Some of these are hilarious, a must read.

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.

“BECAUSE”: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom’s other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.”

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.”

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

“EXCUSE ME”: One of Mom’s favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “putout” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM”

FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be like when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

“I SAID SO”: Reason enough, according to Mom.

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad’s stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An “exaggeration” Mom uses to transform her child’s papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See “Kids’ Friends”

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look “cheap.”

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

“MOMMMMMMM!”: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element of Mom’s favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it’s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear “the geeky thing.”

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids’ faces.

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has
yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”

TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all summer.

“THAT WAY”: How kids shouldn’t look at moms if they know what’s good for them. Also applies to how they talk.

TOWELS: See “FLOOR COVERINGS”

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

UTOPIA: See “BUBBLE BATH”

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be “Just like Daddy.”

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

“WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME”: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.

XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also “DRUMS”

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kid’s outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can’t bear to part with.

“YIPPEE!”: What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also “YAHOO!”

ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Parent Joke 1
Murphy said to his daughter, “I want you home by eleven o clock.” She said, “But Father, I m no longer a child!” He said, “I know, that’s why I want you home by eleven.”

Parent Joke 2
With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: “IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.” When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: “MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT OUT OF IT.”

Parent Joke 3
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor queries. “No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her *husband*!”

Parent Joke 4
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

Parent Joke 5
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. “It was enough to make anybody faint,” he said. “My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.”

Parent Joke 6
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: “Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family. But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife. One of the women spoke up immediately. Does she cook???”

Parent Joke 7
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”

Parent Joke 8
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. “Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”

Parent Joke 9
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have Eyes of Blue and A Love Supreme ?” she asked. “Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.” “Is that a record?” she inquired. “I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”

Parent Joke 10
Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions. Son: Father, Can I ask you a question? Father: Ok ask. Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor. Father: !!!??????!!!

Parent Joke 11
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?” Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

Parent Joke 12
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir, you re the father of twins.” “What a coincidence!” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.” The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, “You, sir, are the father of triplets.” “Wow, that’s really an incredible coincidence,” he answered. “I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.” An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. “Don’t tell me another coincidence?” asked the nurse. r\n After finally regaining his composure, he said, “I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.” After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. The nurse asked, “Sir, are you all right?” “Yes” says the man, “I m o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store.”

Parent Joke 13
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother. When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn’t a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid. When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins. He said, “The first one was a girl.” The mother: “What did you name her?!?” Brother: “Denise!” The Mom: “Oh, wow, that’s not bad! What about the second one?” Brother: “The second one was a boy.” The Mom: “Oh, and what did you name him?” Brother: “Denephew.”

Parent Joke 14
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. “Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”

Parent Joke 15
There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn’t stop sucking his thumb, he d get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, “Ah, ha! I know what you’ve been doing!”

Parent Joke 16
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. “The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed. The man sympathized and said: “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.” “You re right,” she said. “I think I ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.” “That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

Parent Joke 17
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.” He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we ll be checking out.” The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we ll be through this ch eck out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.” The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…” The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I m Ellen.”

Parent Joke 18
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. “Everyone knows,” the mother lectured him, “that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.” “Oh really?” said the lifeguard, “from the diving board!?!?”

Parent Joke 19
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I ll bet you re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father. “Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”

Parent Joke 20
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.” The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

Parent Joke 21
A small boy is sent to bed by his father… [Five minutes later] “Da-ad…” “What?” “I m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.” [Five minutes later] “Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?” “I m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??” “I told you NO! If you ask again I ll have to spank you!!” [Five minutes later] “Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…” “WHAT??!!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

Parent Joke 22
Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don’t know son, I m still paying for it.

Parent Joke 23
What do young ghosts call their parents? Deady and Mummy.

Parent Joke 24
When is a parent like a child? When he’s a miner.

Parent Joke 25
What’s another name for an parent? Someone Who’s stopped growing except around the waist.

Parent Joke 26
Why are parents boring? Because they re groan-ups.

Parent Joke 27
What didn’t Adam and Eve have that everyone else has? Parents.

