Burger Joke 17
How do you make a hamburger green? Find a yellow cheeseburger and mix it with a blue one!

Burger Joke 18
How do you make a hamburger smile? Pickle it gently!

Burger Joke 19
How does a burger acquire good taste? With a little seasoning!

Burger Joke 20
How does a pitcher walk a man in Burger Land baseball? He throws four meatballs!

Burger Joke 21
How far do burgers go in school? Through cowlege (then they get their 450 degrees!).

Burger Joke 22
How was the hamburger murdered? First it was rolled, then smothered in onions

Burger Joke 23
In what school subjects does the teacher say, Well done, hamburgers ? A wide range of subjects – meatyeval, history, meatematics and word grill.

Burger Joke 24
Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers? No, you should eat your fingers separately!

Burger Joke 25
Name two tennis stars who are famous in the hamburger world? Bjorn Borger and Billie Jean-o’s Burger King!

Burger Joke 26
Is there a way to make a hamburger do the Hula? Sure, order a burger and a shake!

Burger Joke 27
Seriously, when the crooked hamburger took it on the 1am, where did it go? Heidelburg-er, Germany!

Burger Joke 28
What are some outstanding hamburger colleges? Brandeis, Cowlifornia State, Hoofstra, Pen State, Ranchelaer Polytechnic, Burgereley and Moosouri!

Burger Joke 29
What can you say about Ham Burger and Chief Justice Warren Burger? Ham Burger is well done and Chief Justice Warren Burger has done well !

Burger Joke 30
What did the hamburger say when it found out that most people liked hamburgers better than frankfurters? Hot dog!

Burger Joke 31
What did the hamburger say when it pleaded not guilty ? I’ve been flamed!

Burger Joke 32
What did the hamburgers say to the butcher who acted on a TV show? Welcome back, Cutter!

Burger Joke 33
What did they call it when NHL officials refused to allow a hamburger to play hockey in the league? Rink injustice!

Burger Joke 34
What did they do to the burger who thought he was a rooster? Cook-a-doodle-do!

Burger Joke 35
What did they say about the burger who went skiing for the first time? How the meaty have fallen!

Burger Joke 36
What did they tell the burger who enlisted in the Army? You’ve got no beef, soldier!

Burger Joke 37
What do burgers think when they are surrounded by gherkins? They think they are in a pickle.

Burger Joke 38
What do hamburger workers say on Monday morning? Well, it’s back to the old grind!

Burger Joke 39
What do some burger eaters have? A Hardee appetite!

Burger Joke 40
What do some people have against cheeseburgers? They say, Burgers can’t be cheesy!

Burger Joke 41
What do they call a meeting among the most brilliant people in Burger Land? A MEATing of the minds!

Burger Joke 42
What do they say about the noise at the Burger Land Super Bowl? It’s PAN-demonium!

Burger Joke 43
What do you use to determine if a refrigerated burger is cold enough? A thermomeater!

Burger Joke 44
What famous movie did the hamburger meat think of when they took it out of the freezer? They Fry Who Cam in from the Cold!

Burger Joke 45
What great song is associated with hamburgers and baseball? Steak Me Out to the Ballgame !

Burger Joke 46
What happens when two burgers fall in love? They live together in holy meatrimony!

Burger Joke 47
What is a hamburger’s favourite story? Hansel and Gristle!

Burger Joke 48
What is the hamburgers most familiar song? Home on the Range !

Burger Joke 49
What is the hamburgers motto? If at first you don’t succeed, fry, fry again!

Burger Joke 50
What kind of a pitch did Sandy Koufax of the old Burger-lyn Dodgers have? A fastball – a sizzler.

Burger Joke 51
What kind of baseball do burgers play? Ketchup baseball!

Burger Joke 52
What kind of company is a 24 hours hamburger joint? Fry-by-night!

Burger Joke 53
What kind of girl does a hamburger like? Any girl named Patty!

Burger Joke 54
What old-time song is the burgers favourite? Hammy – as sung by Al Jolson!

Burger Joke 55
What song do burgers sing on the job? Gristle While You Work!

Burger Joke 56
What system do they teach in Hamburger High’s math courses? The meatric system, silly!

Burger Joke 57
When can you count on a hamburger in an emergency? When the chips are down!

Burger Joke 58
When do burgers quit their jobs? The day they decide to meat LOAF!

Burger Joke 59
When do hamburgers most enjoy watching TV? During PRIME time!

