British National Party Joke 1
A former BNP security officer has been fined for naming 12,000 members on the Internet.
Like many of you, I’m also shitting myself that my names popped up

British National Party Joke 2
A member of the BNP was rushed to an NHS hospital following a near fatal car accident.
“I don’t want any chinks, coons or pakis treating me”, he insisted.
Suffice to say, the daft cunt died.

British National Party Joke 3
After a leaked document was published online, BNP members have been targeted by threats.
Well, I’m in the BNP and I think the fucking threats should be sent back to Threatland.

British National Party Joke 4
After a successful advertising campaign at the French Open tennis, Nick Griffin has turned his attention to the Queens Club.

British National Party Joke 5
Anyone else find it funny that a group calling itself “Unite Against Fascism” wants to ban the BNP because they don’t agree with their views?

British National Party Joke 6
Apparently the 2 people that posted the list of the BNP have been caught . good old cops they may not have really done fuck all to stop knife crime in London but that’s just because there black and cops don’t normally hire or care for blacks . violent ,psychopathic right wing nuts on the other hand

British National Party Joke 7
Apparently, Osama Bin Laden has called off the latest strikes on Manchester….
He knows that any attacks on the dole queues will kill too many of his own.

British National Party Joke 8
BNP Leader Nick Griffin recently attended the Queen’s garden party.
Things were going fine until she asked him if he liked macaroons.
The required response was not, “They should all fuck off home.”

British National Party Joke 9
BNP leader Nick Griffin recently dismissed the Jewish holocaust as a myth.
In response, Chief Rabbi Jonathan Sacks dismissed Griffin as a fantastical creature with the body of a lion and the head of an eagle.

British National Party Joke 10
BNP members are being ‘targeted by threats’, they claim its all black mail.

British National Party Joke 11
BNP Party Leader Nick Griffin is being sued by Cillit Bang for imitating their slogan “Bang! And The Dirt Is Gone” for his election campaign.

British National Party Joke 12
BNP: Putting ‘riot’ back into patriotism.

British National Party Joke 13
Did anyone else vote BNP today just so they could mark it with a swastika instead of a cross?
Or for that matter vote the Christian Party and mark it with a crucifix?

British National Party Joke 14
Does anyone else think that Nick Griffin had trouble with a “colour-by-numbers” book as a child?

British National Party Joke 15
‘Eight Neo-Nazis arrested in Israel.’
What next, BNP relocate to Bradford?

British National Party Joke 16
FROM THE BBC WEBSITE:
The UK’s equalities watchdog has begun legal action against the British National Party over concerns about ethnic restrictions on its membership.
I wonder just how many Blacks, Arabs, Pakis and Muslims are disappointed that their application to join the BNP was rejected?

British National Party Joke 17
Has anybody else noticed that only white people attend Anti Fascist rallies?
Seems to me that black people just don’t give a shit.

British National Party Joke 18
Hello there, I am a black, ginger, homosexual, Jewish shemale of Pakistani origin, I was just wondering if you could tell me where the local BNP recruitment center is?

British National Party Joke 19
HIV is a friendly disease.
After all, it kills blacks, gays and drug users.
What’s the problem?

British National Party Joke 20
I am absolutely appalled by the BNP’s policy of not letting black people into the party.
Expecting women to do all the cleaning is just sexist.

British National Party Joke 21
I couldn’t help thinking why don’t the BNP merge with the UK independence party.
Then I remembered, they can’t stand anything slightly different.

British National Party Joke 22
I couldn’t make my mind up so just voted for whichever was first on the ballot paper.
Someone really should start a party beginning with ‘A’.

British National Party Joke 23
I didn’t vote for the BNP due to the sheer audacity of a racist party to field a leader who didn’t even have blonde hair and blue eyes.

British National Party Joke 24
I don’t blame Yorkshire for electing a BNP member. If someone was going to PAY me to leave the country I’d vote for them too.

