Funny Sex Joke 2
Did you hear about the gay truckers?
They exchanged loads.

Funny Sex Joke 3
Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.

Funny Sex Joke 4
Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
They went outside to exchange blows

Funny Sex Joke 5
Did you hear about the two gay judges?
They tried each other.

Funny Sex Joke 6
Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
They kept trying each other.

Funny Sex Joke 7
Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for “lesbian”.
It has been changed to “vagitarian”.

Funny Sex Joke 8
Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Funny Sex Joke 9
Did you know 70% of the gay population were born that way?
The other 30% were sucked into it.

Funny Sex Joke 10
Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
Wool!

Funny Sex Joke 11
Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something.

Funny Sex Joke 12
Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
It’s for the Christmas period.

Funny Sex Joke 13
Hear about the new gay sitcom?
“Leave it, it’s Beaver.”

Funny Sex Joke 14
Hey, what’s sticky, white and falls from the sky?
The cumming of the Lord

Funny Sex Joke 15
How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.

Funny Sex Joke 16
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.

Funny Sex Joke 17
How can you tell a head nurse?
She’s the one with the dirty knees!

Funny Sex Joke 18
How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
All the good guys are hung.

Funny Sex Joke 19
How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.

Funny Sex Joke 20
How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

Funny Sex Joke 21
How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse.

Funny Sex Joke 22
How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.

Funny Sex Joke 23
How did the gay break his leg at the golf course?
He fell off the ball washer!

Funny Sex Joke 24
How do men sort out their laundry?
Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Funny Sex Joke 25
How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.

Funny Sex Joke 26
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It’s not hard.

Funny Sex Joke 27
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy

Funny Sex Joke 28
How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Funny Sex Joke 29
How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

Funny Sex Joke 30
How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
He’s smoking a cigarette.

Funny Sex Joke 31
How do you know when your wife is really dead?
Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Funny Sex Joke 32
How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
Give it a nipple.

Funny Sex Joke 33
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her.

Funny Sex Joke 34
How do you say 69 in Chinese?
Twocanchew (two can chew).

Funny Sex Joke 35
How do you teach a blond math?
Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

Funny Sex Joke 36
How do you tell if a chick’s too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Funny Sex Joke 37
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Funny Sex Joke 38
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Funny Sex Joke 39
How is a woman like a road?
Both have manholes.

Funny Sex Joke 40
How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.

Funny Sex Joke 41
How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
None It should be open when she brings it to you

Funny Sex Joke 42
How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

Funny Sex Joke 43
If your mother and father have a baby and its not your sister or your brother, who is it?
It’s you, you fucking idiot!

Funny Sex Joke 44
Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
“Is it in?”

Funny Sex Joke 45
What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!

Funny Sex Joke 46
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
I can’t see a thing with all this shit in here!

Funny Sex Joke 47
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.

Funny Sex Joke 48
What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
Good morning Girls

Funny Sex Joke 49
What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
See you next period.

Funny Sex Joke 50
What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he’s getting ready to fuck has genital warts?
“Hang on, boy! It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!”

Funny Sex Joke 51
What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
I feel like a kid again!

Funny Sex Joke 52
What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
“Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”

Funny Sex Joke 53
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Funny Sex Joke 54
What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.

Funny Sex Joke 55
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.

Funny Sex Joke 56
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

Funny Sex Joke 57
What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Funny Sex Joke 58
What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
Without the hole in the middle they aren’t good for shit.

Funny Sex Joke 59
What do a Turtle and a Pedophile have in common?
They both want to get there before the ‘hair’ does.

Funny Sex Joke 60
What do you call a female clown?
A Clunt

Funny Sex Joke 61
What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
Cunt Stubble.

Funny Sex Joke 62
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.

Funny Sex Joke 63
What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
Bisexual.

Funny Sex Joke 64
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?A: Lickalotopuss.

