So here goes, Funny Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Jokes or funny political quotes to be precise.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Bill Maher
No, it’s sad about Iran, but what do you expect about a country with a government that’s propped up by oil, that’s led by a religious wacko? Kind of like Alaska.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Bill Maher
The silver lining in this dark cloud is that Twitter found a reason to exist. Don’t you know that this could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter? Because that’s how people are communicating to go of the rallies and so forth, and show the pictures of what’s going on. Authorities, of course, in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the Internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they’re dropped immediately. Or as T-Mobile calls it, normal service.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Bill Maher
The Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khomeini, said this election was not rigged, the results are final, and you can protest all you want, but if you keep doing it, we’re going to start cracking heads. Now if we could only get this guy to call Norm Coleman.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
A lot of turmoil in Iran right now over the recent presidential election. People protesting the election results have been avoiding the government media crackdown by posting messages on Twitter. The tweets declare that Ahmadinejad stole the election and that Jabeer is enjoying a lamb kabob.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
During his speech at Columbia University, President Ahmadinejad said his country ‘doesn’t have problems with gay people because they don’t have homosexuals in Iran.’ Which finally explains why Ahmadinejad gets away with wearing a windbreaker from 1983.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
More unrest in Iran as the government continues to crack down on protesters. And to disperse crowds, Iranian police used tear gas, water cannons and the NBC primetime lineup.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
Obviously, ladies and gentlemen, big, big news is from Iran right now. Incredible, three days of riots, street fighting, people setting fire to everything. I’m not sure who won over there, Ahmadinejad or the Lakers.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
People are suspecting that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s re-election may have been a sham because he’s claiming he won by a 2-1 margin. They’re also suspicious of Ahmadinejad’s claim that he’s dating Megan Fox.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
President Ahmadinejad is claiming that he won, causing a lot of controversy. Some people say that Ahmadinejad cheated a little bit. They’re now that saying weeks before the election President Ahmadinejad distributed 400,000 tons of potatoes to voters in rural areas. Who knew he’d be put over the top by the Iranian-Irish vote?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
Some experts are saying the Iranian election was rigged because in some towns, voter turnout was more than 100%. What’s even stranger, all those extra votes were from elderly Jewish people in Palm Beach, Florida.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
The president of Iran gave a speech in New York City today, and thousands of New Yorkers are really upset about it. The New Yorkers said, ‘If we want to hear a short-tempered Iranian man yell at us, we’ll take a cab.’

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, controversial Iranian President Ahmadinejad insisted that Iran has freedom of the press. He says there are 30 newspapers published there that oppose his government. So, if you’re keeping track, that’s 30 opposition newspapers and 0 gay people.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, Iran’s President Ahmadinejad said that his country doesn’t have problems with gay people because they don’t have homosexuals in Iran. Although Ahmadinejad did admit that sometimes one Iranian will take another Iranian’s penis hostage.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Craig Ferguson
Election returns are kind of hard to believe. According to the numbers, both opposition candidates lost to Ahma-Dinna-Jacket in their hometowns. That’s like Barack Obama losing in the city of Chicago. I’m not, in any way, suggesting Iranian politics are as corrupt as Chicago, but even Blagojevich is like, ‘Oh, they’re good.’

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Craig Ferguson
Iran had its presidential election. President Ahma-Dinna-Jacket was way behind in the polls. And then, lo and behold, he won big, everywhere – in big cities, rural areas, even in Florida.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
Ahmadinejad has declared himself the winner of the election and is planning his inauguration. And I said, ‘Well, why not? The country is really in a party mood. Let’s go. Let’s get those plans in order. Let’s have some fun.’

