Funny Law 1
Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Funny Law 2
Bell’s Theorem: As soon as the body is immersed fully in the bathtub, the telephone will ring.

Funny Law 3
Breda’s Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Funny Law 4
Cannon’s Karmic Law: If you use the excuse that you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will actually have a flat tire.

Funny Law 5
Conway’s Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Funny Law 6
Heller’s Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.

Funny Law 7
Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.

Funny Law 8
Kovac’s Conundrum: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Funny Law 9
Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.

Funny Law 10
Law of Drunkedness: You can’t fall off the floor.

Funny Law 11
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Funny Law 12
Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.

Funny Law 13
Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Funny Law 14
Main’s Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Funny Law 15
O’brien’s Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Funny Law 16
Osborne’s Law Variables: won’t; constants aren’t.

Funny Law 17
Owen’s Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Funny Law 18
Rubys Principle of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are in a situation where you do not want to be seen by anybody.

Funny Law 19
The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

Funny Law 20
The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Funny Law 21
The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Funny Law 22
The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Funny Law 23
The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

Funny Law 24
Weiler’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

Funny Law 25
Weinberg’s Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Funny Law 26
Willoughby’s Law: When you try to prove to the repairman that a machine doesn’t work, it will.

Funny Law 27
Wooly’s law: When you are working late, the boss will never be around. When you are surfing the net the boss will always drop by.

Funny Law 28
Zadra’s Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reachability of the area.

Some of these are hilarious, a must read.

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.

“BECAUSE”: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom’s other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.”

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.”

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

“EXCUSE ME”: One of Mom’s favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “putout” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM”

FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be like when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

“I SAID SO”: Reason enough, according to Mom.

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad’s stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An “exaggeration” Mom uses to transform her child’s papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See “Kids’ Friends”

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look “cheap.”

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

“MOMMMMMMM!”: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element of Mom’s favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it’s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear “the geeky thing.”

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids’ faces.

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has
yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”

TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all summer.

“THAT WAY”: How kids shouldn’t look at moms if they know what’s good for them. Also applies to how they talk.

TOWELS: See “FLOOR COVERINGS”

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

UTOPIA: See “BUBBLE BATH”

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be “Just like Daddy.”

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

“WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME”: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.

XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also “DRUMS”

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kid’s outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can’t bear to part with.

“YIPPEE!”: What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also “YAHOO!”

ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Funny Computer Joke 1
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

Funny Computer Joke 2
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981

Funny Computer Joke 3
11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbor’s Pentium.

Funny Computer Joke 4
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2 (especially with the old Pentium chip).

Funny Computer Joke 5
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

Funny Computer Joke 6
A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.

Funny Computer Joke 7
A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.

Funny Computer Joke 8
Access denied–nah nah na nah nah!

Funny Computer Joke 9
All computers wait at the same speed.

Funny Computer Joke 10
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Funny Computer Joke 11
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

Funny Computer Joke 12
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Funny Computer Joke 13
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit

Funny Computer Joke 14
Backups? We don’t need no stinking backups.

Funny Computer Joke 15
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! STAAAY…

Funny Computer Joke 16
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Funny Computer Joke 17
Buy a Pentium 686/300, so you can reboot faster.

Funny Computer Joke 18
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Funny Computer Joke 19
C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Funny Computer Joke 20
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

Funny Computer Joke 21
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

Funny Computer Joke 22
Computer (dfn): A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Funny Computer Joke 23
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Funny Computer Joke 24
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

Funny Computer Joke 25
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones.

Funny Computer Joke 26
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Funny Computer Joke 27
Disk Full – Press F1 to belch.

Funny Computer Joke 28
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

Funny Computer Joke 29
E Pluribus Modem

Funny Computer Joke 30
E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.

Funny Computer Joke 31
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Funny Computer Joke 32
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Funny Computer Joke 33
Excuse me for butting in, but I’m interrupt-driven.

Funny Computer Joke 34
Help! I’ve modemed and I can’t hang up!!

Funny Computer Joke 35
Hit any user to continue.

Funny Computer Joke 36
I hit the CTRL key but I’m still not in control!

Funny Computer Joke 37
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

Funny Computer Joke 38
My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.

Funny Computer Joke 39
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

Funny Computer Joke 40
Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Funny Computer Joke 41
Press to continue …Smash forehead on keyboard to continue… Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue… Just do something!!

Funny Computer Joke 42
Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Funny Computer Joke 43
RAM disk is *notan installation procedure.

Funny Computer Joke 44
Read my chips: No new upgrades!

Funny Computer Joke 45
Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.”

Funny Computer Joke 46
Relax, it’s only ONES and ZEROS!

Funny Computer Joke 47
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

Funny Computer Joke 48
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~”

Funny Computer Joke 49
The name is Baud… James Baud.

Funny Computer Joke 50
Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or file name!”

Funny Computer Joke 51
Will configure ones and zeros for food!

Funny Computer Joke 52
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Funny Computer Joke 53
Windows: Just another pain in the glass.

Funny Emo Joke 1
An emo kid, a Jew, a Mexican, and a black guy jump off a building, who wins? Society.

Funny Emo Joke 2
Did you hear about that new emo pizza? It cuts itself!

Funny Emo Joke 3
Drive an emo insane: Put ‘em in a round room and tell them to go cry in the corner.