British National Party Joke 25
I just heard a conversation on the bus about Nick Griffin.
A griffin, isn’t that half lion, and half eagle?
The leader of the BNP has a mixed race surname, what is this country coming to?

British National Party Joke 26
I see BNP leader Nick Griffin got pelted with eggs today.
They should have thrown black pudding.

British National Party Joke 27
I see the BNP had a party to celebrate their recent election success in of all places Blackpool.
I would have thought Whitehaven was more their kind of place.

British National Party Joke 28
I think they should make Big Brother more entertaining and put a celeb in the house. Nick Griffin would certainly make it more entertaining.

British National Party Joke 29
I voted up a BNP joke the other day …
He’s now an MEP.

British National Party Joke 30
I was going to join the BNP, until I found out it didn’t stand for British National Party. Then I thought, ‘Fuck it’ Ban Niggers and Pakis is near enough.

British National Party Joke 31
I was going to vote BNP in this year’s European elections.
But then I remembered that I didn’t like Polls.

British National Party Joke 32
I was looking forward to my first BNP meeting. Imagine my surprise when, thanks to my dyslexia, I attended a BP meeting by mistake – non of the Black Panthers seemed particularly pleased with any of my banners or my ‘wogs out’ badges. Picky cunts.

British National Party Joke 33
I woke up this morning feeling a bit off colour
So I got up and joined the BNP.

British National Party Joke 34
If the BNP are so worried about foreigners, why do they all go to the Costa Del Sol to try and look like one?

British National Party Joke 35
If there’s something weird. In your neighborhood.
Who you gonna call?
Nick Griffin.

British National Party Joke 36
In some ways, you have admire BNP leader Nick Griffin.
He’s not afraid to call a spade a nigger.

British National Party Joke 37
Is it just me that thinks the egg throwing would have been better if they told Nick Griffin that they came from foreign chickens?

British National Party Joke 38
Isn’t it terrible that the BNP won 2 seats in the European Parliament.
Still, at least they didn’t let any Pakis in.

British National Party Joke 39
It’s just been announced that the British National Party are to go into the call center business:
Press 1 to speak in English
Press 2 to be disconnected until you learn to speak English

British National Party Joke 40
I’ve just been on the phone to Nick Griffin after the egging outside parliament. He was fuming. They didn’t separate the whites first.

British National Party Joke 41
Just saw the new BNP policy on immigration
“Catch it, Kill it, Bin it”

British National Party Joke 42
My girlfriend’s doing a fun run for the BNP – Racist For Life.

British National Party Joke 43
Nick Griffin should at least be happy that he got pelted by British farm eggs

British National Party Joke 44
Radio phone-ins – gotta love-em.
Ist caller “How can you be proud of voting for the BNP? Is this what your grandfather fought for?”
2nd caller “It’s EXACTLY what my grandfather fought for. He settled in Birmingham after the war after his Heinkel was shot down and he was made a POW.”

British National Party Joke 45
Seems odd that, for people who hate foreigners so much, the BNP are awfully proud to be going to Europe.

British National Party Joke 46
So the BNP is against European unification?
Strange – Hitler didn’t seem to think it was a bad idea…

British National Party Joke 47
Susan Boyle must hate Diversity more than Nick Griffin.

British National Party Joke 48
The BBC is facing protests after inviting the British National Party to appear on Question Time.
I bet Nick Griffin’s looking forward to wearing his “KICK RAGHEADS OUT OF BRITAIN” t-shirt.

British National Party Joke 49
The BNP do make a good case for the European election.
The bit where Nick Griffin said, “We’re not racist!” convinced me.

British National Party Joke 50
The BNP have been accused of trying to bribe voters.
If they get in, they’ve promised the whole country an Indian takeaway.

British National Party Joke 51
The BNP representing us in Europe.
A bit like sending a KKK member into a Black power meeting, fucking great.
You just know its wrong but you wanna watch anyway.