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
And then, after the elections, the supreme leader in Iran certified the election results and shipped the crooked voting machines back to Florida.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
Because earlier, in the Iranian elections, it was a tie. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the other guy were tied, and now, couple a days later, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wins by a landslide. I don’t know. People are very upset. I mean, they sparked violent protests, calls for investigation, there is national outrage. Uh, wait a minute, that’s me.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
But I hope they get this figured out. I hope it goes away soon, because the last thing we need is unrest in the Middle East.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
But the guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he’s very happy that he won. He was up all night shooting nuclear missiles into the air.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
But the Iranian government is planning a curfew because things are getting so crazy in Iran. And I thought if there is one thing an angry mob respects, by God, it’s a curfew, isn’t it?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
But the supreme leader said that the Iranian elections were not rigged. Well, that’s good enough for me.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
But there were problems with the ballots in the Iranian election. And who would have thought that? There was a mistake. Thousands of Iranians ended up voting for Pat Buchanan.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
But this guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, I mean, he claims victory and he is very unpopular. And the danger politically of this, he could ruin the political career of his brother, Jeb Ahmadinejad.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
Have you been following what’s going on in Iran? Oh, it’s crazy. They had the election. Now it looks like there was some monkey business going on. And now people are demonstrating in the streets. And the government has imposed a curfew, in Iran. I was thinking, whoa, I just hope this doesn’t ruin the swinging Iranian night life.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
Have you folks been following the Iranian elections? Well how about this Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? You know, he won, he has won the election now. And people are angry, and they’re demanding a recount. And as a matter of fact, the last unofficial account actually had Al Franken ahead. They’ve gone crazy.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
Here’s the breakdown of the Iranian election: 63 percent of the vote for Ahmadinejad; Moussavi, he’s got 34 percent of the vote; and 3 percent of the vote goes to Ralph Nader.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
How about that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? What a guy this guy is, huh? According to this guy, he says there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
How many of you folks are following the elections in Iran? Hard not to. It’s compelling. Well, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected and won by a landslide, ladies and gentlemen. And I, you know, I guess the voters couldn’t resist his good looks and charisma.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
The leader of Iran’s opposition party, Mousavi, the guy who apparently lost in the election, says he’s ready to become a martyr. Don’t kid yourselves. It’s tough being a martyr nowadays, really. I mean, with the economy and all the budget cuts. When you die now, because of the economy, you’re only going to be greeted by 35, maybe 40 virgins, tops.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
Well, here’s more big news going on in Iran. You folks been following the Iranian elections? Well, here it is. It’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his opponent, Mir Hussein Moussavi. And they had one of those friendly bets. If Ahmadinejad wins the election, he gets a crate of figs, see. If Moussavi wins the election, he gets brutally slain.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
You folks are here during a great week. It’s ‘Lunatic Dictator Week’ in New York City. … Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here to visit the U.N., and also to recover some stolen sports memorabilia. … Earlier today, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University. Oh my gosh, ladies and gentleman, there hasn’t been this many angry protesting students at a college since Ball State named a building after me

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
You folks are here on a historic night. The entire balcony is filled with gay Iranians. … A couple of days ago, up at Columbia University … Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. By the way, that’s why in Iran, it’s nearly impossible to get your dog groomed.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
You folks following the Iranian elections? Well, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the winner. And lots of protests. And it got to be so crazy that Iran’s supreme leader actually spoke live on television last night. And it preempted Al Jazeera’s most popular show, their number one show over there, which is ‘How I Met Your Camel.’

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
Actually, there was a lot of controversy over letting him speak at Columbia. The dean of the university said that he would even let Hitler speak. Apparently, he didn’t realize he just did.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
Ahmadinejad … is against drugs, he’s against alcohol, against premarital sex, against homosexuality and pornography. What’s he speaking at a college for? Good luck finding any common ground with those kids.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things yesterday. My favorite is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, today, Idaho Senator Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
As you know, women in Iran have to cover up. … Premarital sex is against the law. In fact, a man can’t even touch a woman over there unless you’re married. There’s no R-rated movies. I’m surprised all guys in Iran aren’t gay by now.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
Earlier today, [Ahmadinejad] spoke to students at Columbia University. You know why he chose Columbia? … ‘Cause Notre Dame’s football program sucks this year. … No, it was tricky because he had to have an interpreter that could lie in two languages.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
My favorite part of his speech is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. That’s what he said. Too bad, because they need somebody to choreograph those parades they have every week.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
The Iranian President … is coming to New York, but he’s been denied permission to go to Ground Zero in New York City. He wanted to go to Ground Zero. I got an idea. Is there any way we can bring Ground Zero to him?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahma-nut job, has arrived in the United States. Did you know he was issued a visa to come here? Isn’t that amazing? You need a visa to get into the United States now, when did they start with that? … You know the interesting part? After he landed, he actually drove his own cab in from the airport.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
Yesterday at Columbia University, it was ‘Take Your Insane Dictator To Work Day.’ There was a lot of controversy about letting the Iranian president speak here in the United States, much less at a university. I have to admit, I didn’t like it. … I mean, if he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way … you win an Academy Award.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jimmy Fallon
Today, Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khomeini, said there’s no fraud in the election, and the results will stand. That was the word from the supreme leader. I don’t know, I wouldn’t mind a second opinion from the other supreme leaders: Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme, and of course, Diana Ross.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jimmy Fallon
Well, the results from Iran’s presidential elections are in. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared victory. But his opponent, Mir-Hossein Mousavi, is claiming ballot fraud and wants an investigation. If that doesn’t work, he’s planning on making a documentary about global warming.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jimmy Kimmel
Iranian President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad is headed back home tonight after a whirl-wind trip to New York. He said many, many crazy things during his time here, but the one most people seemed focused on, I certainly am, is his contention that there are no homosexuals in Iran. That claim was challenged by an Iranian news reporter [on screen: Ahmadinejad saying he knows no homosexuals after Iranian reporter says she knows several gay Iranians]. Neither did Larry Craig, right?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jimmy Kimmel
Some massive protests continued today in Iran. Hundreds of thousands of people swarmed the streets to protest what they believe was election fraud in the re-election of President Mahmoud A Members Only Jacket.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jimmy Kimmel
The President of Iran is in the United States. President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad addressed the United Nations General Assembly today. … This guy is nuts. He denies the Holocaust happened. He says his country has no homosexuals. He’s looked very hard for them, he’s even placed personal ads. … Hey, maybe if there were homosexuals in Iran, he’d be better dressed