Funny Emo Joke 4
Emo is to music as Terrorism is to society.

Funny Emo Joke 5
Emo’s aren’t food products.. So DONT friggin label em’

Funny Emo Joke 6
How can you tell it’s an emo guy hitting on you and not a regular dude? Instead of asking for your phone number, he asks for your poetry blog.

Funny Emo Joke 7
How do you exterminate all the emo’s? You don’t, Just wait till they cut wrong

Funny Emo Joke 8
How do you get an emo out of a tree? Cut the rope.

Funny Emo Joke 9
how many emo kids does it take to drive a car? two, one with bangs over his right eye… and another with his bangs over his left eye.

Funny Emo Joke 10
How many emo kids does it take to fix a lightbulb? One to fix it, and thousands to write a song about how the shattered pieces reflect their broken lives.

Funny Emo Joke 11
How many emo kids does it take to make a microwave burrito? Four. One to write about it on LiveJournal, One to post a MySpace bulletin, One to take a picture of himself in the mirror with the burrito, and One to microwave the burrito.

Funny Emo Joke 12
How many emo kids does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them.

Funny Emo Joke 13
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3. One to replace it and two to write a poem about how they miss the old one.

Funny Emo Joke 14
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They Like To Sit In The Dark Corner And Cry.

Funny Emo Joke 15
I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.. (works for hair too.)

Funny Emo Joke 16
If a dumb blonde and an emo jump off a bridge, who drowns first? The dumb blonde- from the emo’s tears on the way down.

Funny Emo Joke 17
Q:What do you do if there’s an emo in your backyard with his hand blown off? A:Stop laughing and reload!

Funny Emo Joke 18
So, an emo kid walks into a bar… Then he quickly leaves to go home and write in his Livejounal about it.

Funny Emo Joke 19
Tickle Me Elmo was so last year. Now it’s…Cry With Me Emo!

Funny Emo Joke 20
What did the emo kid say to the other emo kid? Stop crying. You’re stealing all of the negative attention.

Funny Emo Joke 21
What do emo kids use as birth control? Their personalities.

Funny Emo Joke 22
What do you call 1000 emo kids at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

Funny Emo Joke 23
What do you call an emo kid outside the mall? Anything he’ll cry no matter what you do.

Funny Emo Joke 24
What would you rather be: emo or handicapped? trick question: being emo is a handicap.

Funny Emo Joke 25
What’s the difference between emo grass and normal grass? Emo grass cuts itself.

Funny Emo Joke 26
What’s better than 50 emo kids nailed to a tree? One emo kid nailed to fifty trees.

Funny Emo Joke 27
Whats so tragic about 4 emo kids dying in a car crash? The car seated 5!

Funny Emo Joke 28
Whats the difference between an emo and and a tomato? Tomatoes don’t cut themselves.

Funny Emo Joke 29
What’s the difference between an Emo kid and a dead baby? The baby doesn’t cry.

Funny Emo Joke 30
What’s the difference between an emo kid and an onion? You cry when you cut an onion.

Funny Emo Joke 31
whats the emos favourite chocolate milk? hemoooo!

Funny Emo Joke 32
Who is the sponsor of the “National Team of Emos”? Gillette

Funny Emo Joke 33
Why did the emo kid cross the road? To get a box of tissues.

Funny Emo Joke 34
Why do emo kids always take the flight that leaves at midnight? They prefer to take the red-eye.

Funny Irish Joke 01
Finnegin: Me wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it.
Sean: What on earth is she doin’ at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home.

Funny Irish Joke 02
First Irish Farmer: “My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.”
Second Irish Farmer: “Did you shoot it in the hole?”
First Irish Farmer: ” No, in the head.”

Funny Irish Joke 03
Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals.
A porter came up with an idea. “Why don’t we leave the last coach off!”

Funny Irish Joke 04
Me Ma wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine?
Here I hafta give up all hope of a sex life, then once a week ya gotta let people come in and tell you all about theirs!

Funny Irish Joke 05
O’Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

Funny Irish Joke 06
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.
The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.”
“Oh my!” shouted Reilly.
“Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

Funny Irish Joke 07
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
“Quick!” He said.
“Send an ambulance, me wife is about to have a baby!”
“Is this her first baby?” the intern asked.
“No ya idjit, this is her husband, Kevin”!

Funny Irish Joke 08
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight among themselves, is because that way, they’re always assured of having a worthy opponent.

Funny Irish Joke 09
Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.
At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, “Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on.”
“Order, order,” said the Irish judge.
“You seem to forget that I am in the room.”

Racism Discussions

If you find these jokes not to your taste and would like to discuss racism, please go to this Racism Discussion Forum.

I’ve posted racist black jokes, racist white jokes and now Anti Racist Jokes.

Anti Racist Joke 01
“Now you see him, now you don’t, now you see him, now you don’t” A Racist on a Zebra crossing (didn’t say what colour the racist was)

Anti Racist Joke 02
2 racists walk into a bar. Ouch, Ouch

Anti Racist Joke 03
5 more racists walk into the same bar as the other 2. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch

Anti Racist Joke 04
A fat racist and a skinny racist jump off a cliff. Who wins? Society

Anti Racist Joke 05
An apartment of 3 floors lives 3 families, A White family, a Black family and a Racist family. At 2pm on a normal working day, a fire breaks out and burns the building to the ground, which family dies? The Racist family, Because with the others at 2pm the parents are out at work and the kids are at school.

