Gambling Jokes

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker tonight” said the friend.

“I’ll be right over” whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious dear?”

“Oh yes, quite serious” said the doctor gravely with his best poker face. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”

A successful businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble in the casinos. He lost the shirt off his back, his losses were so bad he risked bankruptcy on his return home! All he had of value was the return half of his round-trip ticket in his pocket that would run out that same night!

It was very late at night and having no money left he had to call it a weekend, but had no money for the cab fare to the airport from the casino! If he could just get to the airport within the hour he could get himself home that same night to lick his financial wounds, otherwise he’d be stuck in Vegas with no money and no way home in the morning!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table for gamblers.

A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

The blonde says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier gambling when I’m bottomless.”

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice on the craps table while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!”

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the craps dealers. “YES! I WIN! I WIN!”

With that the blonde picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves the casino.

A group of life long friends from the same Chicago street spent a weekend gambling vacation in Las Vegas.

They all agreed if one of them won big they would treat the others to another gambling break next holiday.

One of the men on the gambling trip won $100,000 playing blackjack.

Remembering the agreement to treat the group if one of them won big he didn’t want anyone to know about his blackjack winnings, so decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home, he arrived back at 3 a.m.

Believing he was safe, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and hid the blackjack money in it.

Three male work friends decided to take their wives on a gambling vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The gambling vacation week flew by and they all had a great time in the casinos gambling.

After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their Vegas vacation.

The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back from Vegas, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

Two blonde friends, Jenny and Jane, went together to play the slot machines at the casino.

The blondes agreed that when their allotted gambling money was gone, she would go sit on the beach and wait for the other to finish gambling.

Jane quickly lost all of her money and went to sit on the beach.

The blonde patiently waited and waited and waited and waited on the beach.

After what seemed an eternity, she saw her blonde friend Jenny coming toward her carrying a huge sack of coins!

“Hey, Jane,” said Jenny, “how’d you do?”

“Well, Jenny”, said Jane, “you see me here on the beach, what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though.”

Bob had been gambling in the casinos of Las Vegas all weekend and was down on his luck, he’d lost over $30,000!

He had gambled away all his money, including his emergency money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men’s room.

By luck the stall happened to be open, so he gambled his last borrowed dime in a slot machine and hit the $500 jackpot!

He took his lucky winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his winnings into ten million dollars before calling it a day.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Bob went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible lucky gambling story.

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the blackjack dealer.

The BJ player said, “When I get bad cards, it’s not the blackjack dealer’s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the blackjack dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?”

The blackjack dealer said, “When you eat out do you tip the waiter?” … “Yes” replied the player.

“Well then, he serves you food at dinner; I’m serving you cards at blackjack, so you should tip me.”

“Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. So I’ll take an eight!”

What NOT to do when gambling in a casino

Casino Joke 01
Don’t ask casino security where the pinball machines are?

Casino Joke 02
Don’t butt into a private high stakes poker tournament game saying “mind if I join in?”

Casino Joke 03
Don’t ask the blackjack dealer if he knows any good card tricks?

Casino Joke 04
Don’t ask the casino cashier for change for the toilets condom machine?

Casino Joke 05
Don’t ask the croupier if you can use your lucky dice?

Casino Joke 06
Don’t ask the dealer about the odds on strip poker?

Casino Joke 07
Don’t ask the guy next to you if he can break a five?

A dumb blonde was in a casino for the first time.

A dumb blonde was in a casino for the very first time.

The spinning ball of the roulette wheel caught her eye so she decides to play at the roulette table.

The dumb blonde not understanding the rules says, “I have no idea what number to play?”

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.

Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 24.

The roulette wheel is spun, and 39 comes up!

The smile drifts from the blonde’s face and she faints from the shock.

A young sexy blonde went to Las Vegas and found herself in a casino.

She had been in the casino for about an hour, and realized she was thirsty.

So the blonde went to the pop machine in the hall.

She put $1.00 in and a Pepsi came out, she put another $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out, she put one last $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out.

A man who worked at the casino saw what the dumb blond was doing and asked her “What are you doing?”

The sexy dumb blonde responded “Duh!! Winning!!!”

If you know another dumb blonde joke or a casino/gambling joke please post it in the comments below.