Funny Jokes

Accountant Joke 1
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: “This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old”. “Where did you get this exact information?” “I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old.”

Accountant Joke 2
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”

Aardvark Joke 1
What is uglier than an aardvark? Two aardvarks!

Aardvark Joke 2
What does the aardvark call his dog? Aard-bark!

Aardvark Joke 3
What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote? One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!

Aardvark Joke 4
Who loves hamburgers, French fries, and ants? Ronald MacAardvark!

Aardvark Joke 5
What does an aardvark keep in his aquarium? An aard-shark!

Aardvark Joke 6
What does an aardvark get when he overeats? Ant-digestion!

Aardvark Joke 7
What does an aardvark take for ant-digestion? Anta-Seltzer!

Aardvark Joke 8
Who’s the aardvark’s favorite female vocalist? Bearbara Streis-ant!

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

A roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

The Ultimate Collection of 644 Chuck Norris Jokes, if you know of more please post them at the bottom.

182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

70% of a humans weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris’ weight is his dick.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard.

Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, “Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?”

The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, “I really don’t know, but I strongly suspect its parents.”

A Policeman pulled a car over and asked the man driving why he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone?

“I was only going 40!” the driver protested.

“Not according to my radar,” the police officer replied.

“Yes, I was!” the man shouted back in anger.

“No you weren’t!” the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man’s wife leaned toward the window and said,

“Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking.”

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, “If that’s the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!”

A social worker asks a collegue: “What time is it?”

The other one answers: “Sorry, don’t know, I have no watch.”

The first one: “Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it.”

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he’s sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, “I don’t like the sound of those drums.”

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.”

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.”

The post graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The post graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The post graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The post graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

“Well, I’m curious,” begged the man, “how long have you been wearing an earring?”

“Ehr, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a list.

“Lady,” one of them explained, “we’re on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar.”

“Wow,” the woman replied. “Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?”

To which the little boy replied, “Our babysitter’s boyfriend.”