Religious Jokes

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

What's black and white, black and brown, and black and black?

A nun roasting on a spit.

There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, “It’s alright! The Lord will save

Read in full at Rescue

- He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.- Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!- His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.- Textbook is confusing … someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.- This class was a religious experience for me … I

Read in full at Collected Comments of College Students

Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!

Pupil: That’s not true! My dad said we are descendants of an Ape!

Teacher: We are not talking about YOUR FAMILY!

Three married men died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter asked each one of them, how many times they have cheated their wives.

First Man: Never!

St. Peter checked his book and gave him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.

Second Man: Aah, about 25-30 times.

St. Peter gave him a Ford Pinto.

Third Man: Maybe, 400-500 times.

St. Peter gave him a bicycle.

A few months later, the three met up . The Pinto driver and the bicycle rider were surprised as they noticed the Rolls-Royce man was very sad.

Second and Third Men: Why the sad face?

Old man: Can you give me an erection?

Faith Healer: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I’m sorry I cannot raise the “dead”.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, “They will in a minute.”

Juan dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the American hell and asks the receptionist.

Juan: “What do you have here?”

Receptionist: “First we will put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then we will lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the punisher will come and whip you for the rest of the day.”

So, hastily he goes to the next hells (UK, Germany, Canada, Singapore, Taiwan, etc.) and he finds that all are more or less the same as the American hell.

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian.”

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, ‘I Shall Not Be Moved.’

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, ‘Jesus Paid It All.’

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was ‘I Love To Tell The Story.’

A preacher is buying a parrot.”Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher.”Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assures him.”Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord’s prayer, and when you pull on the

Read in full at A Preacher Buys a Parrot