Funny Jokes

Chuck Norris Joke 1
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

Chuck Norris Joke 2
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

Chuck Norris Joke 3
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

Chuck Norris Joke 4
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris Joke 5
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris Joke 6
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

Matthew sets up Andrew to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Andrew is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andrew, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry.” Matthew says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Andrew knocks at the girl’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andrew’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drink driving?”

The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

My husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that would match the color of his eyes.

Does anyone know where I can buy a bloodshot tie?

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

Murphy Computer Law 1
75% of the bugs laws in this page can be applied to MS Windows (Any version).

Murphy Computer Law 2
90% of a programmer errors come from data from other programmers.

Murphy Computer Law 3
A chain letter – will be sent. To global. A dozen times.

Murphy Computer Law 4
A complex system that does’ t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

Murphy Computer Law 5
A computer is only as smart as the person using it

Murphy Computer Law 6
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

“Elation,” she said.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “what about the opposite of woe?”

The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' .”

Why do hipsters have such a hard time with karate?

They cant get past the white belt.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists ? two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job.”