Anti Racist Joke 06
Why don’t racists like blowjobs? They don’t like any jobs

Anti Racist Joke 07
Why is a racist like a dog? Both mark their territory with shit

Anti Racist Joke 08
Why is a racist like a Racing commentator? Both start shouting when a new race starts

Anti Racist Joke 09
Have you heard the one about the racist who choked on Yogurt? He found out there was a foreign culture in it

Anti Racist Joke 10
How do you confuse a racist? Write PTO on both sides of a piece of paper

Anti Racist Joke 11
How do you get a one-armed racist out of a tree? Wave

Anti Racist Joke 12
How do you get a racist to laugh on a Sunday? Tell them a joke on Friday

Anti Racist Joke 13
How does a racist pick his nose? From the mail-order catalogue.

Anti Racist Joke 14
How does a racist steal a bike? Picks it up and runs

Anti Racist Joke 15
How many Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? 100. 1 to change the bulb and 99 to deny it ever happened

Anti Racist Joke 16
How many racists does it take to change a light bulb? 100. 1 to change the bulb and 99 to deny that the last bulb ever burned out.

Anti Racist Joke 17
How many racists does it take to change a light bulb? None, racists hate being enlightened

Anti Racist Joke 18
My racist has got no nose. How does he smell? Terrible

Anti Racist Joke 19
What did the racist do with a packet of M&M’s? Put them in alphabetical order.

Anti Racist Joke 20
What did the racist put on his job application form under the section “Sign here”? Sagittarius

Anti Racist Joke 21
What do you call 10,000 racists under the sea? A good start

Anti Racist Joke 22
What do you call a racist abortion centre? Crime stoppers

Anti Racist Joke 23
What Do you call a racist wearing a suit? Jim Davidson

Anti Racist Joke 24
What do you call a Racist wearing a Suit? Jim Davidson in court on a drink Driving Charge AGAIN!!!

Anti Racist Joke 25
What do you call a racist wearing a suit? Officer

Anti Racist Joke 26
What do you call a racist wearing a suit? The accused

Anti Racist Joke 27
What do you call a racist with 2 brain cells? Pregnant

Anti Racist Joke 28
What do you call a racist with a high IQ score? A Cheat

Anti Racist Joke 29
What do you get if you cross a racist with an Italian? Someone who gives you an offer they don’t understand.

Anti Racist Joke 30
What does a racist and a drunk have in common? Whatever both say ends in a slur

Anti Racist Joke 31
What does a racist and a sperm cell have in common? Only one in a million work.

Anti Racist Joke 32
What does a racist and an apple have in common? They both look good hanging from a tree

Anti Racist Joke 33
What happened to the racists snow tyres? They melted

Anti Racist Joke 34
What should you do with a group of racists? Hate them all for existing and put them all on a boat and send them back where they came from.

Anti Racist Joke 35
What’s Red, White and peels? A Ku Klux Klan member trying to get a suntan

Anti Racist Joke 36
What’s the best way to circumcise a racist? Kick his Sister-in-law in the jaw

Anti Racist Joke 37
What’s the definition of confused? Tell a Nazi the Holocaust didn’t happen

Anti Racist Joke 38
What’s the difference between a racist and a bucket of sludge? The Bucket

Anti Racist Joke 39
What’s the difference between a racist and a Pizza? A Pizza can feed a family of four.

Anti Racist Joke 40
What’s the difference between a Schoolyard racist and Adolph Hitler? Opportunity

Anti Racist Joke 41
What’s the most confusing day for a racist? Fathers Day

Anti Racist Joke 42
What’s the difference between a ghost and a racist? One is a sheet-wearing spook who tries to scare people out of their homes, and the other one is a dead guy.

Anti Racist Joke 43
What’s the difference between a racist’s house and a porcupine? With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

Anti Racist Joke 44
What’s the difference between a redneck and a racist? A redneck will sleep with any of his cousins, but a racist only sleeps with them if they’re white.

Anti Racist Joke 45
Why did the Black fella, a Paddy Irishman and a Jewish kike cross the road? To beat up the racist on the other side.

Anti Racist Joke 46
Why didn’t the racist cross the road? He was afraid of the other side.

Anti Racist Joke 47
Why do racists compete on skin colour? If they competed on brains they would lose.

Anti Racist Joke 48
Why do racists smell so bad? So Blind people can hate them too

Anti Racist Joke 49
Why do racists stink of pee? Aftershave

Anti Racist Joke 50
A man walks into a Private Hospital for a Brain transplant.The doctor shows the patient 3 brains and 3 price tags next to each brain. The patient can choose which brain he wants.

A White mans brain £500
A Black mans brain £500
A Racists mans brain £2000

Patient asks why the Racist brain costs so much

Doctor replies “Cos. it’s never been used”

Anti Racist Joke 51
Englishman, Irishman and a Racist standing on a cliff. A genie appears and grants each one a wish, when they jump off the cliff their wish will be granted.

Englishman wishes for loads of money, jumps off and lands in a truck full of Money. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Irishman wishes for peace in Northern Ireland, jumps and lands in a field of roses with angels singing in the background. Everyone lives happily ever after.