Parent Joke 28
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!

Parent Joke 29
When Ben hit his thumb with a hammer he let out a few choice words. Shocked by her son’s outburst, his mother said, “Don’t you dare use that kind of language in here.” “William Shakespeare did,” replied Ben. “Well, you d better stop going around with him,” said Mom.

Parent Joke 30
NEWS ITEM. Kidnappers grabbed a little boy and two days later sent him home with a ransom note. His parents immediately sent the kid back with the money.

Parent Joke 31
Tad looked up from the book on ancient history he was reading and asked his father, “Pop, What’s a millennium?” “Well,” he muttered, “I think it’s something like a centennial, only it has more legs!”

Parent Joke 32
Son: Where are the Himalayas? Father: If you d put things away, you d know where to find them.

Parent Joke 33
Can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse? asked Rupert. “Okay,” replied his father, “but don’t stand too close.”

Parent Joke 34
Father: Don’t you think our son gets his brains from me? Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.

Parent Joke 35
Young Bobby was being fitted for glasses, and his father, standing beside him, said, “Now, remember, son. Don’t wear them when you re not looking at anything.”

Parent Joke 36
Papa, who was Hamlet? “You birdbrain! Bring me the Bible and I ll show you who he was.”

Parent Joke 37
Dad, do you believe in Buddha? “Why, of course, but I think margarine is just as good.”

Parent Joke 38
Dad, why do you write so slow? asked Dennis. “I have to,” replied his father. “I m a slow reader.”

Parent Joke 39
Son: What is an autobiography? Father: Er, the story of an automobile.

Parent Joke 40
Talbot and his son James were called to Mrs. Cren-shaw’s classroom. “Mr. Talbot,” said the teacher, “I asked James Who shot Abraham Lincoln? and he said that he didn’t do it!” “Well, teacher,” said Talbot, “if my kid said he didn’t do it he didn’t do it!” Father and son left the school, and on their way home Talbot turned to the boy and asked, “Tell me, son, did you do it?”

Parent Joke 41
An irate father stormed into the principal’s office. “I demand to know,” he screamed, “why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination.” “Now, don’t get excited,” said the principal. “We ll get your Winslow’s English teacher in here. I m sure she has some explanation.” A few minutes later, the English teacher arrived. “Why did you give Winslow a zero on his English final?” demanded the father. “I had no choice,” said the schoolmarm. “He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.” “That’s no excuse,” shouted the father. “You could have at least given him an A for neatness!”

Parent Joke 42
What are you reading? demanded the father of his seven-year-old. “A story about a cow jumping over the moon,” was the reply. “Throw that book away at once,” he commanded. “How many times have I told you you re too young to read science fiction?”

Parent Joke 43
At dinner, Seth said to his father, “Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it’s all your fault.” “How’s that?” asked the master of the house. “Remember I asked you how much $500,000 was?” “Yeah, I remember.” “Well, a helluva lot ain’t the right answer.”

Parent Joke 44
Down at the office Bostwick boasted to one of his buddies, “My son Arthur is smarter even than Abraham Lincoln. Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn’t say it till he was fifty!”

Parent Joke 45
Honey, said Mrs. Beldon to her husband, “Lester’s teacher says he ought to have an encyclopedia.” “Encyclopedia, my eye!” exclaimed Beldon. “Let him walk to school like I did.”

Parent Joke 46
Son, you sure do ask a lot of questions, said the father. “I d like to know what would have happened if I d asked as many questions when I was a boy.” “Perhaps,” said the boy, “you d’ve been able to answer some of mine.”

Parent Joke 47
Mrs. Filmore returned home from a business trip and asked her husband, “How did Greg do on his history exam?” “Oh, not so good,” he replied. “But it wasn’t his fault. They asked him about things that happened before he was born!”

Parent Joke 48
Dad, said Rickey, “what is electricity?” “Uh,” replied his father, “I don’t really know too much about electricity.” A few minutes later the boy said, “How does gas make the engine go?” “Son, I m afraid I don’t know much about motors.” “Dad,” said the boy, “what is anthropology?” “Anthropology?” The father frowned. “I really don’t know.” “Gee, Dad, I guess I m making a nuisance of myself.” “Not at all, son. If you don’t ask questions, you ll never learn anything.”