Funny Sex Joke 65
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

Funny Sex Joke 66
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

Funny Sex Joke 67
What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A tran-sister.

Funny Sex Joke 68
What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A lesbian with a hard-on.

Funny Sex Joke 69
What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A pubic hair.

Funny Sex Joke 70
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
Pimp.

Funny Sex Joke 71
What do you call an anorexic prostitute?
Lite & Easy

Funny Sex Joke 72
What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
Miracle whip.

Funny Sex Joke 73
What do you call two lesbians with their period?
Finger painting.

Funny Sex Joke 74
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.

Funny Sex Joke 75
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Funny Sex Joke 76
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don’t do dick.

Funny Sex Joke 77
What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!

Funny Sex Joke 78
What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm “Jersey”

Funny Sex Joke 79
What does a female snail say during sex?
Faster, faster, faster!

Funny Sex Joke 80
What does a woman’s asshole do when she is having an orgasm?
He is usually home with the kids!

Funny Sex Joke 81
What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A navel.

Funny Sex Joke 82
What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

Funny Sex Joke 83
What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

Funny Sex Joke 84
What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

Funny Sex Joke 85
What’s a necrophilia’s biggest complaint about sex?
They just kinda lay there.

Funny Sex Joke 86
What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
All it takes is one prick and its all over.

Funny Sex Joke 87
What’s female Viagra?
Jewellery

Funny Sex Joke 88
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

Funny Sex Joke 89
Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Funny Sex Joke 90
Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
Their shaky hands!

Funny Sex Joke 91
Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
So men can be open minded.

Funny Sex Joke 92
Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.

Funny Sex Joke 93
Why does the bride always wear white?
Well aren’t all kitchen appliances that colour?

Funny Sex Joke 94
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

Funny Sex Joke 95
Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Funny Sex Joke 96
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

Funny Sex Joke 97
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Funny Sex Joke 98
Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Funny Sex Joke 99
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

Funny Sex Joke 100
You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!

Funny Sex Quote 01
A girl’s legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part. – Redd Foxx (from Comedy Album – Huffin and Puffin)

Funny Sex Quote 02
As a lover, I’m about as impressive as a magician on the radio. – Scott Roeben

Funny Sex Quote 03
Continental people have sex lives; the English have hot-water bottles. – George Mikes (How To Be An Alien, 1946)

Funny Sex Quote 04
Conversation like television set on honeymoon…unnecessary. – Peter Sellers (as Mr Wang in Murder by Death, 1976)

Funny Sex Quote 05
Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. – Steve Martin

Funny Sex Quote 06
Ducking for apples – change one letter and it’s the story of my life. – Dorothy Parker

Funny Sex Quote 07
He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical. – Les Dawson

Funny Sex Quote 08
Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone. – Dave Letterman

Funny Sex Quote 09
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. – Phyllis Diller

Funny Sex Quote 10
I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy. – Steve Martin

Funny Sex Quote 11
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath’. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds. – Joan Rivers

Funny Sex Quote 12
I practice safe sex – I use an airbag. – Garry Shandling

Funny Sex Quote 13
I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie. – Sting

Funny Sex Quote 14
I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though. – Elton John

Funny Sex Quote 15
If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all. – Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Sex Quote 16
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to? – Bette Midler

Funny Sex Quote 17
I’ll come and make love to you at five o’clock. If I’m late, start without me. – Tallulah Bankhead

Funny Sex Quote 18
I’m a terrible lover. I’ve actually given a woman an anti-climax. – Scott Roeben

Funny Sex Quote 19
It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. – Drew Carey

Funny Sex Quote 20
It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. – George Burns

Funny Sex Quote 21
I’ve been in more laps than a napkin. – Mae West

Funny Sex Quote 22
Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying. – Rita Rudner

Funny Sex Quote 23
My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading. – Steve Jobs

Funny Sex Quote 24
Personally I know nothing about sex because I’ve always been married. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Funny Sex Quote 25
Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got. – Sophia Loren

