Funny Jokes

Political Joke 1
Republicans say “Merry Christmas!” Democrats say “Happy Holidays!”

Political Joke 2
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

Political Joke 3
Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Political Joke 4
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

Political Joke 5
When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine. Democrats ask for a “Bud.”

Salesmen Joke 1
A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. “I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie. “But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well — only double.” The salesman thought about this for a while. “For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. “But your rival has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said. “I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the salesman said. Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But your rival has just received two Ferraris,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?” “Well,” said the salesman, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”

School Joke 1
Teacher: What’s 2 and 2? Pupil: 4 Teacher: That’s good. Pupil: Good?, that’s perfect!

School Joke 2
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is? Pupil: I expect it’s around Hadrian’s garden miss!

School Joke 3
Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour? Pupil: Because it can’t sit down!

School Joke 4
Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school

School Joke 5
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4? Pupil: That’s not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

Space Joke 1
What do you call an alien starship that drips water? A crying saucer !

Space Joke 2
What do you call an overweight ET ? An extra cholesterol !

Space Joke 3
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. “Mr. President,” said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, “there’s good news & bad news.” “Oh, no,” muttered the President, “Well, let me have the bad news first.” “The bad news, sir, is that we’ve been invaded by creatures from another planet.” “Gosh, and the good news?” “The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil.”

Spelling Joke 1
Please, ma”am! How do you spell ichael? The teacher was rather bewildered. “Don’t you mean Michael?” she asked. “No, ma am. I’ve written the M already.”

Spelling Joke 2
School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.

Spelling Joke 3
How do you spell wrong? R?o?n?g. That’s wrong. That’s what you asked for, isn’t it?

Spelling Joke 4
First witch: Here’s a banana if you can spell it. Second witch: I can spell banana. I just don’t know when to stop.

Teeth Joke 1
Fan: I’ve always admired you. Are your teeth your own? Actor: Whose do you think they are?

Teeth Joke 2
What did the vampire call his false teeth? A new fangled device.

Teeth Joke 3
What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards? He ate himself!

Teeth Joke 4
Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed? To catch her false teeth.

Time Joke 1
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, “You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”

Travel And Tourist Joke 1
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?” An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you re welcome to stay here, too.”

Waiter Joke 1
Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup! Waiter: Don’t worry, Sir, it’s not that hot!

Waiter Joke 2
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. “Are you crazy?” yelled the customer, “with your hand on my steak?” “What” answers the waiter, “You want it to fall on the floor again?”

Waiter Joke 3
Waiter: “Tea or coffee, gentlemen?” 1st customer: “I ll have tea.” 2nd customer: “Me, too – and be sure the glass is clean!” (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: “Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?”

Waiter Joke 4
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog’s legs? Certainly, Sir! Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!

Weather Joke 1
You re hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across (separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and Sir Edmund Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube stop. Whom don’t you believe? Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.

Weather Joke 2
Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella ? Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.

Weather Joke 3
You never get anything right, complained the teacher. What kind of job do you think you ll get when you leave school ? Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.

Women Joke 1
Why do women have smaller feet than men? – It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

Women Joke 2
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? – She starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

Women Joke 3
How do you fix a woman’s watch? – It doesn’t matter. There is a clock on the oven.

Women Joke 4
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? – The dog. He ll shut up once you let him in.

Yo Mama Jokes 1
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said “Moving.”

Yo Mama Jokes 2
Yo mama so poor she can’t afford to pay attention!

Yo Mama Jokes 3
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,”DING!”

Yo Mama Jokes 4
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

Yo Mama Jokes 5
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, “What ya doin ?” She said, “Buying luggage.”