Really Funny Jokes

Accountant Joke 1
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: “This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old”. “Where did you get this exact information?” “I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old.”

Accountant Joke 2
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”

After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.

He said, “Adam, I’ve decided to make you a woman. She’ll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you.”

Adam said “Great! How much will she cost me?”

The answer came back, “An arm and a leg.”

“Well,” said Adam “what can I get for a rib?”

A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard.

Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, “Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?”

The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, “I really don’t know, but I strongly suspect its parents.”

Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: “I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal.”

“Well” replied the other farmer “I’m not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you’d give me one?”

“Of course” says the first.

The second farmer continued: “and of you had two cars, you’d give me one of them too?”

“Absolutely”

“So” says the second farmer, “if you had two pigs then you’d give me one of them?”

“Ah, now hang on a minute” says the first, “you know I’ve got two pigs!”

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, “I have a complaint!”

“Yes, ma’am?”

“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”

“What was wrong with it?”

“It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!”

The librarian nodded and said, “Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book.”

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman.

“Hey, aren’t you those three escaped convicts?”, asked the policeman.

Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said “no, I’m Mark, Mark Spencer.”

“The second followed his lead and said “My names is William, W H Smith.”

The third said “My name is Ken… Ken Tuckyfriedchicken!”

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

“Elation,” said she.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “How about the opposite of woe?”

The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

A man walks into the sheriff’s office… “I want to become a deputy!”

“Good, I want to you to catch this man” says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : ‘Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.’

“What’s he wanted for?” asked the hopeful yound man.

“Rustling.”

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!”

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you.”