British National Party Joke 52
The BNP
More holes in our policies than the average household sieve

British National Party Joke 53
The leader of the British National Party has said he will now not be attending a Buckingham Palace garden party following uproar over his invitation.
Nick Griffin said he had “no wish to embarrass the Queen” at the event which now only leaves Prince Phillip left to chant “Hitler was right” and “Who’s the Paki in the corner”.
Also apparently Mr Griffin was already “double booked” having to attend the annual KKK barbeque and sponsored lynching fund raiser at the Millwall Football Club with this years guest speaker Lenny Henry.

British National Party Joke 54
Tip of the week-
When the BNP post window posters through your letter box, don’t hesitate to put it in your window, when the cunts from the local takeaway’s come posting shite, they’ll think twice about putting one through your letter box.

British National Party Joke 55
To the black people of the UK.
really piss the BNP off by creating your own political party and use the initials BNP.
I suggest keeping the British and Party bits and the N word will have to be something that the rest of the UK can easily identify you with.
I’m sure you’ll think of a word.

British National Party Joke 56
Truthfully, how many of us voted for BNP, just to piss of the colored people?

British National Party Joke 57
Unlike most political parties, the BNP have the courage of their convictions.
Mainly for inciting racial hatred.

British National Party Joke 58
Went on the main BNP website today and realized I never knew how racist they were before. Also never knew they were sponsored by a t-shirt site either.

British National Party Joke 59
What’s the difference between the BNP and the British royal family?
One’s a group of racist Nazi’s that don’t believe in democracy…
The other’s the BNP.

British National Party Joke 60
What’s the similarity between an alleyway in London and an Olympic racing track?
Gunshot and ten blacks running.

British National Party Joke 61
What’s the trouble with BNP football team?
They’re all right wings.

British National Party Joke 62
When rats desert the sinking ship
With Labour all at sea
The great white hope’s not Tory
But fucking BNP.

British National Party Joke 63
Why do all BNP protesters look the same, dirty, smelly bastards who live off taxpayers money.
Fucking students
I’ll have you know that I’m a student and I have to insist on disagreeing with your completely unreasonable and offensive statement. I hope you issue an apology at least. For the record, us students are dirty, smelly bastards who live off our PARENT’S MONEY.
Yeah, and I object to all students being called BNP protesters. I’m a student and a committed racist.

British National Party Joke 64
With the BNP list being produced.
Now is there any list I’m not on?

British National Party Joke 65
You can’t beat the wisdom of old people!
Earlier on I was talking to my grandad about the BNP. I said, “What is it that makes people hate like that?”
He said, “Poofs and blacks”.

Racism Discussions

If you find these jokes not to your taste and would like to discuss racism, please go to this Racism Discussion Forum.