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jon Stewart
Ladies and gentlemen, the face of evil, the Hitler of our generation. Let’s hear his terrifying words [on screen: Ahmadinejad claiming that there are no homosexuals in Iran]. … That’s so interesting there are no homosexuals in Iran because in America, there are no homosexuals in our conservative movement either.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jon Stewart
New York City today abuzz. The big talk? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here speaking at the U.N. and actually touring our fair city. Start spreading the news … ‘Death to America.’ … Even before his arrival, Ahmadinejad caused a stir by saying he wanted to visit Ground Zero, a request many New Yorkers saw as the ultimate insult. Or so they thought, until the diminutive Iranian got off his plane at Kennedy Airport [on screen: Ahmadinejad with a Boston Red Sox hat on]. … The really dickish part about that? He’s a Twins fan.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jon Stewart
With the streets here gridlocked by security, how would Ahmadinejad have the time to make all these commitments? Simple. He gets to drive in the Holocaust Deniers Lane. One thing you can’t deny is the time you’ll save.

Funny Phrase 2
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Funny Phrase 3
Don’t drink and drive, You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Funny Phrase 4
Hang up and drive.

Funny Phrase 5
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Funny Phrase 6
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Funny Phrase 7
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Funny Phrase 8
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Funny Phrase 9
Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

Funny Phrase 10
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Funny Phrase 11
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Funny Phrase 12
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Funny Phrase 13
Where there’s a will… I want to be on it.

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.

“BECAUSE”: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom’s other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.”

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.”

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

“EXCUSE ME”: One of Mom’s favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “putout” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM”

FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be like when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

“I SAID SO”: Reason enough, according to Mom.

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad’s stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An “exaggeration” Mom uses to transform her child’s papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See “Kids’ Friends”

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look “cheap.”

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

“MOMMMMMMM!”: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element of Mom’s favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it’s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear “the geeky thing.”

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids’ faces.

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has
yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”

TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all summer.

“THAT WAY”: How kids shouldn’t look at moms if they know what’s good for them. Also applies to how they talk.

TOWELS: See “FLOOR COVERINGS”

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

UTOPIA: See “BUBBLE BATH”

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be “Just like Daddy.”

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

“WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME”: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.

XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also “DRUMS”

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kid’s outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can’t bear to part with.

“YIPPEE!”: What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also “YAHOO!”

ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Terry Pratchett Quote 02
It’s going to look pretty good, then, isn’t it, said War testily, “the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocralypse.” — The Four Horsemen of the Apocralyse encounter unexpected difficulties (Terry Pratchett, Sourcery)

Terry Pratchett Quote 03
Sodomy non sapiens, said Albert under his breath. – “What does that mean?” – “Means I’m buggered if I know.” — Mort and Albert are facing a problem (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Terry Pratchett Quote 04
“There is nothing that can be in our way, for this is Jekub, that Laughs at Barriers, and says brrm-brrm. — From the Book Of Nome, Jekub, Chap. 3, v. V (Terry Pratchett, Diggers)

Terry Pratchett Quote 05
What is it that a man may call the greatest things in life?”" – “”Hot water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper.”" — Cohen the Barbarian in conversation with Discworld nomads (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic) ”

Terry Pratchett Quote 06
You won’t get away with this, said Cutwell. He thought for a bit and added, “Well, you will probably get away with it, but you’ll feel bad about it on your deathbed and you’ll wish — ” He stopped talking. — Cutwell tries to reason with the Duke of Sto Helit (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Terry Pratchett Quote 07
You’re dead, he said. Keli waited. She couldn’t think of any suitable reply. “I’m not” lacked a certain style, while “Is it serious?” seemed somehow too frivolous. — Princess Keli in trouble (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Terry Pratchett Quote 08
A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read. — (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

Terry Pratchett Quote 09
A number of religions in Ank-Morpork still practised human sacrifice, except that they didn’t really need to practice any more because they had got so good at it. — (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

Terry Pratchett Quote 10
A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength. It has been universally established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon or three normal sized billiard balls. — (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Terry Pratchett Quote 11
All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink, to rush at enemies screaming “Arrrrrrgh!” and axing their legs off at the knee. — (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

Terry Pratchett Quote 12
All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional. — (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