The racist didn’t understand the question, jumped off anyway and died. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Anti Racist Joke 52
Englishman, Pakistani and a Racist on a plane. Pilot comes over the intercom, and asks each passenger to throw something out of the plane, as it is losing altitude.

Pakistani throws out a nuclear bomb, and says “We have way too many bombs in my country and we don’t want them”

The Racist throws out the Pakistani, and says “We have way too many pakis in my country and we don’t want them”

The Englishman throws out the Racist and says ” We have way too many racists in my country and we don’t want them”

Anti Racist Joke 53
Racists never tell people who they are almost like hiding behind a veil. A racist woman walks past a building site, Builders shout “Oi! Oi! Show us your face” (Bernard Manning 1981)

Racism Discussions

If you find these jokes not to your taste and would like to discuss racism, please go to this Racism Discussion Forum.

What NOT to do when gambling in a casino

Casino Joke 01
Don’t ask casino security where the pinball machines are?

Casino Joke 02
Don’t butt into a private high stakes poker tournament game saying “mind if I join in?”

Casino Joke 03
Don’t ask the blackjack dealer if he knows any good card tricks?

Casino Joke 04
Don’t ask the casino cashier for change for the toilets condom machine?

Casino Joke 05
Don’t ask the croupier if you can use your lucky dice?

Casino Joke 06
Don’t ask the dealer about the odds on strip poker?

Casino Joke 07
Don’t ask the guy next to you if he can break a five?

Casino Joke 08
Don’t ask the Roulette guy if the French wheel was imported from France?

Casino Joke 09
Don’t ask where the play blackjack for fun tables are?

Casino Joke 10
Don’t bring your silver dollar yo-yo near the slot machines!

Casino Joke 11
Don’t call for a ball measurement after losing a roulette spin!

Casino Joke 12
Don’t complain to the pitboss about the dealer’s poker face!

Casino Joke 13
Don’t count cards with your fingers and toes!

Casino Joke 14
Don’t flip chips capriciously onto the poker table from 5 feet away and say “let it ride baby”!

Casino Joke 15
Don’t pretend you’re an IRS agent and talk into your sleeve!

Casino Joke 16
Don’t pull out your Hoyle’s rule book when the blackjack dealer says you can’t split an 8th time!

Casino Joke 17
Don’t put your dinner plate on the roulette table!

Casino Joke 18
Don’t say Episcopalian when the cashier asks you which denomination you prefer?

Casino Joke 19
Don’t stuff your pockets with big magnets and then play roulette!

Casino Joke 20
Don’t tip the casino security guard!

Casino Joke 21
Don’t try to psyche out the blackjack dealer by staring at him for 5 minutes.!

Casino Joke 22
If you lose at Blackjack, don’t say to the dealer, “okay, okay, double or nothing?”

Casino Joke 23
Never wink at the blackjack dealer, especially if he’s the same sex!

Casino Joke 24
When the dealer decides to stand, don’t say “I’m calling’ ya’ yellow’ mister”!

Casino Joke 25
Don’t attempt to buy poker chips using monopoly money!

Money Joke 1
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?” To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

Money Joke 2
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

Money Joke 3
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”

Money Joke 4
What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person.

Money Joke 5
Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire? Sure. Here you are. Thanks – but half the pages are missing. What’s the matter? Isn’t half a million enough for you?

Money Joke 6
Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.

Money Joke 7
Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.

Money Joke 8
Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? She d read there was going to be some change in the weather.

Money Joke 9
Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. “You should give that money to charity,” said the sales girl. Fred thought for a moment and said, “No, I ll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity.”

Money Joke 10
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty.

Money Joke 11
How can a can you double your money? By folding it in half.

Money Joke 12
Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. “I m not paying,” said the duck. “I’ve only got one bill and I m not breaking it.” “I’ve spent my last buck,” said the deer. “Then the duck ll have to pay,” said the skunk. “Getting here cost me my last scent.”

Money Joke 13
Dad, would you like to save some money? I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won’t wear my shoes out so fast.

Money Joke 14
I hate paying my income tax. You should be a good citizen – why don’t you pay with a smile? I d like to but they insist on money

Money Joke 15
What happened when Dumbo went to a mindrreader? They gave him his money back.

Money Joke 16
The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.

Money Joke 17
Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That’s what I m afraid of!

Money Joke 18
Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well, here’s the elastic band.

Money Joke 19
A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live. Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order. “Oh yes, I’ve done that,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve only got to make a will. And do you know what I m going to do with all my money? I m going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life.”

Money Joke 20
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.

Money Joke 21
At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars. One of the chamber members stood up and said, “I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army.”

Money Joke 22
Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, “Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?” “Whada ya win?” “A million dollars!” said the redneck. “You get a dollar a year for a million years.” “How much are they each?” “Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!”

Money Joke 23
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

Money Joke 24
Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table! The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again. The third boy goes in ,sees the five dollars and cries out, I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!

Money Joke 25
An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they d do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. Alec ! yelled the teacher, you’ve done nothing. Why? Because if I had a million dollars, that’s exactly what I would do !

Money Joke 26
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. I’ve lost five cents, sobbed Johnny. Don’t worry, said his dad kindly. Here’s five more for you, At this Johnny howled louder than ever. Now what is it ?

