Sport Joke 2
How did the basketball court get wet? The players dribbled all over it!

Sport Joke 3
Why did the chicken get sent off? For persistent fowl play!

Sport Joke 4
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game? It was a cup draw!

Sport Joke 5
Where do football directors go when they are fed up? The bored room!

Sport Joke 6
A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club? “Were the crowd not behind you” asked the reporter “They were right behind me all right”, said the manager, “But I managed to shake them off at the station!”

Sport Joke 7
Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat? To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

Sport Joke 8
Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats? They might be cheetahs!

Sport Joke 9
Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player Fan: Why’s that? Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!

Sport Joke 10
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games? So that they can pack the defence!

Sport Joke 11
Where do old bowling balls end up? In the gutter!

Sport Joke 12
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet? Player: I finished it in three days!

Sport Joke 13
What part of a football pitch smells nicest? The scenter spot!

Sport Joke 14
What’s the chilliest ground in the premiership? Cold Trafford!

Sport Joke 15
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle? Somebody took a corner!

Sport Joke 16
Why didn’t the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!

Sport Joke 17
What did they call Dracula when he won the league? The champire!

Sport Joke 18
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply? Paul gas coin!

Sport Joke 19
Manager: I ll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year’s time? Young player: OK, I ll come back in a year’s time!

Sport Joke 20
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom? Captain: Well, it could have been worse. Manager: How? Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

Sport Joke 21
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game? Sorry, it was a freak hic!

Sport Joke 22
Why are football grounds odd? Because you can sit in the stands but can’t stand in the sits!

Sport Joke 23
What do you get if you drop a piano on a team’s defence? A flat back four!

Sport Joke 24
Why did the goal post get angry? Because the bar was rattled!

Sport Joke 25
What is the bank manager’s favourite type of football? Fiver side!

Sport Joke 26
What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms!

Sport Joke 27
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded? Bring on their subs!

Sport Joke 28
Our team is doing so badly that “Manager of the Month” isn’t an award. It’s an appointment!

Sport Joke 29
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding? They got jellygated!

Sport Joke 30
Which insect didn’t play well in goal? The fumble bee!

Sport Joke 31
What did the bumble bee striker say? Hive scored!

Sport Joke 32
What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!

Sport Joke 33
What are Brazilian fans called? Brazil nuts!

Sport Joke 34
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch? He was the skipper!

Sport Joke 35
How do hens encourage their football teams? They egg them on!

Sport Joke 36
What lights up a football stadium? A football match!

Sport Joke 37
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes!

Sport Joke 38
Why aren’t football stadiums built in outer space? Because there is no atmosphere!

Sport Joke 39
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final? Webley stadium!

Sport Joke 40
When fish play football, who is the captain? The team’s kipper!

Sport Joke 41
Ref: I m sending you off Player: What for? Ref: The rest of the match!

Sport Joke 42
Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market? They tend to go cheep!

Sport Joke 43
What is a goal keepers favourite snack? Beans on post!

Sport Joke 44
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden? Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

Sport Joke 45
What’s tennis players favourite city? Volley wood!

Sport Joke 46
How does a physicist exercise? By pumping ion!

Sport Joke 47
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!

Sport Joke 48
What is a runner’s favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!

Sport Joke 49
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas? Ince pies!

Sport Joke 50
What does a footballer and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!

Sport Joke 51
Which football team loves ice-cream? Aston Vanilla!

Sport Joke 52
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar? All of them, a crossbar can’t jump!

Sport Joke 53
Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches? They prefer cricket matches!

Sport Joke 54
What stories are told by basketball players? Tall stories!

Sport Joke 55
Who won the race between two balls of string? They we re tied!

Sport Joke 56
Why are football players never asked for dinner? Because they re always dribbling!

Sport Joke 57
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear? Because he liked sole music!

Sport Joke 58
What tea do footballers drink? Penaltea!

Sport Joke 59
Where do footballers dance? At a football!

Sport Joke 60
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. “I was the James Bond type of player,” he told his friends. “I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.” “Batted .007,” his wife added.

Sport Joke 61
A true story, according to the LA Times….. Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, “Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?” Wilkins replied, “I don’t know and I don’t care!”

Sport Joke 62
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors favor, the home quarterback blew his top. How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.” The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!” The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, “And how do I smell from here?”

