Lawyer Jokes

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Defense Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Defense Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Defense Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Defense Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it’s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

A case of quality not quantity with these free funny lawyer jokes, these are all to small to be put into their own topic.

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A man walks into a bar and he’s really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, “All lawyers are assholes.”
A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

He replies, “No, I’m an asshole.”

Rating 4/5
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Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?”

“Phew, that one’s easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.”

“Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”

Then thief went second: “How many died on the Titanic?”

The thief replied, “That’s a tough question, but luckily I just saw the movie. The answer is 1283 people.” And so he passed through.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver’s side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.