Money Joke 27
William: May I have some money for the man crying outside ? Mum: What crying man ? William: The one that’s crying, Ice cream! Ice Cream !

Money Joke 28
Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. You should give that money to charity, said the shopkeeper. No, I ll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!

Money Joke 29
Ted said to his friend, can you lend me $10? But I only have $8, his friend replied. That’s OK, you can always owe me the other $2!

Money Joke 30
If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have ? Someone else’s coat.

Money Joke 31
A little monster was learning to play the violin, I m good, aren’t I? he asked his big brother. You should be on the radio, said his brother. You think I m that good? No, I think you

Money Joke 32
Why did your sister feed money to her cow ? Because she wanted to get rich milk.

Money Joke 33
My sister fell in love at second sight. When she first met him she didn’t know how rich he was.

Money Joke 34
Five dollars for one question! said the girl to the fortune-teller. That’s very expensive,isn’t it ? Next!

Money Joke 35
Visitor: You re very quiet, Jennifer. Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.

Money Joke 36
I can’t find my dollar bill, Jane sobbed. Don’t worry, her Counselor said. A dollar doesn’t go very far today.

Money Joke 37
One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. What are you doing? she asked. I m looking for my dollar bill, Max replied. I lost it down the road. Why don’t you look for it there?

Money Joke 38
Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, Is Washington’s picture still on the dollar bill? His Father wrote back, Of course it is. Why do you ask? Martin answered, Because it’s been so long since I’ve seen one!

Money Joke 39
Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you? Mary: I d pay whatever it charged.

Money Joke 40
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich ? Because the poor didn’t have any !

Money Joke 41
How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company? He was shocked.

Money Joke 42
If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first? The quarter, because it has less sense (cents).

Money Joke 43
If you want to get rich, why should you keep your mouth shut? Because silence is golden.

Money Joke 44
What did the man do when he got a big gas bill? He exploded.

Money Joke 45
Where can you always find money? In the dictionary.

Money Joke 46
How can you double your money? Look at it in a mirror.

Money Joke 47
What kind of money do monsters use? Weirdo (weird dough).

Money Joke 48
Why are diapers like $10 bills? Because you have to change them.

Money Joke 49
Why is the moon like a dollar? It has four quarters.

Money Joke 50
Why isn’t a dime worth as much today as it used to be? Because the dimes (times) have changed.

Money Joke 51
Why did the man throw away all the new pennies he had? Because they were a nuisance (new cents).

Money Joke 52
How can you get rich by eating? Eat fortune cookies.

Money Joke 53
When does a female deer need money? When she doesn’t have a buck.

Money Joke 54
Why is a cat like a penny? Because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other.

Money Joke 55
How can you make money fast? Glue it to the floor.

Money Joke 56
Where do Eskimos keep their money? In snowbanks.

Money Joke 57
Where do hogs keep their money? In piggy banks.

Money Joke 58
Where do trees keep their money? In branch banks.

Money Joke 59
Why did the hippie put his money in the refrigerator? He liked cold cash.

Money Joke 60
Why do wallets make so much noise? Because money talks.

Money Joke 61
How can you be sure you have counterfeit money? If it’s a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.

Money Joke 62
If you take half from a half dollar, what do you have? A dollar.

Money Joke 63
What lands as often on its tail as it does its head? A penny.

Money Joke 64
Which is better, an old ten dollar bill or a new one? An old ten dollar bill is better than a new one.

Money Joke 65
How did rich people get their money? They were calm and collected.

Money Joke 66
If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.

Money Joke 67
Who makes a million dollars a day? Someone who works in a mint.

Money Joke 68
Why was the skunk arrested for counterfeiting? Because he gave out bad scents (cents).

Money Joke 69
If George Washington were alive today, why couldn’t he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac? Because a dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Money Joke 70
What dog has money? A bloodhound, because he is always picking up scents (cents).

Money Joke 71
Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player? Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.

Money Joke 72
Why shouldn’t you carry two half dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.

Money Joke 73
What is the quickest way to double your money ? Fold it in half !

Money Joke 74
How do thunderstorms invest their money? -In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets

Money Joke 75
What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it? Money’s tight these days!

Money Joke 76
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. “Ohhh, it’s my girlfriend.” “What’s the problem?” “When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.”

Money Joke 77
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here.”

Money Joke 78
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you ? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money !

Money Joke 79
Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat ? To see if there was any more money in the kitty !

Money Joke 80
Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency? A: Question marks.

Money Joke 81
Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He’s so happy that he’s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

Money Joke 82
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly. “No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.”

Money Joke 83
Q:Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A:( He wanted cold hard cash! )

Movie And TV Joke 1
A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. “How d the meeting go?” asks the first guy. “It went great,” says his buddy. “Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million.” “Fabulous,” says the guy by the pool. “There’s just one catch,” his partner warns. “What’s the catch?” “We have to put up ten thousand in cash”.

Movie And TV Joke 2
How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he’s done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.

Movie And TV Joke 3
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say “I could’ve done that.”

Movie And TV Joke 4
Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

Movie And TV Joke 5
Q: How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It’s not a bulb, it’s a globe.

Movie And TV Joke 6
Q: How many Director’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one… but how do you get him in there with the cute, blonde?

Movie And TV Joke 7
Q: How many Director’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one more, guys, I promise.

