Food Jokes

My brother Sean stopped by a sandwich shop one afternoon and placed his order with the girl at the counter.

She rattled off a list of condiments, but he stopped her when she asked if he wanted white cheese or yellow.

“What’s the difference?” Sean asked.

“Hello?” replied the girl, sighing and rolling her eyes. “The COLOR is different!”

1. Use as a doorstop

2. Use as a paperweight

3. Use to clean your pots and pans

4. Use as boat anchor

5. Use as bricks in fireplace

6. Build a house with them

7. Use it to hold up your Christmas tree

8. Use as a pencil holder

9. Give it to the cat for a scratching post

10. Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and squirrels

11. Hold up your car when changing tires

12. Slice and use for poker chips

13. Use it to carve your turkey on

Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins).

Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.

The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins).

Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with raisins).

The sixth day you climb the tree, bringing with you a muffin (without raisins). Drop the muffin (without raisins) as usual.

When the white elephant finds out that the muffin (without raisins) lacks rasins, it will darken in anger.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO …… Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!”

“Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and reads: “Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Why were screams coming from the kitchen?

The cook was beating the eggs.

What’s worse than finding half a worm in your apple?

Getting hit by a truck.