Religious Jokes

Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: “Make me one with everything.”

Amish Joke 01
Sign behind an Amish carriage:
“Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats. CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!”

Amish Joke 02
You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.

Amish Joke 03
How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Amish don’t believe in light bulbs. God will provide light unto the world.

Amish Joke 04
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?
A Mechanic.

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. “Where have you been?” God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the Earth. “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,”

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.”Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as

Read in full at The End is Near

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief wedding ceremony in front of the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Wedding Invitations

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how's it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

A little kid asks his father, “Daddy, is God a man or a woman?”

“Both son. God is both.”

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, “Daddy, is God black or white?”

“Both son, both.”

“Daddy, does God love children?”

“Yes son, he loves all children.”

The child returns a few minutes later and says, “Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?”

President George W Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

President George W Bush approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses.”

The man ignored President George W Bush and stared at the ceiling.

President George W Bush positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses”.

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

President George W Bush tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses”.

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am”.

Christmas was finally over and the Pastor’s wife dropped into an easy chair saying, “Boy! Am I ever tried.”

Her husband looked over at her and said, “I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?”

“Dear,” she replied, “I had to listen to all of them.”

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.