So here goes, Funny Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Jokes or funny political quotes to be precise.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Bill Maher
No, it’s sad about Iran, but what do you expect about a country with a government that’s propped up by oil, that’s led by a religious wacko? Kind of like Alaska.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Bill Maher
The silver lining in this dark cloud is that Twitter found a reason to exist. Don’t you know that this could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter? Because that’s how people are communicating to go of the rallies and so forth, and show the pictures of what’s going on. Authorities, of course, in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the Internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they’re dropped immediately. Or as T-Mobile calls it, normal service.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Bill Maher
The Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khomeini, said this election was not rigged, the results are final, and you can protest all you want, but if you keep doing it, we’re going to start cracking heads. Now if we could only get this guy to call Norm Coleman.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
A lot of turmoil in Iran right now over the recent presidential election. People protesting the election results have been avoiding the government media crackdown by posting messages on Twitter. The tweets declare that Ahmadinejad stole the election and that Jabeer is enjoying a lamb kabob.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
During his speech at Columbia University, President Ahmadinejad said his country ‘doesn’t have problems with gay people because they don’t have homosexuals in Iran.’ Which finally explains why Ahmadinejad gets away with wearing a windbreaker from 1983.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
More unrest in Iran as the government continues to crack down on protesters. And to disperse crowds, Iranian police used tear gas, water cannons and the NBC primetime lineup.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
Obviously, ladies and gentlemen, big, big news is from Iran right now. Incredible, three days of riots, street fighting, people setting fire to everything. I’m not sure who won over there, Ahmadinejad or the Lakers.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
People are suspecting that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s re-election may have been a sham because he’s claiming he won by a 2-1 margin. They’re also suspicious of Ahmadinejad’s claim that he’s dating Megan Fox.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
President Ahmadinejad is claiming that he won, causing a lot of controversy. Some people say that Ahmadinejad cheated a little bit. They’re now that saying weeks before the election President Ahmadinejad distributed 400,000 tons of potatoes to voters in rural areas. Who knew he’d be put over the top by the Iranian-Irish vote?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
Some experts are saying the Iranian election was rigged because in some towns, voter turnout was more than 100%. What’s even stranger, all those extra votes were from elderly Jewish people in Palm Beach, Florida.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
The president of Iran gave a speech in New York City today, and thousands of New Yorkers are really upset about it. The New Yorkers said, ‘If we want to hear a short-tempered Iranian man yell at us, we’ll take a cab.’

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, controversial Iranian President Ahmadinejad insisted that Iran has freedom of the press. He says there are 30 newspapers published there that oppose his government. So, if you’re keeping track, that’s 30 opposition newspapers and 0 gay people.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, Iran’s President Ahmadinejad said that his country doesn’t have problems with gay people because they don’t have homosexuals in Iran. Although Ahmadinejad did admit that sometimes one Iranian will take another Iranian’s penis hostage.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Craig Ferguson
Election returns are kind of hard to believe. According to the numbers, both opposition candidates lost to Ahma-Dinna-Jacket in their hometowns. That’s like Barack Obama losing in the city of Chicago. I’m not, in any way, suggesting Iranian politics are as corrupt as Chicago, but even Blagojevich is like, ‘Oh, they’re good.’

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Craig Ferguson
Iran had its presidential election. President Ahma-Dinna-Jacket was way behind in the polls. And then, lo and behold, he won big, everywhere – in big cities, rural areas, even in Florida.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
Ahmadinejad has declared himself the winner of the election and is planning his inauguration. And I said, ‘Well, why not? The country is really in a party mood. Let’s go. Let’s get those plans in order. Let’s have some fun.’

