Kids Jokes

One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.

As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given the children for Christmas.

The next Christmas things were a little different, however.

“The children came over in person to thank me for the generous Christmas gifts” the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

“How wonderful!” the friend exclaimed. “What do you think caused the change in behavior?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” the grandmother replied. “This year I didn’t sign the checks.”

Merry Christmas

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport.

After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he’d have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

“How come?,” his nephew asked.

“My plane has been grounded,” Brendan explained.

“Grounded?” the little boy said. “I didn’t know planes had parents.”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I go up in heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Why are manhole covers round?

Because if they were square, you couldn’t play twiddlywinks with them.

How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buck an ear.

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “Im drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: You wanna go ride bikes!!!

Why did the hearing aid saleman give it up for a life of piracy?

Because he only made a good buccaneer.