Accountant Joke 2
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”

Accountant Joke 3
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?” “That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

Accountant Joke 4
A patient was at her doctor’s office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, “I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.” The patient asked, “Oh doctor, what should I do?” The doctor replied, “Marry an accountant.” “Will that make me live longer?” asked the patient. “No,” said the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”

Accountant Joke 5
Why do accountants make good lovers? They re great with figures.

Accountant Joke 6
Why accountants don’t read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

Accountant Joke 7
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?” The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6 2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?” The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it two times.”

Accountant Joke 8
If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say? “Darling, could you tell me about your work.”

Accountant Joke 9
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: “Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary.” When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: “Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”

Accountant Joke 10
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?” The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”

Accountant Joke 11
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work. After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: “Debits in the column toward’t he file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window.”

Accountant Joke 12
Q: What is a Budget? A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.

Accountant Joke 13
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? “What kind of answer did you have in mind?” Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.

Accountant Joke 14
What’s the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

Accountant Joke 15
What’s the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Accountant Joke 16
When does a person decide to become an accountant? When he realises he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Accountant Joke 17
Why did God invent economists? So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

Accountant Joke 18
What’s an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humour.

Accountant Joke 19
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.

Accountant Joke 20
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.

Accountant Joke 21
What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality.

Accountant Joke 22
What’s an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.

Accountant Joke 23
What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? Popular

Accountant Joke 24
What’s the definition of unlikely? A photo-spread in Playboy titled The World’s Top Accountants – Nude! .

Accountant Joke 25
What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing his hotel room? Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

Accountant Joke 26
How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

Accountant Joke 27
What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Accountant Joke 28
What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Accountant Joke 29
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time? It’s 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait – 13 seconds, no wait – 14 seconds, no wait……

Accountant Joke 30
The accountant’s prayer: Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time.

Accountant Joke 31
Conversation between two accountants at a cocktail party: “…….and ninthly…”

Accountant Joke 32
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don t? Depreciation.

Accountant Joke 33
What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth? His desk is level

Accountant Joke 34
How do you know accountants have no imagination? They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.

Accountant Joke 35
There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can t.

Accountant Joke 36
What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost

Accountant Joke 37
How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft? When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No

Accountant Joke 38
When do accountants laugh out loud? When somebody asks for a raise

Accountant Joke 39
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays? They can wear casual clothes to work

Accountant Joke 40
How do you know when an accountant’s on holidays? He doesn’t wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.

Accountant Joke 41
What would Economics be without assumptions? Accounting

Accountant Joke 42
What does CPA stand for? Can’t Produce Anything

Accountant Joke 43
What does FCPA stand for? Finally Caught Pinching the Assets

Accountant Joke 44
Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

Accountant Joke 45
Why did he cross back? So he could charge the client for travel expenses.

Accountant Joke 46
How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb? How many did it take last year?

Accountant Joke 47
How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmm……..I ll just do a few numbers and get back to you

Accountant Joke 48
Laws of Accounting 1. Trial balances don’t 2. Bank reconciliations never do 3. Working Capital does not 4. Return on Investments never will

Accountant Joke 49
Who was the first accountant? Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.

Accountant Joke 50
What’s a shy and retiring accountant? An accountant who is half a million shy and that’s why he’s retiring.

Accountant Joke 51
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?” The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we re looking for.”

Accountant Joke 52
A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant. The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions. “Was he tall or was he short?” The businessman replies, “Both!”

Accountant Joke 53
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, “I m a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We re here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?” The owner replies, “I don’t have an opinion. I m a chartered accountant.”

Accountant Joke 54
The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?”

Accountant Joke 55
Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: “No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn’t be tax deductible, but I like your thinking”.

Accountant Joke 56
Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing: “He’s such a sensitive child. Let’s wait until he’s older before we tell him you re an accountant.”

Accountant Joke 57
The auditors have just left, sir. “Did they check the books?” “Very thoroughly.” “What did they say?” “They want 15% to keep quiet.”

Accountant Joke 58
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. “This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.” The patient is pleased. He asks, “What were their jobs?” “One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.” “I ll take the accountant’s heart,” says the patient. “I want one that hasn’t been used.”

Accountant Joke 59
The managing partner in an accounting firm is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him in to chastise him. “How could you possibly advise the client in the way you did? That was completely unethical. We are always conscious of Ethics in this firm. You do know what Ethics is don’t you?” The young partner is offended. “Of course I know what Ethics is. It’s a county in southern England.”

Accountant Joke 60
An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation. “It was late at night says the pilot, Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings.” “I m sorry,” says the auditor, “but you ll have to bear the cost yourself.” “The cost of what?” asks the pilot. “Of the bearings you lost.”

Accountant Joke 61
An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him. “Hello,” he said. “I m the auditor. I’ve come to count the sheep.”

Accountant Joke 62
Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing concern. Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the top drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years. The entire staff was intrigued but no-one was game to ask him what was in the drawer. Finally the time came for Mr Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation. As soon as Mr Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, “The debit side is the one nearest the window.”

Accountant Joke 63
A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?” The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two.” The second was a social worker. She said, “I don’t know the answer but I m glad we had time to discuss this important question.” The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, “How much is two and two?” The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?” He got the job.