Sport Joke 63
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ________.” Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.” “Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny’s should er again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?” “You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”

Sport Joke 64
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself “what a waste” he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, “Is this seat taken?” The man replied, “This was my wife’s seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan.” The other man replied,”I m so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn’t give the ticket to a friend or a relative?” The man replied, “They re all at the funeral.”

Sport Joke 65
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. “Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.” “I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”

Sport Joke 66
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. “I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” she said. “What do you mean?” he asked. “Well, everyone kept yelling, Get the quarter back! ‘

Sport Joke 67
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. “So, how did you do son?” he asked. “You ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!” “Really? How d you do that?” “I dropped the ball.”

Sport Joke 68
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out “Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup.” Snow White says “Well at least Dopey’s alive!”

Sport Joke 69
Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb? A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

Sport Joke 70
Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today. “I ll do anything for 3 points”, he said when questioned.

Sport Joke 71
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight? A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Sport Joke 72
Tyson’s psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood….good thing he didn’t say two!

Sport Joke 73
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training? A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

Sport Joke 74
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, Who’s driving? A: The police.

Sport Joke 75
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.” The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. “Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus. “Second?!!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!” “No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”

Sport Joke 76
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked. “Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.” “Oh, that’s awful!” “You re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”

Sport Joke 77
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!”, he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!” Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!” Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

Sport Joke 78
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. “Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t? she asked the instructor. “P-u-t-t is correct, he replied. “Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”

Sport Joke 79
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. “Is that so?” the first said. “Did he do a good job?” “Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot,” he said. “The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That,” he added, “was the first time in two years my teeth didn’t hurt.”

Sport Joke 80
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?” “Yes,” the golfer responded. “Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?” “Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked. “Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?” The golfer thought it over carefully and responded… “I think I ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

Sport Joke 81
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I d hit the ball right over that tree.” With that chal lenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”

Sport Joke 82
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!” The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?” “It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!” “Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?” “No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.” “Well, what if you hit it into the woods?” “Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.” “Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?” “No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!” The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?” “I found it.”

Sport Joke 83
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, What’s with that group ahead of us? They re rather slow, aren’t they? George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there

Sport Joke 84
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is. “Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress,” complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around. Joe asked “What’s wrong?” It’s a small, small world Joe, and you re fired”

Sport Joke 85
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, “Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?” “Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!”

Sport Joke 86
How was your golf game, dear? asked Jack’s wife Tracy. “Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad, I couldn’t see where the ball went.” “You re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife. “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?” “But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack. “Yes, but he’s got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you,” Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Did you see where it went?” asked Jack. “Yup,” Scott answered. “Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. “I forgot.”

Sport Joke 87
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!” The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?” “It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!” “Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?” “No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.” “Well, what if you hit it into the woods?” “Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.” “Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?” “No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!” The golfer buys it at once . “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?” “Ummm, I found it.”

Sport Joke 88
Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I m going to go drown myself in that lake.” Caddy: “I doubt you could keep your head down that long.”

Sport Joke 89
Golfer: “I d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.” Caddy: “Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Sport Joke 90
Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before! Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, sir.”

Sport Joke 91
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think my game is improving?” Caddy: “Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”

Sport Joke 92
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!” Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, sir, its a compass!”

Sport Joke 93
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?” Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin any day of the week!”

Sport Joke 94
Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.” Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”

Sport Joke 95
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.” Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”

Sport Joke 96
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?” Caddy: “Eventually.”

Sport Joke 97
What does a basketball player do before he blows out his candles? He makes a swish!

Sport Joke 98
What part of a football pitch smells nicest ? The scenter spot !

Sport Joke 99
What’s the chilliest ground in the premiership ? Cold Trafford !

Sport Joke 100
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle ? Somebody took a corner !

Sport Joke 101
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply ? Paul gas coin !

Sport Joke 102
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas ? Ince pies !

Sport Joke 103
What does a footballer and a magician have in common ? Both do hat tricks !

Sport Joke 104
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear ? Because he liked sole music !

Sport Joke 105
What tea do footballers drink ? Penaltea !

Sport Joke 106
Where do footballers dance ? At a football !

Sport Joke 107
What did the bumble bee striker say ? Hive scored !

Sport Joke 108
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch ? He was the skipper !

Sport Joke 109
What lights up a football stadium ? A football match !

Sport Joke 110
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls ? Cornflakes !

Sport Joke 111
What is a goal keepers favourite snack ? Beans on post !

Sport Joke 112
How do hens encourage their football teams ? They egg them on !

Sport Joke 113
Why didn’t the dog want to play football ? It was a boxer !

