Funny Jokes

Heaven And Hell Joke 1
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. “Sure,” GOD says, “Go right ahead”. “OK,” the man says. “Why did you make women so pretty?” GOD says, “So you would like them.” “OK,” the guy says. “But how come you made them so beautiful?” “So you would LOVE them”, GOD replies. The man ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such airheads?” GOD says, “So they would love you!”

Hair And Bald Joke 1
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.” The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. “And what if I swallow it?” “No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

Ghost Joke 1
How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a living? By appearing in television spooktaculars.

Ghost Joke 2
What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost. Fasten your sheet belt.

Ghost Joke 3
What do you call a ghost that stays out all night? Afresh air freak.

Ghost Joke 4
Why did the ghost go to the funfair. He wanted to go on the rollerghoster.

Ghost Joke 5
Why did the ghost work at Scotland Yard? He was the Chief In-Spectre.

Ghost Joke 6
What do you call the ghost who is a child-rearing expert? Dr Spook.

Ghost Joke 7
Which ghost ate too much porridge? Ghouldilocks.

50 Best Joke 1
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

50 Best Joke 2
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. “Private,” the officer said, “I m recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.” “Warehouses?” the private shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”

Firefighter Joke 1
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning. “Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!” “The cups man! Save the cups!” cries George. “Uh, the fire hasn’t spread to the canteen yet, sir.”

Firefighter Joke 2
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador’s costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, “I m Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire.” The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, “Ole!” and quickly moved it aside.

Farmer Joke 1
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, “You can have this rooster. His name’s Roy. He ll get all your hens pregnant. He’s a real stud.” So the farmer takes him home and says, “It’s your first day so take it slow, okay?” The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says, “Roy, did you have to die?” Roy says, “Quiet! They re about to land!”

Face Joke 1
What is grey and hairy and lives on a man’s face? A mousetache.

Face Joke 2
Louise was watching her big sister covering her face with cream. “What’s that for?” she asked. “To make me beautiful,” came the reply. Louise then watched in silence as she wiped her face clean. “Doesn’t work, does it?” was her comment.

Face Joke 3
What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter? The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.

Face Joke 4
Fred: You have the face of a saint. Jill: Really? Which one? Fred: A Saint Bernard.

Easter Joke 1
What is the Easter Bunny’s favourite state capital? Albunny, New York!

Easter Joke 2
What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general? Napoleon Bunnyparte!

Easter Joke 3
Where did the Easter Bunny go to college? Johns Hopkins!

Easter Joke 4
Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs? She had to call an eggs-terminator!

Easter Joke 5
What is the Easter Bunny’s favourite sport? Basket-ball, of course!

Easter Joke 6
Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? He was having a bad hare day!

Divorce Joke 1
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.” He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.” “Ma am, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

Dentist Joke 1
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn’t all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o clock ball game.

Dentist Joke 2
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

Dead And Dying Joke 1
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read Fred Brown died .” Confounded at the woman’s thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies, “In that case, Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale .”

Dance Joke 1
Q. What do you have when only one line dancer comes to your party? A. A One Liner!

Dance Joke 2
Q. What do you call two line dancers doing the dance Shoot the Rooster? A. A Pair of Shoot (parachute)

Dance Joke 3
Q. What do you call a one legged linedancer? A. Eileen (I Lean)

Dance Joke 4
Q. Where do tired linedancers go for Breakfast? A. Ihop

Dance Joke 5
Andy: “Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row.” Doctor: “Hold it, Andy. That doesn’t sound so terrible.” Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.”