Accountant Joke 64
Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil company. All day long she loved to run up and down the share price list, laughing and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because she couldn’t find an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people would be very angry if she couldn’t produce it. “What’s wrong, little oil company?” said a gruff voice nearby. She looked around and there was a funny little creature with spectacles, a bald patch and shaving cuts. “I can’t find a dividend,” she said and started crying again. “Don’t worry,” said the creature. “I can find you one.” “How?” said the oil company, “And who are you?” “I m an accountant,” he said. “As for how I do it, never you mind about that. But there’s one condition. If I do find it for you, you must agree to let me stay with you.” “Yes, yes!” she said, anxious only to get the dividend. The accountant disap peared into some books nearby and stayed there for a while. She could hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring accounts. Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers. “I’ve found you a dividend,” he said. Her usual cheerfulness returned in an instant and she rushed off to tell her father, the Chairman. She forgot all about the accountant until he followed her in and reminded her of her promise; despite all her tears, her father insisted that she keep her word and that night the little accountant slept on the floor beside her bed. The next morning she opened her eyes and to her amazement she saw the accountant was exactly the same as he had been before. “I know what you re thinking,” smiled the accountant. “You re quite right. Before I was changed into an accountant I was a handsome young man with a devil-may-care attitude and considerable joie de vivre.” “Then change back!” said’t he oil company, clapping her hands. “Are you crazy?” said the accountant. “Handsome young men are two a penny but clever, ugly little accountants are worth their weight in gold.”

Accountant Joke 65
There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. “Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an accountant make it this far and we re not really sure what to do with you.” “No problem, just let me in.” said the accountant. “Well, I d like to, but I have higher orders. What we re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in .” “Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Heaven” “Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was ti me to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven.” So the accountant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. “So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.” The accountant paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.” So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. “I don’t understand,” stammered the accountant, “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.” The Devil looked at her and smiled. “That

Accountant Joke 66
A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, “Tell you what, I ll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock.” The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can’t see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, “OK. You re on.” “Nine hundred and thirty two,” says the man. The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. “I don’t know how you did it but that’s exactly right. A bet’s a bet. Take any sheep.” The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, “Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation.” The man thinks, “How would he know, he’s never met me before” and says “Righto. You re on”. The farmer says, “You re an auditor with a Big Four firm.” The man whistles . “How the heck did you know that?” “Well,” says the farmer, “put my dog down and I ll tell you.”

Accountant Joke 67
An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.” “Why does that parrot cost so much?” asks the accountant. “Well,” replies the owner, “it knows how to do complex audits.” “How much does the middle parrot cost?” asks the accountant. “That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts”. The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?” To which the owner replies “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”

Accountant Joke 68
Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears. “You know the deal,” says the genie. “Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each.” “Great,” says the audit partner. “Take me to the Whitsunday Islands, give me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for ever.” Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone. “Now me,” says the tax partner. “Take me to the Cook Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever.” Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone. The genie turns to the senior partner. “And what do you want?” “I want those two back in the office straight after lunch.”

Accountant Joke 69
An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn’t prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss. After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On a n impulse the auditor went up to him and said, “Look, I’ve left the company, I m not interested in taking it any further and I won’t shop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?” And the bloke said “Tarpaulins.”

Accountant Joke 70
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. “I need someone with an accounting degree,” says the man, “but mainly I m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.” “How do you mean?” says the accountant. “I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters.” “OK,” says the accountant. “How much are you offering?” “You can start on seventy-five thousand,” says the owner. “Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?” “That,” says the man, “is your first worry.”

Accountant Joke 71
The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for. “Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” “Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometres, say a Mercedes convertible.” The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. “Wow. Are you kidding?” “Yeah. But you started it.”

Accountant Joke 72
A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to “The Unknown Soldier”. At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: “Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg”. The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, “As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something.”

Accountant Joke 73
Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb? A: What sort of answer did you have in mind ? A: None-just assume it’s changed.

Accountant Joke 74
What’s an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.

He said, “Adam, I’ve decided to make you a woman. She’ll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you.”

Adam said “Great! How much will she cost me?”

The answer came back, “An arm and a leg.”

“Well,” said Adam “what can I get for a rib?”

Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, “Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?”

The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, “I really don’t know, but I strongly suspect its parents.”

“Well” replied the other farmer “I’m not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you’d give me one?”

“Of course” says the first.

The second farmer continued: “and of you had two cars, you’d give me one of them too?”

“Absolutely”

“So” says the second farmer, “if you had two pigs then you’d give me one of them?”

“Ah, now hang on a minute” says the first, “you know I’ve got two pigs!”

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

“Yes, ma’am?”

“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”

“What was wrong with it?”

“It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!”

The librarian nodded and said, “Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book.”

“Hey, aren’t you those three escaped convicts?”, asked the policeman.

Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said “no, I’m Mark, Mark Spencer.”

“The second followed his lead and said “My names is William, W H Smith.”

The third said “My name is Ken… Ken Tuckyfriedchicken!”

“Sadness,” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

“Elation,” said she.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “How about the opposite of woe?”

The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

“Good, I want to you to catch this man” says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : ‘Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.’

“What’s he wanted for?” asked the hopeful yound man.

“Rustling.”

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.