Sport Joke 114
Which insect didn’t play well in goal ? The fumble bee !

Sport Joke 115
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ? Webley stadium !

Sport Joke 116
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ? Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !

Sport Joke 117
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games ? So that they can pack the defence !

Sport Joke 118
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game ? It was a cup draw !

Sport Joke 119
Where do football directors go when they are fed up ? The bored room !

Sport Joke 120
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet ? Player: I finished it in three days !

Sport Joke 121
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom ? Captain: Well, it could have been worse. Manager: How ? Captain: There could have been more teams in the league !

Sport Joke 122
Why are football grounds odd ? Because you can sit in the stands but can’t stand in the sits !

Sport Joke 123
Why did the goal post get angry ? Because the bar was rattled !

Sport Joke 124
What is the bank manager’s favourite type of football ? Fiver side !

Sport Joke 125
What part of a football ground is never the same ? The changing rooms !

Sport Joke 126
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded ? Bring on their subs !

Sport Joke 127
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding ? They got jellygated !

Sport Joke 128
Ref:I m sending you off Player: What for ? Ref: The rest of the match !

Sport Joke 129
Why do artists never win when they play football ? They keep drawing !

Sport Joke 130
What is a runner’s favourite subject in school ? Jog-raphy !

Sport Joke 131
What stories are told by basketball players ? Tall stories !

Sport Joke 132
Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Sport Joke 133
Q: What’s the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? A: One’s a glueless kit and the other’s a clueless git!

Sport Joke 134
How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.

Sport Joke 135
Did you hear about the underwater snooker player? He was a pool shark!

Sport Joke 136
Q: What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! “Damn.” A bad skydiver goes, “Damn.” WHACK!

Sport Joke 137
Q: What did the football say to the football player? A: I get a kick out of you.

Sport Joke 138
Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, “Hey look at this great ball!” Tom replied, “What’s so great about it?” Bob said, “Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!” “Wow!”, said Tom, “Where did you get that from?” Bob replied, “I found it.”

Hunting Joke 2
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, “Did you see that?” “No,” the second guy says. “Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,” the first guy says. “Oh,” says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, “Did you see that?” “See what?” the second guy asks. “Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.” “Oh.” A few minutes later the first guy says: “Did you see that?” By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, “Yes, I did!” And the first guy says: “Then why did you step in it?”

Hunting Joke 3
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.” They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?” “I think so,” replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!”

Hunting Joke 4
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, “when did you bag him?” The host said, “that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife.” “What’s he stuffed with,” asked the visiting hunter. “My wife.”

Hunting Joke 5
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”

Hunting Joke 6
Two Canadian hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read “BEAR LEFT” so they went home.

Hunting Joke 7
Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. “Where’s George?” one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone. “He’s about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there cause I figured ain’t nobody bout to steal him.”

Hunting Joke 8
Two guys were out hunting, but they weren’t getting any ducks. “What do you think the problem is?” one man asked his companion. “I dunno,” came the reply, “Maybe we aren’t throwing the dog up high enough.”

Hunting Joke 9
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a hilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, “What are we going to do?” “Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

Hunting Joke 10
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood- curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. “What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?” asked the chief. “Forget the damn lion!” he howled. “Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?”

Hunting Joke 11
Two men were out hunting when one of them saw a rabbit. “Quick,” said the first, “shoot it.” “I can t,” said the second. “My gun isn’t loaded.” “Well,” said the first,” you know that, and I know that, but the rabbit doesn t.”

Hunting Joke 12
Commissioned by a zoo to bring them some baboons, the big game hunter devised a novel scheme to trap them – his only requirements being a sack, a gun, and a particularly vicious and bad tempered dog. Once in the jungle he explained to his assistant, “I ll climb this tree and shake the branches; if there are any baboons up there, they will fall to the ground – and the dogs will bite their tail and immobilise them so that you can pick them up quite safely and put them in the sack.” “But what do I need the gun for?” asked the assisant. “If I should fall out of the tree by mistake, shoot the dog.”

Hunting Joke 13
The big game hunter was showing his friends his hunting trophies. Drawing their attention to a lion skin rug on the floor he said, “I shot this fellow in Africa. Didn’t want to kill such a magnificent beast, of course, but it was either him or me.” “Well,” said a guest, “he certainly makes a much better rug than you would!”

Hunting Joke 14
What’s a big game hunter? Someone Who’s lost his way to the match.