Burger Joke 60
When does a hamburger wear a look like a smile button? When somebody says, Well done !

Burger Joke 61
When the crooked hamburger took it on the lamb , where did it go? Oh, ewe know!

Burger Joke 62
Where can a burger get a great night’s sleep? On a bed of lettuce!

Burger Joke 63
Where do the burgers go on New Year’s Eve? To a meat ball!

Burger Joke 64
Where does a burger feel at home? On the range!

Burger Joke 65
Where does a burger go on vacation? The Swiss (cheese) Alps or The Cheeseapeake Valley!

Burger Joke 66
Which baseball team is currently the favourite with hamburger fans? The Cincinnati Reds -because they re the Big Bread Machine!

Burger Joke 67
Which burgers are dishonest? Cat-burgers! (burglars)

Burger Joke 68
Which burger is famous for a long nose? Cyrano de Burgerac!

Burger Joke 69
Which burgers can tell your fortune? Medium burgers!

Burger Joke 70
Which burgers love to act? Ham-burgers!

Burger Joke 71
Which cheeseburger makes a big hit in baseball? A double!

Burger Joke 72
Which is the meat patties least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!

Burger Joke 73
Which meatballs get a little tipsy on occasion? The POTTED ones!

Burger Joke 74
Which of our meaty friends are into astrology? Those that are born under the sign of the Ham!

Burger Joke 75
Which people do the burgers hate? The ones who are always putting the bite on them!

Burger Joke 76
Which political discussions between the Russians and Americans keenly interest Burger Land citizens? The SALT talks!

Burger Joke 77
Which type of comedy leaves a hamburger cold? BITING humour!

Burger Joke 78
Who are the hamburgers favourite people? Vegetarians!

Burger Joke 79
Who can beat any burger at golf? Any LINKS sausage!

Burger Joke 80
Who do hamburgers love on TV? Archie Bunker’s son-in-law, the meathead!

Burger Joke 81
Who is the hamburgers favourite actress? Candice Berger!

Burger Joke 82
Who was the burger’s favourite all-time movie director? Sizzle B. DeMille!

Burger Joke 83
Who wins most of the medals for bravery in Burger Land? The meatball heros!

Burger Joke 84
Why are hamburgers essential to football? Because the game is played on a griddle-iron!

Burger Joke 85
Why aren’t burgers too good at basketball? Too many turnovers!

Burger Joke 86
Why can any hamburger run the mile in under four minutes? Because it’s a FAST food!

Burger Joke 87
Why did the pro football player from the last-place team drop pieces of hamburger into his soup? He wanted to know how it felt to take part in a Soup-er Bowl!

Burger Joke 88
Why do burgers laugh when you surround them with pickles? Who knows – maybe they re picklish!

Burger Joke 89
Why do burgers run the gauntlet? To test their meattle!

Burger Joke 90
Why do hamburgers act brilliantly on stage? They give meaty performances – especially if they are in their prime!

Burger Joke 91
Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues? They get to meet their old flames!

Burger Joke 92
Why do hamburgers make good baseball players? They re great at the plate!

Burger Joke 93
Why do hamburgers make poor pigeons? They won’t talk no matter how you grill them!

Burger Joke 94
Why do the hamburgers beat the hot dogs at every sport they play? Because hot dogs are the wurst!

Burger Joke 95
Why is President Carter important to Hamburger Land in April? One the opening day of the baseball season, he throws out the first meatball!

Burger Joke 96
Why was the burger thrown out of the Army? He couldn’t pass mustard! (muster)

Burger Joke 97
Why were the burgers in the refrigerator embarrassed? They saw the salad dressing!

Banana Joke 1
Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches.

Banana Joke 2
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.

Banana Joke 3
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

Banana Joke 4
Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant? Nick: I don’t know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can’t talk.

Banana Joke 5
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!

Banana Joke 6
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can t, it’s either a monster or a giant banana.

Banana Joke 7
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.

Banana Joke 8
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.

Banana Joke 9
The last time I saw a face like yours I threw it a banana.

Banana Joke 10
They re not going to grow bananas any longer. Really? Why not? Because they re long enough already.

Banana Joke 11
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.

Banana Joke 12
What’s yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.

Banana Joke 13
Teacher: What is Ba + Na2? Pupil: Banana.

Banana Joke 14
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.

Banana Joke 15
What’s yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.

Banana Joke 16
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.

Banana Joke 17
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.

Banana Joke 18
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.

Banana Joke 19
Why don’t bananas snore? Because they don’t want to wake up the rest of the bunch.

