My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had.Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, “It’s true, Mom.Think of something
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A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.”The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don't think you could keep your head down that long.”
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A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.”The next day it rained.A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.”The next day there was a hailstorm.”This Indian is incredible,” said
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Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything
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The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn''''t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.”No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with.”"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” said the guard. “You didn''''t even want a special last meal!”The inmate thought. “Actually,” he said, “Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.”The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.The inmate started, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to
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A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer
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Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”The
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There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.'' He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.'' Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.'' He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.'' He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.'' He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.'' He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17. The voice says, ''Fuck.''
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.The barman refuses to serve him. “Why not,” asks the golf club.”You’ll be driving later,” replies the bartender.
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Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack’s Last Will and Testament:”To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.”To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.”To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
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A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.And, another wave reared up
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