Parent Joke 49
Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at the dinner table when the boy suddenly blurted out, “Gee, you re dumb, Mom. You don’t know anything.” “Now, son,” scolded Bentley, “you musn’t be picky about your mother’s little faults.”

Parent Joke 50
During a flood in a small Ohio town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float along with the water, they noticed a baseball cap float by. Suddenly, the cap turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, it turned again and came back. “Do you see that baseball cap?” said the girl. “First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back.” “Oh, that’s my dad,” replied the boy. “This morning he said that come hell or high water, he was going to cut the grass today.”

Parent Joke 51
Old-fashioned Zachary approached Lureen’s father, intent upon asking him for her hand in marriage. “Sir,” he blurted out, “I have an attachment for your daughter, and ” “See here, young man,” interrupted the parent, “when my daughter needs accessories, I ll buy them myself.”

Parent Joke 52
Mrs. Ellis came home from work one evening to find her three-year-old son lighting up a cigar. She raced into the kitchen where her husband was making dinner. “Hey!” she announced. “This is terrible! I just caught Matthew lighting a cigar!” “You put a stop to that right now,” he shouted. “That kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches!”

Parent Joke 53
Did you hear about the little boy who was named after his father ? They called him Dad !

Parent Joke 54
Dad: Why is your January report card so bad ? Son: Well, you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas !

Parent Joke 55
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father’s annoyance. Teddy, he called, how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being. There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. That’s better, said his father. Now will you always come down stairs like that?

Parent Joke 56
Come here, you greedy wretch. I ll teach you to eat all your sister’s birthday chocs. It’s all right Dad, I know how !

Parent Joke 57
Boy: Dad, Dad, come out. My sister’s fighting this ten foot gargoyle with three heads. Dad: No, I m not coming out. She’s going to have to learn to look after herself.

Parent Joke 58
Father: I want to take my girl our of this terrible math class. Teacher: But she’s top of the class. Father: That’s why I think it must be a terrible class.

Parent Joke 59
What do you call a small parent? A minimum !

Parent Joke 60
Girl: Mom, mom a monster’s just bitten my foot off. Mom: Well, keep out of the kitchen, I’ve just washed the floor.

Parent Joke 61
Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m.. Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.

Parent Joke 62
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

Parent Joke 63
Father: ” I know the answer to your bad grades. You re spending too much time watching television.” Son: ” I m sorry, you ll have to phrase that in the form of a question.”

Parent Joke 64
A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to look for things they couldn’t find. Most of the time these items were directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one of her sons remarked: “It’s not my fault, Mom. I don’t have parental vision:”

Children Joke 1
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: “What does the cow say?” Child: “Moo!” Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?” Child: “Meow.” Mother: “Oh, you re so smart! What does the frog say?” And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, “Bud.”

Children Joke 2
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. “Davy, what noise does a cow make?” “It goes moo.” “Alice, what noise does a cat make?” “It goes meow.” “Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?” “It goes baaa.” “Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?” “Errr.., it goes.. click!”

Children Joke 3
Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? Because their daddies were mummies.

Children Joke 4
A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride’s side and the groom’s side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said, “I was being the ring bear.”

Children Joke 5
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,”I m Janey Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,”Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied, “I thought I was, but Mommy says I m not.”

Children Joke 6
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between pages. “Mommy, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered: “It’s Adam’s clothes!!!!!”

Children Joke 7
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke to the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald s. May I take your order?”

Children Joke 8
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord’s prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail, Amen.”

Children Joke 9
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?” As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?” She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.”

Children Joke 10
On a special teacher’s day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, “I bet I know what it is – flowers!” “That’s right!” said the boy, “but how did you know?” “Just a wild guess,” she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is – a box of candy!” “That’s right! But how did you know?” asked the girl. “Just a lucky guess,” said the teacher. The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied. The teacher then said, “I give up, what is it?” The boy replied, “A puppy!”

