Irish Jokes

Funny Irish Joke 01
Finnegin: Me wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it.
Sean: What on earth is she doin’ at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home.

Funny Irish Joke 02
First Irish Farmer: “My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.”
Second Irish Farmer: “Did you shoot it in the hole?”
First Irish Farmer: ” No, in the head.”

Funny Irish Joke 03
Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals.
A porter came up with an idea. “Why don’t we leave the last coach off!”

Irish One Liner Joke 01
Q. “I hear Murphy died, ” said Pat. “Was he ill long?”
A. “No,” said Mick. “He died in the best of health.”

Irish One Liner Joke 02
Q. “O’Ryan,” asked the druggist, “did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife Bridget’s appearance?”
A. “It did surely,” replied O’Ryan, “but it keeps fallin’ off!”

Irish One Liner Joke 03
Q. “Well, Mike,” said the doctor. “I can’t quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink.”
A. “Sure, that’s all right, doctor,” said Mike. “I know how you feel. I’ll come back when you’re sober.”

Four Irish priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says “Well, we’ve all worked together for many years, but don’t really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins.”

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first Irish priest says “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system.”

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

“Hooray!” shouted the guide. “Here comes man’s best friend!”

“Yeah,” said the Irishman. “An’ look at the size of the dog that’s bringin’ it!”

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says “What is this – some kind of a joke?”

This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passers-by naturally thought he was dead drunk.

They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin’s most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Irishman.

“That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written.”

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin.

An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job”

Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”

Manager: “We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar.

He sees a lamp at the end of the table.

He walks down to it and rubs it.

Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.”

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.”

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer.

The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill.

The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The Irish man says, “I want two more of these.”

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and all ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall.

The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks.

He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun.

The Englishman inside said… ”Meow’.’

“Just cats,” he thought.

He then prodded the second sack.

The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said… ”Woof’.’

“Just dogs,” he thought.

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the Irish countryside when they came upon an unusual sight – an old gallows.

The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. “You see that, I reckon,” said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. “And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?”

“Riding alone,” coolly replied Paddy.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.

Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, Dad — as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.”