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
And then, after the elections, the supreme leader in Iran certified the election results and shipped the crooked voting machines back to Florida.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
Because earlier, in the Iranian elections, it was a tie. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the other guy were tied, and now, couple a days later, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wins by a landslide. I don’t know. People are very upset. I mean, they sparked violent protests, calls for investigation, there is national outrage. Uh, wait a minute, that’s me.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
But I hope they get this figured out. I hope it goes away soon, because the last thing we need is unrest in the Middle East.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
But the guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he’s very happy that he won. He was up all night shooting nuclear missiles into the air.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
But the Iranian government is planning a curfew because things are getting so crazy in Iran. And I thought if there is one thing an angry mob respects, by God, it’s a curfew, isn’t it?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
But the supreme leader said that the Iranian elections were not rigged. Well, that’s good enough for me.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
But there were problems with the ballots in the Iranian election. And who would have thought that? There was a mistake. Thousands of Iranians ended up voting for Pat Buchanan.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
But this guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, I mean, he claims victory and he is very unpopular. And the danger politically of this, he could ruin the political career of his brother, Jeb Ahmadinejad.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
Have you been following what’s going on in Iran? Oh, it’s crazy. They had the election. Now it looks like there was some monkey business going on. And now people are demonstrating in the streets. And the government has imposed a curfew, in Iran. I was thinking, whoa, I just hope this doesn’t ruin the swinging Iranian night life.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
Have you folks been following the Iranian elections? Well how about this Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? You know, he won, he has won the election now. And people are angry, and they’re demanding a recount. And as a matter of fact, the last unofficial account actually had Al Franken ahead. They’ve gone crazy.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
Here’s the breakdown of the Iranian election: 63 percent of the vote for Ahmadinejad; Moussavi, he’s got 34 percent of the vote; and 3 percent of the vote goes to Ralph Nader.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
How about that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? What a guy this guy is, huh? According to this guy, he says there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
How many of you folks are following the elections in Iran? Hard not to. It’s compelling. Well, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected and won by a landslide, ladies and gentlemen. And I, you know, I guess the voters couldn’t resist his good looks and charisma.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
The leader of Iran’s opposition party, Mousavi, the guy who apparently lost in the election, says he’s ready to become a martyr. Don’t kid yourselves. It’s tough being a martyr nowadays, really. I mean, with the economy and all the budget cuts. When you die now, because of the economy, you’re only going to be greeted by 35, maybe 40 virgins, tops.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
Well, here’s more big news going on in Iran. You folks been following the Iranian elections? Well, here it is. It’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his opponent, Mir Hussein Moussavi. And they had one of those friendly bets. If Ahmadinejad wins the election, he gets a crate of figs, see. If Moussavi wins the election, he gets brutally slain.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
You folks are here during a great week. It’s ‘Lunatic Dictator Week’ in New York City. … Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here to visit the U.N., and also to recover some stolen sports memorabilia. … Earlier today, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University. Oh my gosh, ladies and gentleman, there hasn’t been this many angry protesting students at a college since Ball State named a building after me

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
You folks are here on a historic night. The entire balcony is filled with gay Iranians. … A couple of days ago, up at Columbia University … Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. By the way, that’s why in Iran, it’s nearly impossible to get your dog groomed.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by David Letterman
You folks following the Iranian elections? Well, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the winner. And lots of protests. And it got to be so crazy that Iran’s supreme leader actually spoke live on television last night. And it preempted Al Jazeera’s most popular show, their number one show over there, which is ‘How I Met Your Camel.’

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
Actually, there was a lot of controversy over letting him speak at Columbia. The dean of the university said that he would even let Hitler speak. Apparently, he didn’t realize he just did.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
Ahmadinejad … is against drugs, he’s against alcohol, against premarital sex, against homosexuality and pornography. What’s he speaking at a college for? Good luck finding any common ground with those kids.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things yesterday. My favorite is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, today, Idaho Senator Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
As you know, women in Iran have to cover up. … Premarital sex is against the law. In fact, a man can’t even touch a woman over there unless you’re married. There’s no R-rated movies. I’m surprised all guys in Iran aren’t gay by now.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
Earlier today, [Ahmadinejad] spoke to students at Columbia University. You know why he chose Columbia? … ‘Cause Notre Dame’s football program sucks this year. … No, it was tricky because he had to have an interpreter that could lie in two languages.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
My favorite part of his speech is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. That’s what he said. Too bad, because they need somebody to choreograph those parades they have every week.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
The Iranian President … is coming to New York, but he’s been denied permission to go to Ground Zero in New York City. He wanted to go to Ground Zero. I got an idea. Is there any way we can bring Ground Zero to him?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahma-nut job, has arrived in the United States. Did you know he was issued a visa to come here? Isn’t that amazing? You need a visa to get into the United States now, when did they start with that? … You know the interesting part? After he landed, he actually drove his own cab in from the airport.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jay Leno
Yesterday at Columbia University, it was ‘Take Your Insane Dictator To Work Day.’ There was a lot of controversy about letting the Iranian president speak here in the United States, much less at a university. I have to admit, I didn’t like it. … I mean, if he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way … you win an Academy Award.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jimmy Fallon
Today, Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khomeini, said there’s no fraud in the election, and the results will stand. That was the word from the supreme leader. I don’t know, I wouldn’t mind a second opinion from the other supreme leaders: Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme, and of course, Diana Ross.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jimmy Fallon
Well, the results from Iran’s presidential elections are in. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared victory. But his opponent, Mir-Hossein Mousavi, is claiming ballot fraud and wants an investigation. If that doesn’t work, he’s planning on making a documentary about global warming.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jimmy Kimmel
Iranian President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad is headed back home tonight after a whirl-wind trip to New York. He said many, many crazy things during his time here, but the one most people seemed focused on, I certainly am, is his contention that there are no homosexuals in Iran. That claim was challenged by an Iranian news reporter [on screen: Ahmadinejad saying he knows no homosexuals after Iranian reporter says she knows several gay Iranians]. Neither did Larry Craig, right?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jimmy Kimmel
Some massive protests continued today in Iran. Hundreds of thousands of people swarmed the streets to protest what they believe was election fraud in the re-election of President Mahmoud A Members Only Jacket.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jimmy Kimmel
The President of Iran is in the United States. President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad addressed the United Nations General Assembly today. … This guy is nuts. He denies the Holocaust happened. He says his country has no homosexuals. He’s looked very hard for them, he’s even placed personal ads. … Hey, maybe if there were homosexuals in Iran, he’d be better dressed