Terry Pratchett Quote 13
Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote. — Discworld politics explained (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Terry Pratchett Quote 14
Any wizard bright enough to survive for five minutes was also bright enough to realise that if there was any power in demonology, then it lay with the demons. Using it for your own purposes would be like trying to beat mice to death with a rattlesnake. — Why summoning demons is a Bad Idea (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

Terry Pratchett Quote 15
He moved in a way that suggested he was attempting the world speed record for the nonchalant walk. — (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Terry Pratchett Quote 16
He nodded to the troll which was employed by the Drum as a splatter [footnote: Like a bouncer, but trolls use more force]. — Nobby takes Carrot for a drink in The Mended Drum (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

Terry Pratchett Quote 17
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, he said, BUT I COULD MURDER A CURRY. — Death addresses his new apprentice (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Terry Pratchett Quote 18
‘I HOPE WE ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE ANY OF THIS “FOUL FIEND” BUSINESS AGAIN.’– DEATH gets summoned by the college council (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

Terry Pratchett Quote 19
I USHERED SOULS INTO THE NEXT WORLD. I WAS THE GRAVE OF ALL HOPE. I WAS THE ULTIMATE REALITY. I WAS THE ASSASSIN AGAINST WHOM NO LOCK WOULD HOLD. – “Yes, point taken, but do you have any particular skills?” — Death consults a job broker (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Terry Pratchett Quote 20
‘If you’re going to suggest I try dropping twenty feet down a pitch dark tower in the hope of hitting a couple of greasy little steps which might not even still be there, you can forget it,’ said Rincewind sharply. – ‘There is an alternative, then.’ – ‘Out with it, man.’ – ‘You could drop five hundred feet down a pitch black tower and hit stones which certainly are there,’ said Twoflower. Dead silence from below him. Then Rincewind said, accusingly, ‘That was sarcasm.’ — (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Terry Pratchett Quote 21
It is a fact that although the Death of the Discworld is, in his own words, an ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION, he long ago gave up using the traditional skeletal horses, because of the bother of having to stop all the time to wire bits back on. — (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Terry Pratchett Quote 22
It was possibly the most circumspect advance in the history of military manoeuvres, right down at the bottom end of the scale that things like the Charge of the Light Brigade are at the top of. — The City Watch takes action (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

Terry Pratchett Quote 23
Lady Ramkin’s bosom rose and fell like an empire. — (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

Terry Pratchett Quote 24
‘Oook?’ It’s a metaphor of human bloody existence, a dragon. And if that wasn’t bad enough, it’s also a bloody great hot flying thing. — Captain Vimes ponders his problems (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

Terry Pratchett Quote 25
People who are rather more than six feet tall and nearly as broad across the shoulders often have uneventful journeys. People jump out at them from behind rocks then say things like, “Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else.” — Carrot travels to Ankh-Morpork (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

Terry Pratchett Quote 26
Poets have tried to describe Ankh-Morpork. They have failed. Perhaps it’s the sheer zestful vitality of the place, or maybe it’s just that a city with a million inhabitants and no sewers is rather robust for poets, who prefer daffodils and no wonder. — (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Terry Pratchett Quote 27
‘Pull me up, then,’ he hinted. – ‘I think that might be sort of difficult,’ grunted Twoflower. ‘I don’t actually think I can do it, in fact.’ – ‘What are you holding on to, then?’ – ‘You.’ – ‘I mean besides me.’ – ‘What do you mean, besides you?’ said Twoflower. — (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Terry Pratchett Quote 28
‘Shut up and tell me what that other idiot ish doing!’ ‘No, but look, if I’ve got to shut up, how can I –’ The knife at his throat became a hot streak of pain and Rincewind decided to give logic a miss. — Cohen the Barbarian interrogates Rincewind (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Terry Pratchett Quote 29
Something small and distant broke through the cloud layer, trailing shreds of vapour. In the stratospheric calm the sounds of bickering came sharp and clear. ‘You said you could fly one of these things!’ ‘No I didn’t; I just said *you* couldn’t!’ — Rincewind and Twoflower attempt broomstick flying (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Terry Pratchett Quote 30
‘Students made it long ago,’ said Rincewind. Handy way in and out after lights out.’ ‘Ah,’ said Twoflower, ‘I *understand*. Over the wall and out to brightly-lit tavernas to drink and sing and recite poetry, yes?’ ‘Nearly right except for the singings and the poetry, yes,’ said Rincewind. — (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Terry Pratchett Quote 31
The consensus seemed to be that if really large numbers of men were sent to storm the mountain, then enough might survive the rocks to take the citadel. This is essentially the basis of all military thinking. — (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

Terry Pratchett Quote 32
The druid stiffened. ‘*Nice?*’ he said. ‘A triumph of the silicon chunk, a miracle of modern masonic technology — *nice*? ‘Oh, yes,’ said Twoflower, to whom sarcasm was merely a seven letter word beginning with S. — (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Terry Pratchett Quote 33
The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that’s where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won’t do if they don’t know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight. — (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

