Lawyer Jokes

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass”.

The man replied, “I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat.”

So the layer said, “Poor guy, come back to my house.”

The guys then said, “But I have a wife and three kids.” The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you.”

The layer said, “You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall.”

Knock Knock
Who’s there?

Yo mama.

Yo mama who?

Yo blonde redneck mama who crossed the road to walk into a bar and screw in a lightbulb – you know your fat, dumb, drunk, crooked-politician lawyer mama, who pleasures 12 inch pianists.

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the

Read in full at Free Booze

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, “What''s in the bags?”

“Sand,” answered Juan.

The guard says, “We'll just see about that get off the bike.”

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

“I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I'm a divorce lawyer.”

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can''t do and a lawyer should do?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Permalink Lawyer vs. Water Fowl

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge’s chambers, demanding that the case to be reopened, the lawyer argued: “I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client’s defense.”Judge: “What new evidence could you have?”Lawyer: “My

Read in full at New Evidence

Tax day — April 15 — was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. “Why so many?” the clerk asked.

“My son is stationed overseas,” she said. “He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base.”

“You shouldn’t have to do this,” the clerk told her. “It’s the base commander’s job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.”

“I know,” said the woman. “I’m the base commander’s mother.”

A man in a bar stood up and shouted, “Lawyers are Bullies!”A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back “I move to STRIKE!”The first guy asked “Are you a lawyer?”The second guy responded “No, I’m a BULLY!”

Read in full at Move to Strike

Lawyers get a lot of unjust criticism. I would remind you that it is not right to condemn a whole profession just because of 350,000 bad apples.

Read in full at Unjust Criticism

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary”?

Yes, said Sam, I saw him plainly take the goods.

The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

Read in full at he Old Witness

A pickpocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.The judge said, “Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100.”The lawyer stood up and said, “Thank you, your honor. My client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd…”

Read in full at A pickpocket in court