Funny Jokes

Chat Up Line Joke 01
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

Chat Up Line Joke 02
I see your face when I am dreaming,
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

Chat Up Line Joke 03
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.

Chat Up Line Joke 04
Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.

Chat Up Line Joke 05
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.

Chat Up Line Joke 06
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “Go To Hell.”

HE: I’m a photographer I’ve been looking for a face like yours!

SHE: I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?

SHE: No, I’d like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry! I’m having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out!

SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man?
You can enjoy all but the head.

What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds.

Why can’t a man be both handsome and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.

Why is a man’s brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.

Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask for directions.

Why are men like the letter Q?
Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion.

You Work in Corporate America If Art involves a white board.

You Work in Corporate America If Communication is something your group is having problems with.

You Work in Corporate America If Free food left over from meetings is your main staple of your diet.

You Work in Corporate America If Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

You Work in Corporate America If It’s dark when you drive to and from work.

You Work in Corporate America If Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.

You Work in Corporate America If Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: “Broken.”

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car’s owner rushed out of a nearby building.

“What are you doing?” he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, “There’s plenty of time left!”

Funny Joke 01
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.

Funny Joke 02
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions

Funny Joke 03
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

Funny Joke 04
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, “Order, order.”

Dear Tech Support Team,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities. Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3 , PlayBall 5.0 , BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the ‘uninstall’ doesn’t work on Wife 1.0 .

Please help!

Thanks,

“A Troubled User”

Elevator Joke 1.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”

Elevator Joke 2.
Whistle the first seven notes of “It's a Small World” incessantly.

Elevator Joke 3.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

Elevator Joke 4.
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

Elevator Joke 5.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Elevator Joke 6.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Funny Court Quote:
Q: How old is your son – the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Funny Court Quote:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo Who?
I didn’t wan’t to make you cry.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yo momma.
Yo momma, who?
Seriously, it’s yo momma, open the damned door!

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mary Lee.
Mary lee who?
Mary Lee we roll along.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Chimney.
Chimney who?
Chimney cricket! Have you seen Pinocchio?

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Madam!
Madam who?
Madam foot is caught in the door!

Avg rating: 3.5

Comment:First in a large collection of Free Funny Knock Knock Jokes. More Knocking to come later.