Terry Pratchett Quote 34
The librarian was, ex officio, a member of the college council. No-one had been able to find any rule about orang-utans being barred, although they had surreptiously looked very hard for one. — Unseen University politics at work (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

Terry Pratchett Quote 35
The old shaman said carefully, ‘You didn’t just see two men go through upside down on a broomstick, shouting and screaming at each other, did you?’ The boy looked at him levelly. ‘Certainly not,’ he said. The old man heaved a sigh of relief. ‘Thank goodness for that,’ he said. ‘Neither did I.’ — Rincewind and Twoflower take up broomstick flying (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Terry Pratchett Quote 36
The only things known to go faster than ordinary light is monarchy, according to the philosopher Ly Tin Weedle. He reasoned like this: you can’t have more than one king, and tradition demands that there is no gap between kings, so when a king dies the succession must therefore pass to the heir *instantaneously*. Presumeably, he said, there must be some elementary particles — kingons, or possibly queons — that do this job, but of course succession sometimes fails if, in mid-flight, they strike an anti-particle, or republicon. His ambitious plans to use his discovery to send messages, involving the careful torturing of a small king in order to modulate the signal, were never fully expanded because, at that point, the bar closed. — (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Terry Pratchett Quote 37
The point that must be made is that although Herrena the Henna-Haired Harridan would look quite stunning after a good bath, a heavy-duty manicure, and the pick of the leather racks in Woo Hung Ling’s Oriental Exotica and Martial Aids on Heroes Street, she was currently quite sensibly dressed in light chain mail, soft boots, and a short sword. All right, maybe the boots were leather. But not black. — (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Terry Pratchett Quote 38
The thing between Death’s triumphant digits was a fly from the dawn of time. It was the fly in the primordial soup. It had bred on mammoth turds. It wasn’t a fly that bangs on window panes, it was a fly that drills through walls. — Death goes fishing (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Terry Pratchett Quote 39
The three rules of the Librarians of Time and Space are: 1) Silence; 2) Books must be returned no later than the date last shown; and 3) Do not interfere with the nature of causality. — (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

Terry Pratchett Quote 40
There had been some desultory talk about putting up a statue to Rincewind but, by the curious alchemy that tends to apply in these sensitive issues, this quickly became a plaque, then a note on the Roll of Honour, and finally a motion of censure for being improperly dressed. — Unseen University politics at work (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

Terry Pratchett Quote 41
There was a thoughtful pause in the conversation as the assembled Brethren mentally divided the universe into the deserving and the undeserving, and put themselves on the appropriate side. — The Unique and Supreme Lodge of the Elucidated Brethren see the light (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

Terry Pratchett Quote 42
Women’s clothes were not a subject that preoccupied Cutwell much — in fact, usually when he thought about women his mental pictures seldom included any clothes at all — but the vision in front of him really did take his breath away. — Princess Keli prepares for her coronation (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

Terry Pratchett Quote 43
‘You mean mysterious ancient races of Amazonian princesses who subject all male prisoners to strange and exhausting progenitative rites?’ said Eric, his glasses beginning to fog. — (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 01
A “sucking chest wound” is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 02
A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 03
A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 04
A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 05
Air Strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 06
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 07
As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 08
Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 09
Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 10
Field experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 11
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism in boot camp.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 12
Friendly fire isn’t.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 13
If at first you don’t succeed, call in an air-strike.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 14
If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 15
If the enemy is in range, so are you.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 16
If the platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 17
If you can’t remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 18
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 19
If you’re short of everything but the enemy, you’re in a combat zone.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 20
Incoming fire has the right of way.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 21
Interchangeable parts aren’t.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 22
Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won’t be able to get out.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 23
Murphy was a grunt.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 24
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 25
Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 26
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 27
Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 28
Never tell the platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 29
No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 30
One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 31
Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 32
Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just regrouping for a counter-attack.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 33
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 34
Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 35
The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon’s operator.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 36
The easy way is always mined.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 37
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 38
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. when you’re ready for them.b. when you’re not ready for them.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 39
The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an insecure channel.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 40
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 41
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 42
The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 43
The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal Of Honor.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 44
The one item you need is always in short supply.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 45
The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 46
The seriousness of a wound received in a fire-fight is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 47
The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don’t know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON’T want.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 48
The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 49
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 50
There is always a way.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 51
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 52
There is no such thing as military ‘intelligence’.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 53
Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 54
To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 55
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 56
Walking point = sniper bait.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 57
When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 58
When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 59
When you have sufficient supplies and ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies and ammo, the enemy decides to attack that night.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 60
Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 61
Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can’t hit the broad side of a barn.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 62
Your bivouac for the night is the spot where got tired of marching that day.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 63
Air defense motto: shoot ‘em down; sort ‘em out on the ground.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 64
You’ll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 65
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 66
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 67
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 68
Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 69
Five second fuses always burn three seconds.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 70
‘Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it’ll go.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 71
Fortify your front; you’ll get your rear shot up.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 72
How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 73
If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 74
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 75
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 76
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 77
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 78
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 79
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 80
It’s not the one with your name on it; it’s the one addressed “to whom it may concern” you’ve got to think about.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 81
Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 82
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 83
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 84
Napalm is an area support weapon.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 85
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 86
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 87
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 88
No PLAN ever survives initial contact.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 89
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 90
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 91
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 92
Recoil-less rifles – aren’t.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 93
Sniper’s motto: reach out and touch someone.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 94
So he said, “Cheer up: it could be worse!” So we cheered up. And it got worse.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 95
Suppressive fires – won’t.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 96
The ammo you need “NOW”!! is on the “Next” airdrop!!

