Funny Quotes

Funny Motto 1
A person who smiles in the face of adversity…probably has a scapegoat.

Funny Motto 2
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

Funny Motto 3
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Funny Motto 4
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Funny Motto 5
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Funny Motto 6
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Funny Motto 7
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it!

- Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time!

- Do not start with me. You will not win.

- You have the right to remain silent. So please shut up.

- All stressed out, and no one to choke!

Funny Voicemail Message 1
Hi you reached your name and I’m not here. Leave a message.. BEEP.. Seconds later say “HAHA, that was a fake beep created by my mouth. I fooled you good!”

Funny Voicemail Message 2
A is for A, B is for Beer, C is for C, D is for Drunk. Call me back in 48 hours when I’m R for Recovered!

Funny Voicemail Message 3
A is for apple, B is for beer and that may be why I’m not here. Leave a message.

Funny Voicemail Message 4
Alright listen, I’m on one line with my girlfriend and her best friend on the other. Leave a message and if you promise to not tell either of them that I’m a player, I’ll call you back.

- If the enemy is in range, so are you.

- Incoming fire has the right of way.

- Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire.

- There is always a way.

- The easy way is always mined.

- Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

- Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.

- The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you’re ready for them. b. When you’re not ready for them.

- Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

- If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

Funny Interesting Quote 01
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller

Funny Interesting Quote 02
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen

Funny Interesting Quote 03
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

Funny Interesting Quote 04
I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not want it. -Bill Cosby

Funny Marriage Quote 01
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Funny Marriage Quote 02
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Funny Marriage Quote 03
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Funny Marriage Quote 04
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Funny Marriage Quote 05
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Funny Marriage Quote 06
Marriage still confers one very special privilege only a married person can get divorced.

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of “Anguished English.”

Newspaper Blooper 1
A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

Newspaper Blooper 2
A purple lady’s bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.

Newspaper Blooper 3
Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor’s task force on driving while intoxicated.

Newspaper Blooper 4
He hasn’t even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.

Funny Camping Tip 1
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

Funny Camping Tip 2
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

Funny Camping Tip 3
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

Funny Camping Tip 4
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

Women’s Funny Profound Saying 1
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.

Women’s Funny Profound Saying 2
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Women’s Funny Profound Saying 3
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Women’s Funny Profound Saying 4
I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Women’s Funny Profound Saying 5
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

“I believe Men and Fish can coexist together peacefully.”

“I support Latino owned businesses, women owned businesses, and every other kind of person owned businesses.”

“Big scandal on the new ‘Survivor’ series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team.” –Jay Leno

“The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada’s Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It’s gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her.” –Jay Leno

“General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush’s policies, saying that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism. That’s what I think he said — it was hard to hear him because he was being hustled out of the room to his cell in Guantanamo Bay.” –Jay Leno

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Funny Court Quote:
Q: How old is your son – the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Funny Court Quote:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.