Children Joke 11
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?” The boy replies, “Now we run!”

Children Joke 12
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. “First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse”, she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. “O.K., now take off my skirt”, and he takes off her skirt. “Now take off my bra”, which he does. “And now, Johnny, please take off my panties”. Johnny finishes removing these too. His mother then says, “Johnny, please don’t wear any of my clothes to school anymore!”

Children Joke 13
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating. “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked. “That’s a daddy long legs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is a mommy long legs?” the little girl asked. “No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy long legs.” The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. “Well, we re not having any of THAT in our garden.”

Children Joke 14
Tyler was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Tyler raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Tyler to be quick. Five minutes later Tyler returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. “I can’t find it,” he admitted. The teacher sat Tyler down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Tyler looked at the diagram, said “yes” and goes on his way. Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, “I can’t find it.” Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a while, to help him find the bathroom. So, Tommy and Tyler go together and five minutes later they both return r\nand sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, “Well, did you find it?” Tommy is quick with his reply, “Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”

Children Joke 15
Mrs Smith, the biology teacher, was very fond of fish. She was also rather deaf, which was great for the children in her class. “What Mrs Smith needs,” said one of her colleagues, “is a herring-aid.”

Children Joke 16
Why was the lightning bug unhappy? Because her children were not very bright.

Children Joke 17
Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps? Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.

Children Joke 18
What were you before you came to school, boys and girls? asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say “babies.” She was disappointed when all the children cried out, “Happy!”

Children Joke 19
Boy: Grandma, do you know how to croak. Grandma: No, I don’t think so. Why? Boy: Because Daddy says he ll be a rich man when you do.

Children Joke 20
Mother: Did you get a good place in the geography test? Fred: Yes, Mum, I sat next to the cleverest kid in the class.

Children Joke 21
Fred: Where does the new kid come from? Harry: Alaska. Fred: Don’t bother – I ll ask her myself.

Children Joke 22
A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York. At last one man could stand it no longer. “Hey kid,” he shouted. “Why don’t you go outside and play?”

Children Joke 23
I had a funny dream last night, Mom. Did you? I dreamed I was awake, but when I woke up I found I was asleep.

Children Joke 24
Young Vestal was walking in his Florida backyard when an alligator bit him. “Mama!” yelled the boy. “A gator jus bit off mah foot!” “Which one?” called his mother from inside the cabin. “How the hell should Ah know?!” he shrieked. “They all look alike to me!”

Children Joke 25
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “How did that happen?, ” gasped her mother. “It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him!”

Children Joke 26
A little kid is sitting on a park bench eating abag of chocolates an old man walking by stops to say that if he continues to eat like that he won`t live very long; indignantly the kid says ” oh yeah my grandfather lived to be 104 years old” the old man replies “i m sure he did kid.but it wasn`t from eating all that chocolate “oh no sir” says the kid, it was by minding his own business !

Children Joke 27
Did you hear about the boy who wanted to run away to the circus ? He ended up in a flea circus !

Children Joke 28
What’s the matter son? The boy next door said I look just like you? What did you say? Nothing he’s bigger than me !

Children Joke 29
A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. What’s wrong ? asked his mother. Do people really come from dust, like they said in church ? he sobbed. In a way they do, said his mother. And when they die do the turn back to dust ? . Yes, they do. The little boy began to cry again. Well, under my bed there

Children Joke 30
A man out for a walk came across a little boy pulling his cat’s tail. Hey you! he shouted, don’t pull the cat’s tail ! I m not pulling ! replied the little boy.

Children Joke 31
Did you hear about the two little boys who found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake ? Quick, said one, run ! Before they say we did it !

Children Joke 32
A little boy went into a baker’s How much are those cakes ? he asked Two for 25 cents, said the baker How much does one cost ? asked the boy 13 cents, said the baker Then I

Children Joke 33
Did you hear about the boy who was known as Fog ? He was dense and wet !

Children Joke 34
You boy ! called a policeman. Can you help ? We re looking for a man with a huge red nose called Cotters…… Really ? said the boy. What re his ears called ?