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 97
The Cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 98
The enemy “Always” times his attack, to the second you drop your pants in the Latrine!!

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 99
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 100
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 101
The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flex mount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 102
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 103
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 104
The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 105
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 106
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 107
Things that must work together, can’t be carried to the field that way.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 108
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren’t.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 109
Tracers work both ways.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 110
Weather ain’t neutral.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 111
Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 112
When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 113
When in doubt, empty your magazine.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 114
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 115
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 116
Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 117
Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

Murphy’s Laws of Combat 118
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

“A new season of ‘Survivor’ debuted tonight featuring the controversial idea of separating the tribes by race. The Asian tribe is called Puka Puka, the African-American tribe is called Manihiki, and the Caucasian tribe is called the Republicans.” –Conan O’Brien

“This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, ‘This time, Rumsfeld and I are going to wing it.’.” –Conan O’Brien

Funny Sex Quote 01
A girl’s legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part. – Redd Foxx (from Comedy Album – Huffin and Puffin)

Funny Sex Quote 02
As a lover, I’m about as impressive as a magician on the radio. – Scott Roeben

Funny Sex Quote 03
Continental people have sex lives; the English have hot-water bottles. – George Mikes (How To Be An Alien, 1946)

Funny Sex Quote 04
Conversation like television set on honeymoon…unnecessary. – Peter Sellers (as Mr Wang in Murder by Death, 1976)

Funny Sex Quote 05
Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. – Steve Martin

Funny Sex Quote 06
Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life. – Dorothy Parker

Funny Sex Quote 07
He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical. – Les Dawson

Funny Sex Quote 08
Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone. – Dave Letterman

Funny Sex Quote 09
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. – Phyllis Diller

Funny Sex Quote 10
I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy. – Steve Martin

Funny Sex Quote 11
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath’. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds. – Joan Rivers

Funny Sex Quote 12
I practice safe sex – I use an airbag. – Garry Shandling

Funny Sex Quote 13
I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie. – Sting

Funny Sex Quote 14
I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though. – Elton John

Funny Sex Quote 15
If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all. – Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Sex Quote 16
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to? – Bette Midler

Funny Sex Quote 17
I’ll come and make love to you at five o’clock. If I’m late, start without me. – Tallulah Bankhead

Funny Sex Quote 18
I’m a terrible lover. I’ve actually given a woman an anti-climax. – Scott Roeben

Funny Sex Quote 19
It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. – Drew Carey

Funny Sex Quote 20
It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. – George Burns

Funny Sex Quote 21
I’ve been in more laps than a napkin. – Mae West

Funny Sex Quote 22
Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying. – Rita Rudner

Funny Sex Quote 23
My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading. – Steve Jobs

Funny Sex Quote 24
Personally I know nothing about sex because I’ve always been married. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Funny Sex Quote 25
Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got. – Sophia Loren

Funny Sex Quote 26
Sex is a two-way treat. – Franklin P Jones

Funny Sex Quote 27
Sex is better than talk…Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. – Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)

Funny Sex Quote 28
Sex is God’s joke on human beings. – Bette Davis

Funny Sex Quote 29
Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range. – Scott Roeben

Funny Sex Quote 30
Sex is like bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand. – Charles Pierce

Funny Sex Quote 31
Sex is more fun than cars but cars refuel quicker than men. – Germaine Greer

Funny Sex Quote 32
Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature. – Marilyn Monroe

Funny Sex Quote 33
Sex is the best high. It’s better than any drug. I want to die making love because it feels so good. – Bai Ling

Funny Sex Quote 34
Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary. – Barry Humphries

Funny Sex Quote 35
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. – John Barrymore

Funny Sex Quote 36
The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. – Rita Rudner

Funny Sex Quote 37
The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty. – Woody Allen (Crimes and Misdemeanors, 1989)

Funny Sex Quote 38
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem? – Phyllis Diller

Funny Sex Quote 39
What’s the most popular pastime in America? Auto eroticism, hands down. – Scott Roeben

Funny Sex Quote 40
When I came here, I couldn’t speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish. – Julio Iglesias

Funny Sex Quote 41
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. – Billy Crystal (City Slickers, 1991)

Funny Sex Quote 42
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. – Billy Crystal

Funny Sex Quote 43
You cannot grow a beard in a moment of passion. – G. K. Chesterton

Funny Sex Quote 44
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! – Drew Carey

Funny Sex Quote 45
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. – Steve Martin

Funny Quote 01
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Funny Quote 02
A dream catcher works, if your dream is to be gay – Demetri Martin

Funny Quote 03
A penny saved is ridiculous.