Banana Joke 20
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it’s all right. I know What’s inside.

Banana Joke 21
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside ? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !

Banana Joke 22
What’s yellow and flashes? A banana with a loose connection.

Banana Joke 23
Mother Banana: Why didn’t you go to school today? Little Banana: Because I didn’t peel well.

Banana Joke 24
What would you call two banana skins ? A pair of slippers.

Banana Joke 25
What’s the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.

Banana Joke 26
What did the boy banana say to the girl banana? “You have a lot of appeal.”

Banana Joke 27
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.

Banana Joke 28
What is the difference between a banana and a bell? You can only peel (peal) the banana once.

Banana Joke 29
Why is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? Because if you don’t C sharp you ll B flat.

Banana Joke 30
What would you call two bananas? A pair of slippers.

Banana Joke 31
What is long and yellow and always points north? A magnetic banana.

Banana Joke 32
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers !

Banana Joke 33
What is a ghost favorite fruit ? Boonanaa !

Banana Joke 34
Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana ?

Banana Joke 35
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Banana ! Banana who ? Banana split so ice creamed !

Banana Joke 36
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can t, it’s either a monster or a giant banana.

Apple Joke 1
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. “You’ve got to help me! There’s a giant gray thing in my yard, and it’s pulling apples off the tree with its tail!” “What’s he doing with the apples?” the sergeant asked. “If I told you,” the woman cried, “you wouldn’t believe me!”

Apple Joke 2
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!

Apple Joke 3
Why didn’t the two worms go into Noah’s ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !

Apple Joke 4
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !

Apple Joke 5
First apple: You look down in the dumps. What’s eating you? Second apple: Worms, I think.

Apple Joke 6
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !

Apple Joke 7
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

Apple Joke 8
Two boys were eating a snack lunch in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said, “Watch out for worms won’t you!” The first one replied, “Why should I? They can watch out for themselves.”

Apple Joke 9
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.

Apple Joke 10
Fred came rushing in to his Dad. “Dad!” he puffed, “is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?” “That’s what they say,” said his Dad. “Well, give me an apple quick ? I’ve just broken the doctor’s window!”

Apple Joke 11
School lunches are not generally popular with those that have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason. “What kind of pie do you call this ?” asked one schoolboy indignantly. “What’s it taste of ?” asked the cook. “Glue!” “Then it’s apple pie, the plum pie tastes of soap.”

Apple Joke 12
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden

Apple Joke 13
How does an apple a day keep the doctor away? When you take careful aim.

Apple Joke 14
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.

Apple Joke 15
Once upon a time there were five apples Which was the cowboy? None – because they were all redskins.

Apple Joke 16
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can’t do? It can look round.

Apple Joke 17
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.

Apple Joke 18
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.

Apple Joke 19
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard’s on fire.

Apple Joke 20
Two girls were having their packed lunch in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said, Watch out for worms won’t you ! The first one replied, why should I ? They can watch out for themselves.

Apple Joke 21
A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through northern California’s apple country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner, “How much are yer apples?” “All you can pick for one dollar,” said the rancher. “Okay,” said the Pennsylvanian. “I ll take two dollars worth.”

Apple Joke 22
After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers. Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 apples and I asked for one, how many would you have left?” Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I d still have 4 apples.”

Apple Joke 23
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac

Apple Joke 24
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.

Apple Joke 25
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don’t eat.

Apple Joke 26
What kind of apple isn’t an apple? A pineapple.

Apple Joke 27
What did the apple say to the apple pie? “You’ve got some crust.”

Apple Joke 28
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).

Apple Joke 29
Why don’t apples smile when you go bobbing ? Because they re crab apples !

Apple Joke 30
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !

Apple Joke 31
Why did Eve want to move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !

Apple Joke 32
What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands? He brought it to school and said, An Ape-lle for the teacher!

Apple Joke 33
What’s the difference between a worm and an apple ? Have you ever tried worm pie ?!

Apple Joke 34
What reads and lives in an apple ? A bookworm !

Apple Joke 35
If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in the orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs? None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: “Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?”

Sartre replied, “Yes, I’d like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream”.

Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, “I’m sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream — how about with no milk?”

How many emos does it take to microwave a mama’s burrito?

Answer: 4.

One to cry about it on LiveJournal.

One to make a Facebook about it.

One to take a picture of them taking a picture of themselves in a mirror and post it on LiveJournal and Facebook.

The other to make the mexican burrito.