Funny Jokes

Bicycle Joke 1
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags?”, asked the guard. “Sand,” said the cyclist. “Get them off – we ll take a look,” said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. “Say friend, you sure had us crazy”, said the guard. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what is it you were smu ggling?” “Bicycles!”

Bed Joke 1
Who stole the sheets from the bed? Bed buglars.

Bed Joke 2
What should you do if you find a snake in your bed? Sleep in the wardrobe.

Bed Joke 3
What do you call a python with a great bedside manner? A snake charmer.

Bed Joke 4
What should you do if you find a witch in your bed? Run!

Bed Joke 5
Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister’s bed? Son: I couldn’t find a spider.

Bed Joke 6
Doctor, doctor, I m having difficulty sleeping. Doctor: Well maybe it’s your bed. Oh, I m all right at night, it’s in the day I have problems.

Beauty Joke 1
My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion. Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.

Beauty Joke 2
I m not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased! But that’s the problem – you don’t please anyone.

Beauty Joke 3
Fred: What’s that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders? Harry: Help! What is it? Fred: Your head!

Beauty Joke 4
She’s so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.

Beauty Joke 5
First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that’s vanity? Second girl: No, it’s imagination.

Beauty Joke 6
Who won the Monster Beauty Contest? No one.

Bath Joke 1
How do vampire football players get the mud off? They all get in the bat-tub.

Bath Joke 2
Which villains steal soap from the bath? Robber ducks.

Bath Joke 3
Boy: Dad, dad, there’s a spider in the bath. Dad: What’s wrong with that? You’ve seen spiders before. Boy: Yes, but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!

Bath Joke 4
Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath, Mrs Soap? Mrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I d drunk the bath there wasn’t room for medicine.

Barbie Doll Joke 1
There is a new Barbie doll on the market – Crash Test Barbie …comes with car and brick wall

Barbie Doll Joke 2
There is a new Barbie doll on the market – Marie Antionette Barbie …with removable head; guillotine included

Barbie Doll Joke 3
There is a new Barbie doll on the market – Hiroshima Barbie …just a shadow of her former self

Barbie Doll Joke 4
There is a new Barbie doll on the market – East German Swim Team Barbie …a Barbie head on a Ken doll

Barbie Doll Joke 5
There is a new Barbie doll on the market – Frozen Barbie on a Stick …in your grocer’s frozen food section

Bar Joke 1
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, I m Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, I m Jesus Christ. So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies,

Baby Joke 1
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

Baby Joke 2
Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world? She didn’t push the pram – she pulled it.

Baby Joke 3
What was the policeman’s baby’s first words ? Hallo, Hallo, Hallo !

Baby Joke 4
Knock knock. Who’s there? Baby Owl. Baby Owl who? Baby Owl see you later, baby not.

Baby Joke 5
How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake? It has a rattle.

Baby Joke 6
What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake? Stop crying and viper your nose.

Aviation Joke 1
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can’t hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy’s chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. “So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”

Answer Me This Joke 1
What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?

Answer Me This Joke 2
Do steam rollers really roll steam?

Answer Me This Joke 3
Why do you need a driver’s licence to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Answer Me This Joke 4
Can you repeat the part after “Listen very carefully”?

Answer Me This Joke 5
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called ship-ment but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?

Answer Me This Joke 6
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Accountant Joke 1
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: “This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old”. “Where did you get this exact information?” “I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old.”

Accountant Joke 2
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”

Aardvark Joke 1
What is uglier than an aardvark? Two aardvarks!

Aardvark Joke 2
What does the aardvark call his dog? Aard-bark!

Aardvark Joke 3
What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote? One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!

Aardvark Joke 4
Who loves hamburgers, French fries, and ants? Ronald MacAardvark!

Aardvark Joke 5
What does an aardvark keep in his aquarium? An aard-shark!

Aardvark Joke 6
What does an aardvark get when he overeats? Ant-digestion!

Aardvark Joke 7
What does an aardvark take for ant-digestion? Anta-Seltzer!

Aardvark Joke 8
Who’s the aardvark’s favorite female vocalist? Bearbara Streis-ant!

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

A roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.