Irish Jokes

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk.

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary in Ireland was dying. The Irish nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

Why did God invent whisky?

So the Irish would never rule the world.

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, “I’ll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness’s in 10 minutes.”

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One Irish guy even leaves the bar.

A little while later that Irish guy comes back and asks the American, “Is that bet still on?”

“Sure,” he says.

So the bartender lines 10 pints of Guinness up on the bar the Irish man drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, “Where did you go when you just left?”

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

An Irishman Tim O’Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back.

Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.

Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog’s wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.

There once were two Irish men, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends.

During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would buy and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass on.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?" Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can.

" Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?" "Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.

An Irishman went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the Irishman. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”