Movie And TV Joke 8
Q: How many DP’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, if he’s got a good crew to do it.

Movie And TV Joke 9
Q: How many DP’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. No, two. No… How many do we have on the truck?

Movie And TV Joke 10
Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I’ve got this neat candle holder…

Movie And TV Joke 11
Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? A: If we change the light bulb, we ll have to change everything.

Movie And TV Joke 12
Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin he looked doing it.

Movie And TV Joke 13
Q: How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.

Movie And TV Joke 14
Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: “Nobody said I needed doubles on that!”

Movie And TV Joke 15
Q: How many PA’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Nine……..one to do it and eight others to wish they d been asked.

Movie And TV Joke 16
Q: How many PA does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What’s a light bulb?

Movie And TV Joke 17
Q: How many over eager PA’s does it take to screw in a li… A: Done!

Movie And TV Joke 18
Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Executive Producers don’t screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

Movie And TV Joke 19
Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.

Movie And TV Joke 20
Q: How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: We don’t know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.

Movie And TV Joke 21
Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Well, first let’s talk about the concept behind this whole “light bulb” thing.

Movie And TV Joke 22
Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.

Movie And TV Joke 23
Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: The bulbs IN and it’s staying IN!

Movie And TV Joke 24
Q: How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: WHAT?

Movie And TV Joke 25
Q: How many 1st AD’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Why are you asking me that question? Can’t you see I m busy!

Movie And TV Joke 26
Q: How many 2nd AD’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Uh…standby, I ll check on that.

Movie And TV Joke 27
Q: How many UPM’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None! If you d just make it a day exterior we wouldn’t be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!”

Movie And TV Joke 28
Q: How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One — but it’s an 8 hour minimum.

Movie And TV Joke 29
Q: How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: November.

Movie And TV Joke 30
Q: What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas? A: Nothing. But he promised he d make it up to them on the next one.

Movie And TV Joke 31
Q: How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie? A: She’s the one sleeping with the writer.

Movie And TV Joke 32
Q: How many screenwriters to make “Titanic” a good movie? A: One more than they had.

Movie And TV Joke 33
After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks “What happened?” “Well,” one of the officer’s says, “It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.” The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief… “My agent came to my house?”

Movie And TV Joke 34
After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks “What happened?” “Well,” one of the officer’s says, “It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.” The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief… “My agent came to my house?”

Movie And TV Joke 35
After a venerable career of endless, stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime and preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he unexpectedly dies and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate. “So sorry about your untimely death,” he tells the director. “But God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to direct a movie for Him.” The great man is humbled, “God wants ME to direct a film?” “Yes,” St. Peter tells him. “And we’ve arranged to have the best of everything made available to you. For example, the script is by William Shakespeare.” The director is stunned, “An original screenplay by William Shakespeare?” “Yes,” St. Peter assures him, “And it’s his greatest work ever.” “Wow!” says the Director, awe struck. “Your Production Designer will be Michaelangelo. We’ve got Leonardo Da Vinci d oing the sets, your musical score will be an original work by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and your cast includes a young Laurence Olivier and the greatest actors of all time in supporting roles.” The Director can’t believe it. “This is incredible,” he says. “This will be the greatest movie ever?” St. Peter kind of shuffles his feet. “Well,” he says, “we do have one tiny little problem.” “Problem?” says the director. “What kind of a problem?” St. Peter puts his arm around the director’s shoulder, “Ya see,” he whispers, “God’s got this girlfriend…”

Movie And TV Joke 36
The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they’ve gotten for the cast. “First of all,” he tells him, “We’ve got Gibson in the lead.” The director is surprised, “You got Mel Gibson?” “Well, no,” the Producer responds, “we got Marvin Gibson, he’s a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he’s very up and coming. And besides, we’ve also got Redford.” “You got Robert Redford?” the director asks. “No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he’s very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But,” he says enthusiastically, ” we’ve got Streisand and in a singing role.” “Barbara Streisand?” he asks. “No, Elizabeth Streisand.” The Producer responds. “But she’s got a great voice. AND we’ve got Goulet.” “You got Robert Goulet?” the director asks. “Yeah,” the producer replies glumly, “we got Robert Goulet.”

Movie And TV Joke 37
One agent stops by another agent’s table to tell him the big news: “Elvis just died!” The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. “Good career move.”

Movie And TV Joke 38
Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said “Hell, I m no actor, and I’ve got thirty movies to prove it!”

Movie And TV Joke 39
Why was the actor pleased to be on the gallows? Because at last he was in the noose.

Movie And TV Joke 40
Fred: I d love to be an actress. Harry: Break a leg then! Amy: Whatever for? Fred: Then you d be in a cast for weeks.

Movie And TV Joke 41
An actor went to see a new agent one day and said, `You must have a look at my act, it really is innovative. So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few times and landed smoothly on the agent’s desk. `So you do bird impressions, said the agent, `what else can you do?

Movie And TV Joke 42
What’s the definition of a good actor? Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.

Movie And TV Joke 43
Neighbour: Haven’t I seen you on TV? Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me? Neighbour: Off.

Movie And TV Joke 44
A bit-part actor finally got his first leading role in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off a high diving board in to a swimming pool. He climed to the top of the board, looked down and promptly climbed down again. `What’s the matter? asked the director. `I can’t jump from that board! said the actor. `Do you know there’s only one foot of water in that pool? Yes, said the director. `We don’t want you to drown, you know.