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jon Stewart
Ladies and gentlemen, the face of evil, the Hitler of our generation. Let’s hear his terrifying words [on screen: Ahmadinejad claiming that there are no homosexuals in Iran]. … That’s so interesting there are no homosexuals in Iran because in America, there are no homosexuals in our conservative movement either.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jon Stewart
New York City today abuzz. The big talk? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here speaking at the U.N. and actually touring our fair city. Start spreading the news … ‘Death to America.’ … Even before his arrival, Ahmadinejad caused a stir by saying he wanted to visit Ground Zero, a request many New Yorkers saw as the ultimate insult. Or so they thought, until the diminutive Iranian got off his plane at Kennedy Airport [on screen: Ahmadinejad with a Boston Red Sox hat on]. … The really dickish part about that? He’s a Twins fan.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Joke/Quote by Jon Stewart
With the streets here gridlocked by security, how would Ahmadinejad have the time to make all these commitments? Simple. He gets to drive in the Holocaust Deniers Lane. One thing you can’t deny is the time you’ll save.

“A new season of ‘Survivor’ debuted tonight featuring the controversial idea of separating the tribes by race. The Asian tribe is called Puka Puka, the African-American tribe is called Manihiki, and the Caucasian tribe is called the Republicans.” –Conan O’Brien

“This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, ‘This time, Rumsfeld and I are going to wing it.’.” –Conan O’Brien

President George W Bush approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses.”

The man ignored President George W Bush and stared at the ceiling.

President George W Bush positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses”.

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

President George W Bush tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses”.

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am”.

President George W Bush asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, “The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness”.

One, and that person shall be President Andrew Jackson, hero of the Battle of New Orleans and Friend to the Common Man!

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine replied, “Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn''''t residehere.”

The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton”.

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn''''t reside here.”

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I''''ve told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn''''t reside here. Don''''t you understand?”

The old man answered, “Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”.

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh”, said the man, “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s”, replied St. Peter “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible.” said the man “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where is Clinton’s Clock?” “God is using that as a ceiling fan in his office”

“What about the clocks for the Members of British Parliament?” asked the man.

St Peter replied, “Oh, we’re using them like a wind farm to generate all the electricity up here.”

“The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada’s Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It’s gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her.” –Jay Leno

“General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush’s policies, saying that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism. That’s what I think he said — it was hard to hear him because he was being hustled out of the room to his cell in Guantanamo Bay.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton’s opponent in the U.S. Senate race, the Republican she’s going to be running against, has been married three times, had an affair with his chief of staff, had two kids with her while still married to his second wife. This is the first time in history that a Clinton is the ‘family values’ candidate.” –Jay Leno