Children Joke 35
As two boys were passing the rectory, the minister leaned over the wall and showed them a ball. “Is this yours” he asked “Did it do any damage” asked one of the boys “No” replied the minister “Then it’s mine !”

Children Joke 36
Two boys camping out in a backyard wanted to know the time, so they began singing at the top of their voices. Eventually one of the neighbours threw open his window and shouted down at them “Hey, less noise!, don’t you know it’s three o clock in the morning!”

Children Joke 37
Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger. Will said, Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father’s the one who dug the hole for it. Bill wasn’t impressed, Well, that’s nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My father’s the one who killed it !

Children Joke 38
Young Jimmy was having a snack after school with his Gran. Would you like another cookie ? she asked. Yes, please, replied Jimmy. What good manners you have, said his Gran. I do like to hear young people say please and thank you

Children Joke 39
Mum: Haven’t you finished filling the salt shaker yet ? Son: Not yet. It’s really hard to get the salt through all those little holes !

Children Joke 40
Why are you crying, Ted ? asked his mum. Because my new sneakers hurt. That’s because you have put them on the wrong feet. But they are the only feet I have.

Children Joke 41
Ben’s dad was building a pine bookshelf and Ben was watching and occasionally helping. What are the holes for ? Ben asked. They re knot holes, said his dad. What are they, then, if they re not holes ? asked Ben.

Children Joke 42
Dick and Jane were arguing furiously over the breakfast table. Oh you re so stupid! shouted Dick. Dick! said their father, that’s quite enough of that! Now say you re sorry. OK,

Children Joke 43
Mum: How can you practice your trumpet and listen to the radio at the same time ? Son: Easy. I have two ears!

Children Joke 44
William, I’ve been told that you have been fighting with the boys next door, said mum. yes, but they re twins, so I wanted some way to tell the apart.

Children Joke 45
Eddie’s father called up to him, Eddie, if you don’t stop playing that trumpet I think I ll go crazy! Eddy replied, I think you are already, I stopped playing half an hour ago.

Children Joke 46
George knocked on the door of his friend’s house. When his friend’s mother answered he asked, can Albert come out to play? No, said the mother, it’s too cold. Well, then, said George,

Children Joke 47
Mum, yelled Johnny from the kitchen, you know that dish you were always worried that I would break ? Yes dear, what about it ? Well your worries are over.

Children Joke 48
A certain little boy had been spanked by his father one morning. When his dad came in from the office that evening, the boy called out sulkily, Mum ! your husband’s just come home.

Children Joke 49
John kept pestering his parents to buy a video, but they said they couldn’t afford one. So one day John came home clutching a package containing a brand-new video. Where in the World did you get the money to pay for that ? asked his father suspiciously. It’s OK, Dad, replied John, I’ve traded the TV in for it.

Children Joke 50
Mum, there’s a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk’s Home. Shall I give him Grandma ?

Children Joke 51
Two girls were talking in the corridor. That boy over there is getting on my nerves, said Clarrie. But he’s not even looking at you, replied Clara. That’s What’s getting on my nerves, retorted Clarrie.

Children Joke 52
A little girl was next in line. My name’s Curtain, she said. I hope your first name is not Agnate ? No, it’s velvet !

Children Joke 53
On the first day at school the girls were sizing each other up and boasting, trying to make good impressions on each other. I come from a one-parent family, said one little girl proudly. That’s nothing. Both my parents remarried after they got divorced. I come from a four parent family !

Children Joke 54
Mother: I told you not eat cake before supper. Daughter: But, Mum, it’s part of my homework. If you take an eighth of a cake from a whole cake, how much is left.

Children Joke 55
Mary arrived home from school covered in spots. Whatever’s the matter ? asked her mother. I don’t know, replied Mary, but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.

Children Joke 56
Mother: What do you mean, the school must be haunted ? Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the school spirit.

Children Joke 57
Mum: Jackie, go outside and play with your whistle. Your father can’t read his paper. Jackie: Wow, I m only eight and I can read it

Children Joke 58
Trevor: That’s a cool pair of stockings you have on Jill. One red and one green. Jill: Yes, and I have another pair just like it at home.