Movie And TV Joke 45
Why does an actor enjoy his work so much? Because it’s all play.

Movie And TV Joke 46
Why do actors like snooker halls? Because that’s where they get their best cues.

Movie And TV Joke 47
Fred: I met a really conceited actor the other day. Harry: Why do you say he’s conceited? Fred: Well, every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he went to the window and took a bow.

Movie And TV Joke 48
Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly? Director: Let’s just say she d look better on radio than on TV.

Movie And TV Joke 49
Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he’s done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.

Movie And TV Joke 50
Why can’t anyone stay angry long with an actress? Because she always makes up.

Movie And TV Joke 51
What kind of star wears sunglasses? A movie star.

Movie And TV Joke 52
What is an Actor? A man who tries to be everything but himself

Movie And TV Joke 53
What sort of animals make the best TV presenters ? Gnus – readers !

Movie And TV Joke 54
What do you call a fight between film actors ? Star wars !

Movie And TV Joke 55
What do you get if you cross a dog and a film studio ? Collie-wood !

Movie And TV Joke 56
Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet ? To boldly go where no man has been before !

Music Joke 1
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat minor.

Music Joke 2
Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won’t blow away? A: Root position cords.

Music Joke 3
Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? A: Shoot one.

Music Joke 4
Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, “Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?” A: The other replies, “That was no piccolo, that was my fife.”

Music Joke 5
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: It’s all in the grip.

Music Joke 6
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner’s neighbors don’t mind if you don’t return the sax when you borrow it.

Music Joke 7
Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would’ve done it.

Music Joke 8
Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.

Music Joke 9
Q: What’s the definition of a gentleman? A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn t!

Music Joke 10
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

Music Joke 11
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.

Music Joke 12
Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this? A: The frog’s probably on its way to a gig.

Music Joke 13
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, “I could do that better.

Music Joke 14
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? A: Their personality.

Music Joke 15
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? A: King Kong is more sensitive.

Music Joke 16
Q: What’s the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Music Joke 17
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A: The doorbell shrieks!

Music Joke 18
Q: What is the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm.

Music Joke 19
Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.

Music Joke 20
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba? A: With a “tuba glue.”

Music Joke 21
Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto? A: Music Minus One.

Music Joke 22
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

Music Joke 23
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure.

Music Joke 24
Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please. Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.

Music Joke 25
Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola? A: A violator.

Music Joke 26
Q: Why are violas so large? A: It is an optical illusion. It’s not that the violas are large, just that the viola player’s heads are so small.

Music Joke 27
Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories? A: Violists.

Music Joke 28
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola? A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Music Joke 29
Q: Why can’t you hear a viola on a digital recording? A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Music Joke 30
Q: What is the definition of a major seventh? A: A violist playing octaves.

Music Joke 31
Q: How is lightning like a violist’s fingers? A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

Music Joke 32
Q: Which positions does a violist use? A: First, third, and emergency.

Music Joke 33
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long? A: So the violists don’t need to be retrained.

Music Joke 34
Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first? A: Who cares!

Music Joke 35
Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? A: Write a whole note with “solo” above it.

Music Joke 36
A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together. “Help!” cried the cellist, “I can’t swim!” “Don’t worry,” said the violist, “just fake it.”

Music Joke 37
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, “While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down.” The violist replied, “You re kidding! The conductor came to my house?”

Music Joke 38
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A: The bow is moving.

Music Joke 39
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Sit in the back and don’t play.

Music Joke 40
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

Music Joke 41
Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola? A: A viola burns longer.

Music Joke 42
Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin? A: It is usually still in the case.

Music Joke 43
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Music Joke 44
Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Music Joke 45
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Music Joke 46
Q: Why don’t violists play hide and seek? A: Because no one will look for them.

Music Joke 47
Q: Why shouldn’t violists take up mountaineering? A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they re missing.

Music Joke 48
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. “There’s not much room on this page,” he said. “What shall I write?” Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, “Write your repertoire.”

Music Joke 49
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, “I can’t believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?” Max replies, “Well, it’s great, but I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that there’s a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we re playing “Sheherezade,” your favorite piece, tomorrow night!” Abe says, “So What’s the bad news?” Max replies, “Well, you re booked to play the solo!”

Music Joke 50
Haven”t I seen your face before? a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. “You have, Your Honor,” the man answered hopefully. “I gave your son violin lessons last winter.” “Ah, yes,” recalled the judge. “Twenty years!”

Music Joke 51
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? A: He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.

Music Joke 52
Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? A: The baritone.

Music Joke 53
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? A: About 10 pounds.

Music Joke 54
Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid? A: When the other tenors notice.

Music Joke 55
Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again. Person 2: Yes, but it’s much more terrible if he doesn’t realize it.

Music Joke 56
Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

Music Joke 57
Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons? A: I don’t want the neighbours to think I m employing corporal punishment, dear.

Music Joke 58
When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal. Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, “Well, this kid really knows his stuff!” The other replied, “I don’t think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?”

Music Joke 59
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

Music Joke 60
Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks? A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

Music Joke 61
Q: Why are conductors hearts popular for transplants? A: They’ve had little use.

Music Joke 62
A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead. The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist. She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, “I just like to hear you say it.”

