Funny Quotes

After making a comment on the Barack Obama Jokes page basically about how great it is to be able to poke fun at presidents because we live in safe countries, I realised I can also poke fun at not so democratically elected presidents like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the Iranian president

So here goes, Funny Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Jokes or funny political quotes to be precise.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Bill Maher
No, it’s sad about Iran, but what do you expect about a country with a government that’s propped up by oil, that’s led by a religious wacko? Kind of like Alaska.

Funny Phrase 1
All men are idiots, I married their king.

Funny Phrase 2
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Funny Phrase 3
Don’t drink and drive, You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Funny Phrase 4
Hang up and drive.

Funny Phrase 5
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Funny Phrase 6
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Funny Phrase 7
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Funny Phrase 8
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Funny Phrase 9
Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

Some of these are hilarious, a must read.

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.

“BECAUSE”: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

Terry Pratchett Quote 01
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead. — (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Terry Pratchett Quote 02
It’s going to look pretty good, then, isn’t it, said War testily, “the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocralypse.” — The Four Horsemen of the Apocralyse encounter unexpected difficulties (Terry Pratchett, Sourcery)

Terry Pratchett Quote 03
Sodomy non sapiens, said Albert under his breath. – “What does that mean?” – “Means I’m buggered if I know.” — Mort and Albert are facing a problem (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Murphy’s Combat Laws are very funny, a fresh take on the very old Murphy’s Laws states….

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 01
A “sucking chest wound” is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 02
A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 03
A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 04
A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

“Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie ‘King Kong’ and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that’s Maria Shriver.” –David Letterman

“The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill to build a 700-mile fence along the Mexican border. Apparently, the idea is to keep Mexicans from getting back home.” –Conan O’Brien

“A new season of ‘Survivor’ debuted tonight featuring the controversial idea of separating the tribes by race. The Asian tribe is called Puka Puka, the African-American tribe is called Manihiki, and the Caucasian tribe is called the Republicans.” –Conan O’Brien

“This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, ‘This time, Rumsfeld and I are going to wing it.’.” –Conan O’Brien

45 Funny Sex Quotes

Funny Sex Quote 01
A girl’s legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part. – Redd Foxx (from Comedy Album – Huffin and Puffin)

Funny Sex Quote 02
As a lover, I’m about as impressive as a magician on the radio. – Scott Roeben

Funny Sex Quote 03
Continental people have sex lives; the English have hot-water bottles. – George Mikes (How To Be An Alien, 1946)

Funny Sex Quote 04
Conversation like television set on honeymoon…unnecessary. – Peter Sellers (as Mr Wang in Murder by Death, 1976)

Funny Sex Quote 05
Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. – Steve Martin

100 Funny Quotes

Funny Quote 01
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Funny Quote 02
A dream catcher works, if your dream is to be gay – Demetri Martin

Funny Quote 03
A penny saved is ridiculous.

Funny Quote 04
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles.

Funny Quote 05
All generalizations are false, including this one.

Funny Quote 06
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry – Bill Cosby

Funny Bumper Sticker 1
8 Out Of 10 Voices In My Head Say ‘don’t Shoot’

Funny Bumper Sticker 2
99 Percent Of Lawyers Give The Rest A Bad Name

Funny Bumper Sticker 3
A Man Without A Woman Is Like A Neck Without A Pain

Funny Bumper Sticker 4
All Men Are Idiots, And I Married Their King

Funny Bumper Sticker 5
Beer: Now Cheaper Than Gasoline So Don’t Drive… Drink

Funny Bumper Sticker 6
Born Free But I’m Higher Priced Now

Funny Bumper Sticker 7
Born Free. Taxed To Death

Funny Bumper Sticker 8
Chaos-panic-fear My Work Here Is Done

A magazine recently ran a “funny management quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dysfunctional managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

Funny Management Quote 01
“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

Funny Management Quote 02
“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.” (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

Funny Management Quote 03
“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

Murphy’s Laws of Work 01
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.

Murphy’s Laws of Work 02
An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Murphy’s Laws of Work 03
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

Murphy’s Laws of Work 04
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

Murphy’s Laws of Work 05
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

Murphy’s Laws of Work 06
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.