Funny Sex Quote 26
Sex is a two-way treat. – Franklin P Jones

Funny Sex Quote 27
Sex is better than talk…Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. – Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)

Funny Sex Quote 28
Sex is God’s joke on human beings. – Bette Davis

Funny Sex Quote 29
Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range. – Scott Roeben

Funny Sex Quote 30
Sex is like bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand. – Charles Pierce

Funny Sex Quote 31
Sex is more fun than cars but cars refuel quicker than men. – Germaine Greer

Funny Sex Quote 32
Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature. – Marilyn Monroe

Funny Sex Quote 33
Sex is the best high. It’s better than any drug. I want to die making love because it feels so good. – Bai Ling

Funny Sex Quote 34
Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary. – Barry Humphries

Funny Sex Quote 35
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. – John Barrymore

Funny Sex Quote 36
The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. – Rita Rudner

Funny Sex Quote 37
The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty. – Woody Allen (Crimes and Misdemeanors, 1989)

Funny Sex Quote 38
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem? – Phyllis Diller

Funny Sex Quote 39
What’s the most popular pastime in America? Auto eroticism, hands down. – Scott Roeben

Funny Sex Quote 40
When I came here, I couldn’t speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish. – Julio Iglesias

Funny Sex Quote 41
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. – Billy Crystal (City Slickers, 1991)

Funny Sex Quote 42
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. – Billy Crystal

Funny Sex Quote 43
You cannot grow a beard in a moment of passion. – G. K. Chesterton

Funny Sex Quote 44
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! – Drew Carey

Funny Sex Quote 45
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. – Steve Martin

Sex Joke 1
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied: “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: “What are you thinking now?”

He replied: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

Please comment on this sex joke below or if you know a better sex joke please post it.

Sex Joke 2
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”

The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”

“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”

“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”

“Right I’ll give you three choices…
1 You come fishing with me and the dog…
2 You give me a BLOW JOB….
3 or you take it up the ass!”

The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”

“Wife I’ve given you three options..

You’ll HAVE to do one of them!

I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?”

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!”

“Great!” He says and drops his pants.

The wife is on her knees doing the business.

Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shitty!”

“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”

Please comment on this sex joke below or if you know a better sex joke please post it.

Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time.

“Don’t look down.”

“Yes,” she cooed, kissing him lightly, “She told me everything.”

“Good,” said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, “because I’ve forgotten.”

Wedding Invitations

He probes deeply and she shivers; her body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within her eyes and tells her to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes her and she opens wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. She begins to plead and begs him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause her as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, she feels the tissue gives way; pain surges throughout her body and she feels the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at her concerned and asks her if it’s too painful. Her eyes are filled with tears but she shakes her head and nods for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but she is now too numb to feel him within her.

After a few moments, she feels something bursting within her and he pulls it out of her, she lays panting, glad to have it over. He looks at her and smiling warmly, tells her, with a chuckle; that she has been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

She smiles and thanks the dentist. After all, it was her first time to have a tooth pulled.

Joke Site Owner: couldn’t help myself putting this in with the sex jokes, you bunch of pervs

In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?

John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash”.

7 days of sex makes one WEAK;

but no sex in a week makes one SICK;

however, a good sex once a week makes one SEEK.

SPEAKER: Really? How does it feel to have sex with a ghost?

FARMER: Ooops, i thought you said goats!!!

The next morning the novice entered Mother Superior’s office.

”So how did it go last night dear? He didn’t try anything on you, did he?” she asked.

”Oh, Mother, it was wonderful! I did exactly as you told me to and when I was giving him his bath he told me the HE has the KEY TO HEAVEN! I was amazed, and he went on to tell me that if his key fit my gate, I would be saved. And Mother, his key FIT my gate! And it was the most beautiful thing in the world!”

And the Mother said, ”Damn that man! He told me it was Gabriel’s horn and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”