Hunting Joke 15
Two Virginia boys, Sonny and Rick, went out hunting and split up. Sonny heard some rustling in the bushes and, by mistake, shot his friend. After trying to remove the bullet, he carried Rick to a doctor. Two hours later, after the physician had patched up the wounded hunter, Sonny asked, “Please, Doc. How’s my friend?” “Well,” answered the M.D., “he d be a lot better off if you hadn’t taken out his gut!”

Hunting Joke 16
A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in the morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she was pointing her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on.. The guy was telling her, Ma mm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want to take my saddle off of him!

Hunting Joke 17
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked \r \nhis friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?” “I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”

Hunting Joke 18
A group of hunters fully equipped with rifles, ammo and camping supplies, came upon a young boy armed only with a slingshot. “What are you hunting for?” asked an older hunter. “I don’t know. I ain’t seen it yet,” said the boy.

Hunting Joke 19
A big-game hunter came across a dinosaur in the middle of the jungle and stared at it surprise.”You re extinct,” he said. The dinosaur was hard of hearing.”What was that you said?” The hunter shouted at the top of his voice.”You are extinct.” The dinosaur looked a little nonplused. “So would you if you d been dead for six milion years.”

Hunting Joke 20
What is the best way to hunt bear ? With your clothes off.

Hunting Joke 21
Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot. Don’t waste your time, Pat hollered. The rifle is not loaded. I can’t wait, Mike shouted back. The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!

Hunting Joke 22
Dick and Bob were on a hunting trip. At nightfall, Dick complained, We’ve been hunting all day. We’ve shot at five deer – and not hit one! OK. Let’s miss two more and then head back to camp, said Bob.

Hunting Joke 23
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? “Quack! Quack! Quack!”

Hunting Joke 24
Two fathers and two sons went duck hunting. Each shot a duck but they shot only three ducks in all. How come? The hunters were a man, his son and his grandson.

Hunting Joke 25
What is the best way to hunt bear? With your clothes off

Hunting Joke 26
What do you get if you cross a telephone with a hunting dog? A golden receiver!

Hunting Joke 27
What’s the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

Hunting Joke 28
The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don’t get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.” One hunter groaned, “Well, it worked. They re all safe.”

Hunting Joke 29
What’s the easiest way for a Gorilla hunter to make money? Collect unemployment insurance!

Hunting Joke 30
Did you hear about the bear hunter? Well, he was out hunting for bears one day, and soon came across a large, trophy sized bear. He raised his rifle and took careful aim. Just as he was about to pull the trigger, the bear turned and began to speak to him! “Isn’t it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let’s negotiate the matter,” said the bear. Lowering his rifle in shock, the hunter thought a second, and then replied, “I want a fur coat.”

Hunting Joke 31
Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first redneck says to the other, “If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.” After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do. The redneck answers, “Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.”

Hunting Joke 32
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, lets get out and get him.” After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?” The guy in the front says, “Well, I don’t know how about you but I m going to start nibbling grass.”

Hunting Joke 33
What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ? Let us prey.

Hunting Joke 34
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, “Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself.” The reporter said, “Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same.” The old explorer said, “No, not then – just now when I went ROARRRR! ‘

Hunting Joke 35
A couple of hunters from Prague are out hunting, and an emormous bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of the hunters. Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the grizzly. The other hunter runs back to town and organizes a rescue party which heads back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears, etc. Soon they spot two bears on the horizon and everybody starts shooting at the bear that’s closest to them. “No, not that one,” shouts the surviving hunter, “That’s the female.” “The Czech is in the male.”

Fishing Joke 2
If you re fishing on ice, you should never tell a joke on ice. WHY??? The ice will crack up!

Fishing Joke 3
Q:what do you catch when you go ice fishing A:a cold

Fishing Joke 4
Q:what did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall? A:Damn

Fishing Joke 5
It was well known that a certain lake was very poor for fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice that one guy kept coming home with his limit of fish on several occations. He asked the guy: “How is it that you are catching fish out of that lake when no one else can?” The guy replied: “Well I am going back up there tommorow, why don’t you come along?” And, so the warden did. They were in the boat when the fisherman reached over and lit a stick of dynamite and then tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There were fish floating to the surface all over! The game warden freaked out, and said: “You can’t do that! That’s illeagal!” The fisherman reached over and lit another stick and said: “Are you going to fish, or talk?”

