Lawyer Jokes

A man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks how much the barrister’s rates are. The lawyer says fifty dollars for three questions.The man asks, “Isn’t that awfully expensive”"Yes,” the lawyer replies, “what’s your third question?”

Read in full at Three Questions

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how's it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm —Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.He calls up and says, “Is Mr. Schwartz in?”The man says, “No, he’s out playing golf.”Morris says, “All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz.”"He’s not with the firm

Read in full at Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, “I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

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Read in full at Some More Funny News Headlines

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always, Agnes

December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand.

The lawyer asked, “When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?”

“Yes, sir, they were.”

“Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”

“Yes, sir, she did.”

“And,” looking at Judi, “what was it she said?”

“She said, ‘What disco am I at?’”

Two drug dealers were brought before a judge on drug charges.

The judge said, “If, over the weekend, you persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you off.”

On Monday they returned to the court. The first man announced, “I convinced ten people to give up drugs.”

“Well done,” said the Judge. “And how did you do that?”

“I drew two circles, one big and one small. I told them that the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the smaller circle was their brains after drugs.”

“So what?” scoffed the second man. “I made 100 people stop using drugs.”

“A hundred?” exclaimed the Judge. “How?”

One day, an old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She said $165,000.

Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money. The old lady said she made bets. The president, quite surprised, asked: “Which kind of bets?” The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Funny Court Quote:
Q: How old is your son – the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Funny Court Quote:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he’ll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, “I’m still working on it.”

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he’s working on it.