Music Joke 63
Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song.

Music Joke 64
Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards? A: You get your job and your wife back.

Music Joke 65
Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

Music Joke 66
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again.

Music Joke 67
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.

Music Joke 68
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

Music Joke 69
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

Music Joke 70
Q: Why don’t they know where Mozart is buried? A: Because he’s Haydn!

Music Joke 71
Q: What’s musical and handy in a supermarket? A: A Chopin Liszt.

Music Joke 72
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A: A pair of Re-bachs.

Music Joke 73
Q: What do you call a male quartet? A: Three men and a tenor.

Music Joke 74
Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, “Where are we?” Rachmaninov said, “Carnegie Hall, sir!”

Music Joke 75
A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper. She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is. The local person replies, “Oh, that is Beethoven. He’s decomposing.”

Music Joke 76
Q: What is the definition of an optimist? A: An accordion player with a pager.

Music Joke 77
Q: What’s the range of an accordion? A: Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!

Music Joke 78
Q: What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion? A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

Music Joke 79
Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch? A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

Music Joke 80
Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument? A: Hide it in an accordion case.

Music Joke 81
Q: What’s an accordion good for? A: Learning how to fold a map.

Music Joke 82
Q: What’s the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion? A: A chainsaw can be tuned.

Music Joke 83
Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses? A: So they don’t disgrace themselves in parades.

Music Joke 84
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.

Music Joke 85
Q: What’s the only thing worse than a bagpiper? A: Good question. We re still trying to find out too.

Music Joke 86
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Music Joke 87
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.

Music Joke 88
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Music Joke 89
Q. What’s the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner’s neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don’t return it.

Music Joke 90
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Music Joke 91
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards? A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Music Joke 92
Q. What’s the definition of a quarter tone? A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Music Joke 93
Q. What’s the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Music Joke 94
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test? A. Drool.

Music Joke 95
Q: What’s the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says “hey you, get off of my cloud!”, while a Scotsman says “Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!”

Music Joke 96
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor? A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Music Joke 97
Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos? A: They make great anchors!

Music Joke 98
Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? A: They make good paddles.

Music Joke 99
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.

Music Joke 100
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw? A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

Music Joke 101
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun? A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

Music Joke 102
Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off? A: Saves time.

Music Joke 103
Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player’s best friend? A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

Music Joke 104
Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? A: By their names.

Music Joke 105
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

Music Joke 106
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell the bass player which one.

Music Joke 107
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one – but the guitarist has to show him first.

Music Joke 108
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Music Joke 109
Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

Music Joke 110
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

Music Joke 111
Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but they ll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.

Music Joke 112
Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

Music Joke 113
Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? A: Write pp, espressivo .

Music Joke 114
Q: What’s the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.

Music Joke 115
Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? A: You can almost hear them.

Music Joke 116
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? A: You can t!

Music Joke 117
Q: What’s the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.

Music Joke 118
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player? A: That’s the banjo player’s porsche.

Music Joke 119
Q: What’s the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? A: “I didn’t wake up this morning…”

Music Joke 120
Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ? A: They never know when to come in.

Music Joke 121
Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door? A: The knocking always speeds up.

Music Joke 122
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They have a machine that does that now.

Music Joke 123
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Bach ! Bach who ? Bach to work!

Music Joke 124
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Bass ! Bass who ? Bass the salt and pepper please !

Music Joke 125
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Bassoon ! Bassoon who ? Bassoon things will be better !

Music Joke 126
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Beethoven ! Beethoven who ? Beethoven is too hot !

Music Joke 127
What do you call a mammoth who conducts an orchestra? Tuskanini.

Music Joke 128
When is the water in the shower room musical? When it’s piping hot.

Music Joke 129
Why did the music student have a piano in the bathroom? Because he was practicing Handel’s Water Music.

Music Joke 130
What is musical and handy in the supermarket. A Chopin Lizst.

Music Joke 131
Why did they arrest the musician? He got into treble.

Music Joke 132
Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson? Because he d already done the sharps and flats.

Music Joke 133
What’s musical and holds gallons and gallons of beer? A barrel organ.

Music Joke 134
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

Music Joke 135
Do you think, Professor, that my wife should take up the piano as a career? No, I think she should put down the lid as a favor.

Music Joke 136
Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? A: You get light music.

Music Joke 137
Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus? A: He wanted to sing higher!

Music Joke 138
One day the bass player hid one of the drummer’s sticks. The drummer said, “finally! After being a drummer for so long, now I am a conductor!”

Music Joke 139
A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, “May I please see your permit?” I don’t have one,” confessed the musician. “In that case, you ll have to accompany me.” “Splendid!” exclaimed the musician. “What shall we sing?”

Music Joke 140
1st man: “My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o clock this morning!” 2nd man: “Did they wake you?” 1st man: “Nah….I was up playing my bagpipes.”

Music Joke 141
Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: “Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet”

Music Joke 142
Hey buddy. How late does the band play? About half a beat behind the drummer.

Music Joke 143
A saxophone is like a lawsuit. Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Music Joke 144
An eight-year-old kid says’t his dad, “When I grow up, I want to be a musician.” The dad says, “I am sorry — can’t have it both ways.”

Music Joke 145
How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs

Music Joke 146
Q.How is a heart like a musician? A.They both have a beat