Funny Quote 04
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles.

Funny Quote 05
All generalizations are false, including this one.

Funny Quote 06
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry – Bill Cosby

Funny Quote 07
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Funny Quote 08
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson

Funny Quote 09
Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.

Funny Quote 10
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. – Jerry Garcia

Funny Quote 11
Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life – Dorothy Parker

Funny Quote 12
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

Funny Quote 13
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Funny Quote 14
Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal – Demetri Martin

Funny Quote 15
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

Funny Quote 16
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.

Funny Quote 17
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.

Funny Quote 18
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Funny Quote 19
Fragile. Do not drop. — Posted on a Boeing 757

Funny Quote 20
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Funny Quote 21
Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!

Funny Quote 22
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

Funny Quote 23
Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Funny Quote 24
He who laughs last didn’t get it.

Funny Quote 25
He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. – Paddy O’Dea

Funny Quote 26
How do you get a Kleenex to dance? Put a little boogy in it!

Funny Quote 27
How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?

Funny Quote 28
Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone – Dave Letterman

Funny Quote 29
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

Funny Quote 30
I could have eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!

Funny Quote 31
I have opinions of my own — strong opinions — but I don’t always agree with them. – George Bush

Funny Quote 32
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Funny Quote 33
I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie – Sting

Funny Quote 34
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married – Drew Carey

Funny Quote 35
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack – Demetri Martin

Funny Quote 36
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Funny Quote 37
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman

Funny Quote 38
Ideas don’t stay in some minds very long because they don’t like solitary confinement.

Funny Quote 39
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Funny Quote 40
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Funny Quote 41
If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment – Dave Allen

Funny Quote 42
If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.

Funny Quote 43
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Funny Quote 44
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

Funny Quote 45
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

Funny Quote 46
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. – Al Bundy

Funny Quote 47
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Funny Quote 48
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

Funny Quote 49
It’s 11PM, do you know where your pants are?

Funny Quote 50
It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

Funny Quote 51
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Funny Quote 52
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin

Funny Quote 53
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams

Funny Quote 54
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

Funny Quote 55
Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying – Rita Rudner

Funny Quote 56
Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

Funny Quote 57
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. – Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)

Funny Quote 58
Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

Funny Quote 59
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

Funny Quote 60
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Funny Quote 61
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Funny Quote 62
Note – The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

Funny Quote 63
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. -George W. Bush

Funny Quote 64
Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

Funny Quote 65
Sex is a two-way treat – Franklin P Jones

Funny Quote 66
Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature – Marilyn Monroe

Funny Quote 67
Sex is the best high. It’s better than any drug. I want to die making love because it feels so good – Bai Ling

Funny Quote 68
Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to management is knowing which mules are which.

Funny Quote 69
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson

Funny Quote 70
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Funny Quote 71
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Funny Quote 72
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch

Funny Quote 73
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Funny Quote 74
The road to success is always under construction.

Funny Quote 75
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Funny Quote 76
There are three sides of an argument — your side, my side and the right side.

Funny Quote 77
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Funny Quote 78
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Funny Quote 79
This is a quantum car. I don’t know where I am, but I’m going really fast.

Funny Quote 80
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils … – Louis Hector Berlioz

Funny Quote 81
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Funny Quote 82
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’

Funny Quote 83
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

Funny Quote 84
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.

Funny Quote 85
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

Funny Quote 86
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Funny Quote 87
What you call dog with no legs? Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.

Funny Quote 88
Whatever it is — I didn’t do it!

Funny Quote 89
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Funny Quote 90
When I came here, I couldn’t speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish – Julio Iglesias

Funny Quote 91
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Funny Quote 92
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Funny Quote 93
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

Funny Quote 94
Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I’m a locksmith. And… I’m a locksmith…

Funny Quote 95
Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it really is ‘after light’?

Funny Quote 96
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from.

Funny Quote 97
You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark ?

Funny Quote 98
You laugh because I’m different……….. I laugh cause I just farted!