Fishing Joke 6
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I m bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten…”

Fishing Joke 7
Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, “I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!” “That bad, huh” “She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more fish than me!”

Fishing Joke 8
A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?” The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.” “Pet fish?!” the warden replied. “Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.” “That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!” The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I ll show you. It really works.” “O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?” “Well, what?” the man respond ed. “When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted. “Call who back?” the man asked. “The FISH” “What fish?” the man asked.

Fishing Joke 9
The fishing season hasn’t opened and a fisherman who doesn’t have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks “Any luck?” “Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday” he boasts. “Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?” asks the stranger. “Nope.” “Well, meet the new game warden.” “Oh,” gulped the fisherman. “Well, do you know who I am?” “Nope”. “Meet the biggest liar in the state.”

Fishing Joke 10
One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they re fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by. Joe then said “Gee Bob, I didn’t know you had it in you!” Bob then replies ” It’s the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years.”

Fishing Joke 11
Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish. The first blonde said “This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back.” The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat. The first blonde asked “What are you doing?” The second blonde replied “Marking the spot.” “Don’t be stupid” the first blonde said. “What if we don’t get the same boat next time?”

Fishing Joke 12
Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms. Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask ” how did you catch those ?” Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing! So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try. They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend “hold my legs now Paddy”. Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. “pull me up, pull me up!!” Paddy asks ” do you have a fish Sean?”………… No replies Sean, “there’s a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!”

Fishing Joke 13
Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait. The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait. After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait…so he got up and walk across the water. After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom. The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, “Should we have told him where the rocks were? ”

Fishing Joke 14
An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn’t had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his favourite flies out of their box Strangly though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forcast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon. The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it. With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon. Confused the angel asked God, “Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson.” God replied “I did. Who do you think he’s going to tell?”

Fishing Joke 15
Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: “double my I.Q” so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting shakespeare. Then the second fisherman said: “triple my I.Q.” and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn’t know existed. The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said “Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!” the fisherman said “yes” so the mermaid turned him into a woman

Fishing Joke 16
A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz..

Fishing Joke 17
A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the game warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell and hot on his heels came the game warden. After about a half mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the game warden finally caught up to him. “Let’s see yer fishin license, boy!” the warden gasped. With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license. “Well, son,” said the Game Warden. “You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!” “Yes sir,” replied the young feller. “But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one…”

Fishing Joke 18
Heard the one about the three blondes that went ice fishing and didn’t catch anything? By the time they cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was time to go home.

Fishing Joke 19
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, “There are no fish down there.” He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.” He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.” He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?” “No, you idiot,” the voice said, “it’s the rink manager.”

Fishing Joke 20
Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Fishing Joke 21
There was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find. When the Coastguard eventually found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around. He went over to the fisherman and said, “You know, it’s illegal to kill a California Condor, I m afraid I m going to have to arrest you.” The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down. “Out of curiosity” the coastguard asked, “What did it taste like?” The fisherman replied, ” Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.”

Fishing Joke 22
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. “That’s what I like to see,” said the priest, “A man helping his fellow man.” As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, “Well, he sure doesn’t know the first thing about shark fishing.”

Fishing Joke 23
Q. Where does a fish keep his money A. In the River Bank!

Fishing Joke 24
Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? asked Jane’s best friend. “Why shouldn’t I?” said Jane. “Well, maybe he is having an affair?” “No way” said Jane “he never returns with any fish…”

Fishing Joke 25
A guy rings his boss and says “I can’t come to work today The boss asks why and the guy says “it’s my eyes.” “What’s wrong with your eyes?” asks the boss. “I just can’t see myself coming to work, so I m going fishing instead…”

Fishing Joke 26
What’’s the biggest fish you ever caught? “That would be the one that measured fourteen inches….” “That’s not so big!” “Between the eyes?”

Fishing Joke 27
Henry’s son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. “Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away.” “Now come on, David,” his mother said, “a big boy like you shouldn’t be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off.” “But that’s just what I did, mommy.”

Fishing Joke 28
I was given the ultimatum 3 weeks ago. She said “it’s me or your fishing.” Gee I miss her.

Fishing Joke 29
I didn”t see you in church last Sunday, Nigel. I hear you were out playing football instead. “That’s not true, vicar. And I’ve got the fish to prove it!”

Fishing Joke 30
I caught a twenty pound salmon last week. “Were there any witnesses?” “There sure were. If there hadn’t been, it would have been forty pounds.”

