Funny Jokes

Zodiac Joke 1
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?

Zodiac Joke 2
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Arians aren’t afraid of the dark.

Zodiac Joke 3
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)

Zodiac Joke 4
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so…

Military Joke 1
Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away — ka- boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away — ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph — bulls-eye! “I’ve got to get this guy!” Ross said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!” So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is lioni zed as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl.” “I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son.” “I don’t think you understand, Mother!” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I m here among thousands of my adoring fans.” “No, let me tell you,” the mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight.” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says “…I ll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.”

Mental Health Joke 1
Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: “Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you — everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world.”

Mental Health Joke 2
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He turned to the third mom. “Your obsession is alcohol and your child’s name is Brandy.” At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on sweety, let’s go home.”

Men Joke 1
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.”

Marriage Joke 1
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. What’s up? he says. I m having a heart attack, cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says, `Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on! The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

Journalist Joke 1
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.” The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Idiot And Fool Joke 1
Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea,” said Mike. “We ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.” “What, do you think I m stupid? I have an idea. I ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.” “What, do you think I m stupid? You ll just turn off the flashlight when I m halfway there.”

Humor Joke 1
How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You pokemon

Humor Joke 2
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, “How deep is this hole?” The farmer said, “Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?” The man, not wanting to g et the blame, said, “No.” The farmer said, “Oh well. He can’t get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.”

History Joke 1
Woman: Why are you begging for a quarter? Beggar: I didn’t think someone like you would give me a dollar.

History Joke 2
What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays.

History Joke 3
What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving? He gave tanks.

History Joke 4
You know an ancestor of mine came over on the Mayflower. “Really? Which rat was he?”

History Joke 5
Teacher: “What did the Indians bring to the first Thanksgiving?” Student: “Baseballs.” Teacher: “Baseballs?” Student: “Yeah, they were Cleveland Indians!”

History Joke 6
Why did the Pilgrims create Thanksgiving? They wanted another excuse to watch football.

Heaven And Hell Joke 1
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. “Sure,” GOD says, “Go right ahead”. “OK,” the man says. “Why did you make women so pretty?” GOD says, “So you would like them.” “OK,” the guy says. “But how come you made them so beautiful?” “So you would LOVE them”, GOD replies. The man ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such airheads?” GOD says, “So they would love you!”

Halloween Joke 1
What do witches eat at Halloween? Spook-etti, Halloweenies, Devil’s food cake and Boo-berry pie.

Halloween Joke 2
Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the Halloween party? He was going as a banana.

Halloween Joke 3
Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there’s lots of school spirit!

Halloween Joke 4
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party? The cat ate her.

Halloween Joke 5
What did the really ugly man do for a living? He posed for Halloween masks.

Halloween Joke 6
What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party? No one moved. They couldn’t stir without her.

Hair And Bald Joke 1
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.” The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. “And what if I swallow it?” “No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”