Funny Jokes

College Joke 1
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. “Tell me,” inquired the interviewer, “where do you expect to be ten years from now?” “Well, let’s see,” replied the student. “It’s Wednesday afternoon. I guess I ll be on the golf course by now.”

College Joke 2
Teenage Driver: But, officer, I m a college man. Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.

College Joke 3
Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars? So they can park in handicapped spaces.

College Joke 4
How do you know a Brigham Young student’s been mowing the lawn? The welcome mat is destroyed.

Clinton Joke 1
Q: How does Bill Clinton say “I m about to hurt you”? A: “Trust me.”

Clinton Joke 2
Q: What’s the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull? A: The pit bull doesn’t carry a briefcase.

Clinton Joke 3
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Christmas Joke 1
What do monkeys sing at Christmas ? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !

Christmas Joke 2
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles !

Christmas Joke 3
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I ll never part with it !

Christmas Joke 4
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them !

Christmas Joke 5
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ? A pineapple !

Christmas Joke 6
What do you give a train driver for Christmas ? Platform shoes !

Children Joke 1
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: “What does the cow say?” Child: “Moo!” Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?” Child: “Meow.” Mother: “Oh, you re so smart! What does the frog say?” And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, “Bud.”

Children Joke 2
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. “Davy, what noise does a cow make?” “It goes moo.” “Alice, what noise does a cat make?” “It goes meow.” “Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?” “It goes baaa.” “Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?” “Errr.., it goes.. click!”

Car And Train Joke 1
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man’s milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?” The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.”

Business Joke 1
These two construction workers always noticed that their boss always left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough, when Friday came, the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The one offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs. When he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was coming from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed back down the stairs and out the front door. He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend was still there and he was. His friend asked, “I thought you were headed home?” The man replied, “I did, but this is the last time I ever leave work early a gain.” His friend asked, “Why’s that?” The man replied, “I almost got caught by the boss.”

Bus Joke 1
Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver. Witch: Well, I won’t stand in your way.

Bus Joke 2
How do eels get around the seabed? They go by octobus.

Bus Joke 3
Bus passenger: I d like a ticket to New York, please. Ticket seller: By Buffalo? Bus passenger: Of course not, I m in the bus queue, aren’t I?

Bus Joke 4
What did the bus conductor say to the frog? Hop on.

Bus Joke 5
Why did the bat miss the bus? Because he hung around for too long.

Bus Joke 6
What do monsters play when they are in the bus? Squash.

Brother And Sister Joke 1
So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you? Yes- their dog is our dog’s brother.

Brother And Sister Joke 2
A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. Well, said the Scout. Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it.

Brother And Sister Joke 3
First Boy: Why is your brother always flying off the handle ? Second Boy: Because he’s got a screw loose !

Brother And Sister Joke 4
Peter: My brother wants to work badly! Anita: As I remember, he usually does !

Book Title Joke 1
How to Feed Elephants by P. Nutts

Book Title Joke 2
Aches and Pains by Arthur Ritis

Book Title Joke 3
The Spicy Sausage by Delia Katessen

Book Title Joke 4
The Punished Schoolboy by Major Bumsaw

Book Title Joke 5
The Long Walk Home by Miss D. Buss

Book Title Joke 6
How I Crossed the Desert by Rhoda Camul

Book Title Joke 7
Round the Mountain by Sheelagh B. Cummin

Book Title Joke 8
Is this Love? by Midas Wellbee

Book Title Joke 9
Dancing at the Party by Hans Neesanboompsadaisy

Blind Joke 1
One day two blind men started fighting. Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them. Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out “I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.” Both men ran away.

Blind Joke 2
Q: Why don’t blind people skydive? A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

Blind Joke 3
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!” The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

Birthday Joke 1
A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?” She said, “I d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”

Biologist Joke 1
Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack. The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, “What in the world are you doing?” He replies, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we ll jump down and make a run for it.” The second guy says, “Are you crazy? We both know you can’t outrun a full-grown grizzly bear.” The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!”