Fishing Joke 31
Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you. Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won’t make him truthful.

Fishing Joke 32
Q. What is the difference between a fish and a piano? A. You can’t tuna fish.

Fishing Joke 33
How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate before his wife throws him out? I don’t know the answer but I think I m nearly there.

Fishing Joke 34
Q. Where do fish sleep? A. In a river bed

Fishing Joke 35
What do you call a deaf fishing boat captain? Anything you like, he can’t hear you.

Fishing Joke 36
I was glad when one fish got away. There just wasn’t room in the boat for both of us!

Fishing Joke 37
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I ll give you a hundred dollars.” The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred dollars?” The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.” The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”

Fishing Joke 38
Q: What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything. A: Three Men And A Baby

Fishing Joke 39
One man’s hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. “What a terrible weather today, honey.” he said to her. “Yes. And my idiot went fishing!”

Fishing Joke 40
What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much ? A beer-a-cuda !

Fishing Joke 41
Which fish can perform operations ? A Sturgeon !

Fishing Joke 42
What fish goes up the river at 100mph ? A motor pike !

Fishing Joke 43
Where do fish wash ? In a river basin !

Fishing Joke 44
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,”Are there any gators around here?!” “Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!” “Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,”How d you get rid of the gators?” “We didn’t do nothin ,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got em.”

Fishing Joke 45
Many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.” After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Towards and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea.” They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: “We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.” “Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!” “Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away….”

Fishing Joke 46
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, ” Only caught one, eh?”

Fishing Joke 47
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, “That’s the first time I’ve ever seen carp-to-carp walleting.”

Fishing Joke 48
Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune! The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they re driving home they re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?” The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

Fishing Joke 49
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super. At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience. Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”. The other replied, “No, it’s not!”. The first man said, “Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side. To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”

Fishing Joke 50
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float? The father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breath underwater?” Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?” Again, the father repied. “Don’t rightly know son.” Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?” The father replied, “Of course not, you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin .”

Fishing Joke 51
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, “I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War … Could you help me?” “Of course,” the angel said, and when he touched the man’s back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively — “Don’t touch me!” he cried, “I m on a disability pension.”

Fishing Joke 52
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. “You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!” The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?” “Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer. “And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, “You will make money and you ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!” “And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!” he said. “And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!” Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?” The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your day’s sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!” The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what do you think I m doing right now?”

Fishing Joke 53
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by. “What are ye doing?” asked O Bannon. “Fishin ,” said MacAndrews. “Caught anything?” “Ach, nae a bite,” “What are ye usin fer bait?” “Worms” “Let me see it,” said O Bannon. MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out. “Have ye got a bite?” asked O Bannon. “No!” shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, “The worm’s got a salmon by the throat!”

Fishing Joke 54
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.

Fishing Joke 55
A man was fishing in the jungle. After a while another angler came to join him. “Have you had any bites?” asked the second man. “Yes, lots,” replied the first one, “but they were all mosquitoes.”

Fishing Joke 56
Retired colonel, talking of the good old days: Have you ever hunted bear? His grandson’s teacher: No, but I’ve been fishing in shorts.

Fishing Joke 57
An old lady saw a little boy with a fishing-rod over his shoulder and a jar of tadpoles in his hand walking through the park one Sunday. “Little boy,” she called, “don’t you know you shouldn’t go fishing on a Sunday?” “I m not going fishing, ma am,” he called back, “I m going home.”

Fishing Joke 58
The little kid sat on the side of the road with a fishing line down the drain. Feeling sorry for him, and wanting to humor him, a lady gave him 50 cents, and kindly asked “How many have you caught?” “You re the tenth this morning,” was the reply.

Fishing Joke 59
What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing? The cast-a-net.

Fishing Joke 60
Tim once took his small cousin with him while he went fishing: When he returned, he was looking very fed up. “I ll never do that again,” he complained to his Dad. “Did she frighten off the fish?” enquired Dad. “No,” replied Tim. “She sat on the bank and ate all my maggots.”

Fishing Joke 61
What’s the difference between an angler and a dunce? One baits his hooks while the other hates his books.

Fishing Joke 62
Fisherman: What are you fishing for sonny? Boy: I m not fishing, I m drowning worms.

Fishing Joke 63
Q: How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four, one to change the light bulb and three to brag about how big the old one was and about the one that they would have changed, but “It got away”

Fishing Joke 64
How many South Dakotans does it take to go ice fishing? Four. One to cut the hole in the ice, and three to push the boat through.

