Funny Jokes

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman.
They met each other at a perfect party.
They dated for two perfect years.
They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Wedding Invitations

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff “miss” him. Most people are writing standard phrases like, “Without you, the company will never be the same,”

“We will always remember you,” etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied. “I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?”

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Momma can’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates.”

Shopping for a black cotton sweater, I couldn’t find anything suitable in a trendy Berkeley clothing store. A helpful saleswoman offered to check the store catalogue for a suitable black sweater.

After flipping through the pages, she looked up in consternation. “Mark,” she called to her co-worker, “what are we calling black this year?”

Please don’t make black racist comments on this joke, there’s a racist black jokes page at: Black Jokes One Liners

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, “George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” Washington advises, and then fades away…

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, “Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?”

“Respect the Constitution, as I did,” Jefferson advises, and dims from sight…The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, “Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?”

A college graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

A college graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

A college graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much it cost?”

A college graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

There was a young blonde girl who loved to wear skirts everyday to school.

One day a boy asked the blonde to climb the flag pole for a box of cookies.

She climbed the pole and all the boys in the schoolyard could see her panties.

When she got home she bragged to her mother that she got a box of cookies for climbing a flag pole. The mother knew that the boys just wanted to see up her skirt so she told the blonde girl not to climb the pole again.

The next day the boy asked her to climb the pole for a box of candy. She did and they all saw her panties again.

Old man: Can you give me an erection?

Faith Healer: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I’m sorry I cannot raise the “dead”.

Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger?

Son: I start cleaning toilet

Dad: How does that satisfy you?

Son: I clean it with your toothbrush

When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

>>Healthy Question: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

Healthy Answer: Your heart is good for only so many beats, and that’s it. Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

>>Healthy Question: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

Healthy Answer: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.