Children Joke 59
Mandy was applying for a summer job. How old are you? asked the owner of the store. I m twelve years old, Sir, answered Mandy. And what do you expect to be when you grow up ? Twenty one, Sir.

Children Joke 60
The second grader was in bed with a cold and high temperature. How high is it, Doctor? she wanted to know. One hundred and three, said the doctor. What is the world record?

Children Joke 61
Jennifer: Are you coming to my party ? Sandra: No, I ain t. Jennifer: Now, you know what Miss told us. Not ain t. It’s I am not coming, he is not coming, she is not coming, they are not coming. Sandra: Blimey, ain’t nobody coming ?

Children Joke 62
Grandma: You’ve left all your crusts, Mary. When I was your age I ate every one. Mary: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? Grandma: Yes, I do. Mary: Well, you can have mine.

Children Joke 63
Teacher: “Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” Student: “So we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

Children Joke 64
Why did the nutty kid throw a glass of water out of the window? He wanted to see a waterfall.

Children Joke 65
Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window? He wanted to see a butterfly.

Children Joke 66
The teacher asked Simon to say his name backwards. “No mis” he replied

Children Joke 67
Andy was away from school for 2 days because he had a flu. On the third day when he went back to school, his teacher told him how he felt. I feel with my hands Miss !

Children Joke 68
My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “You mean you can do all that, but you can’t operate my Game Boy?”

Children Joke 69
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, “Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?” Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it’s like on TV, The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”

Children Joke 70
A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” “Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies To this his friend responds, “Strange ambition to have for a career.” “Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”

Children Joke 71
Father: What did you learn in school today ? Son: That three and three are seven. Father: Three and three are six ! Son: I guess I didn’t learn anything today then !

Children Joke 72
Father: You’ve got 4 D’s and a C on your report. Son: “Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject !”

Children Joke 73
Mother: Let me see your report son. Son: Here it is, Mother, but don’t show it to Dad. He’s been helping me !

Children Joke 74
Mum: From now on your going to have free school dinners. Son:But, Mum, I don’t want three school dinners, one is more than enough !

Children Joke 75
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you’ve only drawn the cow ? Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !

Children Joke 76
Son to his father as they watch television: “Dad, tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the way across the room to change the channel.”

Children Joke 77
A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard. “I always knew God would take care of us,” said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home. “I like to hear you say that,” beamed the mother. “Always remember that God is in His heaven watching over us.” “Oh, I wasn’t talking about THAT God,” the five year old interrupted. “I was talking about the COAST God.”

Children Joke 78
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car. “What’s the matter Johnny?” asked his concerned mother. Johnny replied: “that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home…I just want her to stay with you guys.”

Children Joke 79
Little Johnny’s class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, “it was so nice of you to put my daddy’s picture up there.”

Children Joke 80
A schoolteacher was trying to teach her six-year old class students how to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag. The schoolteacher said, O.K. children begin by putting your hand over your little heart and repeat with me, I pledge allegiance to the HOLD IT! HOLD IT! Johnny, why is your hand over your butt cheek instead of your heart? Johnny relied! I can t. Teacher asks, why not? Well you see, when my ant comes over to pick me up and pats my bottom and says, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART!!!!!!

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, “This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.”

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, “When did that happen?”

“1215,” answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, “Darn! Just missed it by a half hour!”

You enter the laboratory and see a science experiment. How will you know which class is it?

If the science experiment is green and wiggles, it’s biology.
If the science experiment stinks, it’s chemistry.
If the science experiment doesn’t work, it’s physics.

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father.

“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ and I said ‘6′”

“But that’s right!”

“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?’”

“What’s the blankety-blank difference?”

“That’s exactly what I said!”

In class when students say to me, “Are you Serious?”

My reply is, “Yes… like the brightest star in the night-time sky, I am Sirius!”

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.

The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?”

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”

The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”

Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”

The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”

The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”

The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”

The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”

The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”

The grandmother was curious.

“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.

The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”