Funny Irish Joke 02
First Irish Farmer: “My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.”
Second Irish Farmer: “Did you shoot it in the hole?”
First Irish Farmer: ” No, in the head.”

Funny Irish Joke 03
Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals.
A porter came up with an idea. “Why don’t we leave the last coach off!”

Funny Irish Joke 04
Me Ma wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine?
Here I hafta give up all hope of a sex life, then once a week ya gotta let people come in and tell you all about theirs!

Funny Irish Joke 05
O’Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

Funny Irish Joke 06
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.
The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.”
“Oh my!” shouted Reilly.
“Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

Funny Irish Joke 07
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
“Quick!” He said.
“Send an ambulance, me wife is about to have a baby!”
“Is this her first baby?” the intern asked.
“No ya idjit, this is her husband, Kevin”!

Funny Irish Joke 08
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight among themselves, is because that way, they’re always assured of having a worthy opponent.

Funny Irish Joke 09
Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.
At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, “Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on.”
“Order, order,” said the Irish judge.
“You seem to forget that I am in the room.”

Racism Discussions

If you find these jokes not to your taste and would like to discuss racism, please go to this Racism Discussion Forum.

Irish One Liner Joke 02
Q. “O’Ryan,” asked the druggist, “did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife Bridget’s appearance?”
A. “It did surely,” replied O’Ryan, “but it keeps fallin’ off!”

Irish One Liner Joke 03
Q. “Well, Mike,” said the doctor. “I can’t quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink.”
A. “Sure, that’s all right, doctor,” said Mike. “I know how you feel. I’ll come back when you’re sober.”

Irish One Liner Joke 04
Q. “Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?” asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
A. “Do we now?” came New York Mayor Al Smith’s reply.

Irish One Liner Joke 05
Q. A severe storm rumbled through Carlow last week and destroyed the entire town:
A. $10 worth of damage was reported.

Irish One Liner Joke 06
Q. An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever I ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
A. “Who told you that?” asked Paddy.

Irish One Liner Joke 07
Q. An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says “I don’t think you can get in here.
A. The IRA man says “Who wants in? You’ve twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!

Irish One Liner Joke 08
Q. Definition of an Irish husband?
A. A man who hasn’t kissed his wife in twenty years, but he’ll kill the man who does.

Irish One Liner Joke 09
Q. Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

Irish One Liner Joke 10
Q. Did you hear that the library at Trinity burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset….some of the books weren’t colored-in yet.

Irish One Liner Joke 11
Q. His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
A. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said Finnegan.

Irish One Liner Joke 12
Q. How can you tell if a Trinity student is heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!

Irish One Liner Joke 13
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Trinity?
A. With a restraining order.

Irish One Liner Joke 14
Q. How do we know that Christ was Irish?
A. Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

Irish One Liner Joke 15
Q. How do you get a IT grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.

Irish One Liner Joke 16
Q. How many Athlone IT students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None – Westmeath looks better in the dark.

Irish One Liner Joke 17
Q. How many Trinity students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One – he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him

Irish One Liner Joke 18
Q. How many UL students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three – One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.

Irish One Liner Joke 19
Q. Irish lass customer: “Could I be trying on that dress in the window?”
A. Shopkeeper: “Well now, I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.”

Irish One Liner Joke 20
Q. Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantle piece?”
A. “No,” said himself, “but I am gettin closer.”

Irish One Liner Joke 21
Q. Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
A. Quinn considers him to be very lucky. His wife makes him walk.

Irish One Liner Joke 22
Q. Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist. A. “There he was. All dressed up and no place to go.”

Irish One Liner Joke 23
Q. Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription “Here lies a politician and an honest man.”
A. “Faith now,” exclaimed Paddy, “I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.”

Irish One Liner Joke 24
Q. Seamus do you understand French?
A. I do if its spoken in Irish.

Irish One Liner Joke 25
Q. Seamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife,” Hurry up or we’ll be late.”
A. “Oh, be quiet,” replied his wife. “Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”

Irish One Liner Joke 26
Q. She followed her husband to the public house. “How can you come here,” she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, “and drink that awful stuff?”
A. “Now!” he cried, “And you always said I was out enjoying meself.”

Irish One Liner Joke 27
Q. Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters?
A. Sean replies, we’ll just keep sending them.

Irish One Liner Joke 28
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from IT’s have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.

Irish One Liner Joke 29
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A Murder Suspect.

Irish One Liner Joke 30
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Carlow campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.

Irish One Liner Joke 31
Q. What does a IT student call a D.C.U student after graduation?
A. Boss.

Irish One Liner Joke 32
Q. What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
A. They both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.

Irish One Liner Joke 33
Q. What’s the first thing a Trinity girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.

Irish One Liner Joke 34
Q. Why are Irish jokes so simple?
A. So the English can understand them.

Irish One Liner Joke 35
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Carlow?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Irish One Liner Joke 36
Q. Why do Trinity graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.

Irish One Liner Joke 37
Q. Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb?
A. One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.

Irish One Liner Joke 38
Q. Why don’t they have Christmas at Trinity?
A. They can’t find a virgin and three wise men.

Racism Discussions

If you find these jokes not to your taste and would like to discuss racism, please go to this Racism Discussion Forum.

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first Irish priest says “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system.”

They all look each other again nervously, but the next Irish priest slowly starts “Well……with me, it’s gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system.”

The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says “This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system.”

They all look at the fourth Irish priest waiting. He doesn’t say anything. Then one of the four speaks up “Come now, we’ve all told our innermost faults. It’s your turn.” He looks at the others and starts hesitantly “Well….. I’m an inveterate gossip, and I can’t wait to get off this train!”

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

“Hooray!” shouted the guide. “Here comes man’s best friend!”

“Yeah,” said the Irishman. “An’ look at the size of the dog that’s bringin’ it!”

Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’

Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!’

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin’ me!’

Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says “What is this – some kind of a joke?”

They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin’s most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Irishman.

“That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written.”

To which Behan replied: “Aye, and it’s straight from me heart, too.”

An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job”

Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”

Manager: “We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”

Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

Manager: “Simple, the American put down on question #5, “I don’t know.”, You put down “Neither do I.”

He sees a lamp at the end of the table.

He walks down to it and rubs it.

Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.”

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.”

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer.

The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill.

The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The Irish man says, “I want two more of these.”

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall.

The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks.

He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun.

The Englishman inside said… ”Meow’.’

“Just cats,” he thought.

He then prodded the second sack.

The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said… ”Woof’.’

“Just dogs,” he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say.

As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said… ”Potatoes!”