Religious Jokes

One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard his son praying: “God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.”

The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.

The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: “God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.”

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”.

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh”, said the man, “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s”, replied St. Peter “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible.” said the man “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

Mother Superior called a young novice into her office one evening. ”Now dear, I want you to give the Father his nightly bath. You are to do as he tells you and be sure to report to me in the morning,” she said. The novice agreed to do as she was told and went to prepare the Father’s bath. Doing as she was told, the novice washed the Father’s hair and back. While she was doing this the Father told the novice that he had the key to heaven. The Father told her that if his key to heaven fit her gate, she would be saved.

The next morning the novice entered Mother Superior’s office.

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s
lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine.”

A Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop are on the same airplane and seated beside each other.

“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?” asked the priest.

The Mormon bishop responds, “Yes that is still one of our beliefs.”

The Catholic priest then asks, “Have you ever had a cup of coffee?”

“Yes,” says the Mormon bishop, “I have to admit on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee.”

The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.

After a while, Mormon bishop speaks up and asks, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “Im drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

Juan dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the American hell and asks the receptionist.

Juan: “What do you have here?”

Receptionist: “First we will put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then we will lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the punisher will come and whip you for the rest of the day.”

So, hastily he goes to the next hells (UK, Germany, Canada, Singapore, Taiwan, etc.) and he finds that all are more or less the same as the American hell.

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

“I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I’ll have a basketball team!” said the Catholic.

“That’s nothing!” said the Baptist. “I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I’ll have a football team!”

“You both should be ashamed of yourselves!” said the Mormon. “I have seventeen wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course!”

A Amish boy and his pa were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again, like by magic.
The lad asked, “What is this, pa?”

The father (having never seen an lift) responded, “I have no idea.”

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he’ll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, “I’m still working on it.”

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he’s working on it.

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits them — with a priest in the truck, he’d have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest.

A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a “BOOM!” The driver looks over at the priest, who says, “Don’t worry — I got him with the door