Funny Quote 99
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’. -Homer Simpson

Funny Quote 100
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! – Drew Carey

Funny Bumper Sticker 2
99 Percent Of Lawyers Give The Rest A Bad Name

Funny Bumper Sticker 3
A Man Without A Woman Is Like A Neck Without A Pain

Funny Bumper Sticker 4
All Men Are Idiots, And I Married Their King

Funny Bumper Sticker 5
Beer: Now Cheaper Than Gasoline So Don’t Drive… Drink

Funny Bumper Sticker 6
Born Free But I’m Higher Priced Now

Funny Bumper Sticker 7
Born Free. Taxed To Death

Funny Bumper Sticker 8
Chaos-panic-fear My Work Here Is Done

Funny Bumper Sticker 9
Discourage Inbreeding Ban Country Music

Funny Bumper Sticker 10
Don”t Bother Me I’m Living Happily Ever After

Funny Bumper Sticker 11
Don’t Steal. The Government Hates Competition

Funny Bumper Sticker 12
Even Though This Is A Stupid Sticker You’re Squinting To Read It

Funny Bumper Sticker 13
Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Don’t Have Film Facility

Funny Bumper Sticker 14
Everyone Is Born Right-handed Only The Gifted Overcome It

Funny Bumper Sticker 15
Filthy Stinking Rich (2 Out Of 3 Ain’t Bad)

Funny Bumper Sticker 16
Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies

Funny Bumper Sticker 17
Gun Control Means Using Both Hands

Funny Bumper Sticker 18
Hands Up Motherstickers This Is A Fuckup

Funny Bumper Sticker 19
Hard Work Has A Future Payoff. Laziness Pays Off Now.

Funny Bumper Sticker 20
Hard Work Never Killed Anyone But Why Take The Chance?

Funny Bumper Sticker 21
I Don’t Suffer From Insanity… I Enjoy Every Minute Of It

Funny Bumper Sticker 22
I Had A Handle On Life But It Broke

Funny Bumper Sticker 23
I Respect Your Opinioni Just Don’t Want To Hear It

Funny Bumper Sticker 24
I’d Rather Be Raisin’ Cain Than Raisin’ Bran

Funny Bumper Sticker 25
If The Screams From My Trunk Bother You Turn Up Your Radio

Funny Bumper Sticker 26
If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher If You’re Reading It In English, Thank A Soldier

Funny Bumper Sticker 27
If You Can’t Live Without Me How Come You’re Not Dead?

Funny Bumper Sticker 28
I’m Getting Off Here

Funny Bumper Sticker 29
I’m Gonna Survive Even If It Kills Me

Funny Bumper Sticker 30
I’m Not Mooning You I’m Turning The Other Cheek

Funny Bumper Sticker 31
I’m Not Tailgating I’m Kissing Ass

Funny Bumper Sticker 32
Isn’t A Smoking Area In A Restaurant Like A Peeing Area In A Swimming Pool?

Funny Bumper Sticker 33
It’s Been A Long Week Already And It’s Only Monday

Funny Bumper Sticker 34
I’ve Got A Perfect Body But It’s In The Trunk And Beginning To Smell

Funny Bumper Sticker 35
Jesus Is Coming Look Busy

Funny Bumper Sticker 36
Just When You Think Life’s A Bitch It Has Puppies

Funny Bumper Sticker 37
Lawyers – Criminals I Forget The Difference

Funny Bumper Sticker 38
Life’s A Casino & I Keep Crapping Out

Funny Bumper Sticker 39
Like A Roll Of Toilet Paper Life Goes Faster Near The End

Funny Bumper Sticker 40
Look Out! I Drive Just Like You

Funny Bumper Sticker 41
Love Him Like A King Train Him Like A Dog

Funny Bumper Sticker 42
Love Thy Neighbor But Don’t Get Caught

Funny Bumper Sticker 43
My 401-k Is Now A 101-k

Funny Bumper Sticker 44
Nowhere You Are

Funny Bumper Sticker 45
Out Of My Mind (back In 5 Minutes)

Funny Bumper Sticker 46
Shh! I’m Listening To A Book

Funny Bumper Sticker 47
Shit Hit The Fan? Try The Toilet Instead

Funny Bumper Sticker 48
Slick, Smooth & Flashy (and I Don’t Mean My Car)

Funny Bumper Sticker 49
Some People Are Only Alive Because It’s Illegal To Shoot Them

Funny Bumper Sticker 50
Stay Out Of The Fridge Unless You Want To Look Like This!

Funny Bumper Sticker 51
Support Cannibalism. Eat Me

Funny Bumper Sticker 52
T”m Great In Bed (i Can Sleep All Night)

Funny Bumper Sticker 53
The Masses Are Asses

Funny Bumper Sticker 54
Truck Drivers Back Up But They Won’t Back Down

Funny Bumper Sticker 55
Turn The Other Cheek? Hell, I Kick Ass

Funny Bumper Sticker 56
We’re Born Cold, Wet And Hungry Then Things Get Worse

Funny Bumper Sticker 57
Why Litter? Just Shove It Up Your Ass

Funny Bumper Sticker 58
Women Love Exclamation Points!!! (but They Hate Periods)