Fishing Joke 65
Lee: I just swallowed a fish bone! Counselor: Are you choking? Lee: No, I m serious!

Fishing Joke 66
George went fishing, but at the end of the day he had not caught one fish. On the way back to camp, he stopped at a fish store. I want to buy three trout, he said to the owner. But instead of putting them in a bag, throw them to me. Why should I do that? the owner asked. So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish!

Fishing Joke 67
Have you seen the new fishing website? No, it’s not online yet.

Fishing Joke 68
What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student? One baits his hook, the other hates his book.

Fishing Joke 69
What sort of net is useless for catching fish ? A football net !

Fishing Joke 70
What did Noah do while spending time on the ark ? Fished, but he didn’t catch much. He only had two worms !

Fishing Joke 71
Fishing season hasn’t opened and a fisherman who doesn’t have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks: “Any luck?” “Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday,” he boasts. “Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?” asks the stranger. “Nope.” “Well, meet the new game warden.” “Oh,” gulped the fisherman. “Well, do you know who I am?” “Nope.” “Meet the biggest liar in the state!”

Fishing Joke 72
When fish play football, who is the captain ? The team’s kipper !

Fishing Joke 73
How do fish go into business ? The start on a small scale !

Fishing Joke 74
What do you call a fish with no eyes ? Fish !

Fishing Joke 75
Why are fish so smart? They are always in schools!

Fishing Joke 76
Which fish go to heaven when they die ? Angelfish !

Fishing Joke 77
What bit of fish doesn’t make sense ? The piece of cod that passeth all understanding !

Fishing Joke 78
What kind of money do fishermen make ? Net profits !

Fishing Joke 79
What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird’s leg and a hand ? Birdsthigh fish fingers !

Fishing Joke 80
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. The first one says to the other “can you smell fish?”.

Fishing Joke 81
What TV game show do fish like best? Name that tuna!

Fishing Joke 82
What part of a fish weighs the most ? It’s scales !

Fishing Joke 83
What do you call a literary fish? Salmon Rushdie!

Fishing Joke 84
What fish do road-menders use ? Pneumatic krill !

Fishing Joke 85
What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings ? A fish tank !

Fishing Joke 86
Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea ? Jack the kipper !

Fishing Joke 87
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend ? Your plaice or mine !

Fishing Joke 88
Why is a fish easy to weigh ? Because it has its own scales !

Fishing Joke 89
What did the sardine call the submarine ? A can of people !

Fishing Joke 90
Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea ? Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave teh key outside !

Fishing Joke 91
Why do penguins eat fish? Because donuts get soggy before they can catch them.

Fishing Joke 92
Where do fish come from? Finland!

Fishing Joke 93
Which fish dresses the best? The Swordfish – It always looks sharp!

Fishing Joke 94
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout ? Monkfish !

Fishing Joke 95
What kind of fish will help you hear better ? A herring aid !

Fishing Joke 96
What do naked fish play with ? Bare-a-cudas !

Fishing Joke 97
Why are fish cleverer than humans? Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?

Fishing Joke 98
What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd? He called the piano tuna!

Fishing Joke 99
Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear ? Because they have electric eels !

Fishing Joke 100
What was the name of Tom Sawyer’s fish? Huckleberry Fin!

Fishing Joke 101
Why are gold fish orange ? The water makes them rusty !

Fishing Joke 102
What will santa bring your fish this christmas? A scale letrix!

Fishing Joke 103
What was the Tsar of Russia’s favorite fish ? Tsardines !

Fishing Joke 104
What do romantic fish sing to each other? Salmon-chanted evening !

Fishing Joke 105
What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse ? The Codfather !

Fishing Joke 106
What’s a sea serpent’s favourite meal? Fish and ships!

Fishing Joke 107
Why are fish so gullible? They fall for things hook, line and sinker!

Fishing Joke 108
How do you communicate with a fish? You drop it a line!

Fishing Joke 109
What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather ? Skate !

Fishing Joke 110
Where are most fish found ? Between the head and the tail !

Fishing Joke 111
What fish sounds like a telephone? Herring, herring…herring, herring…herring, herring.

Fishing Joke 112
How do you tune a fish? With its scales!

Fishing Joke 113
What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment ? A flat fish !

Fishing Joke 114
What’s the best way to catch a fish? Have someone throw it at you.

Fishing Joke 115
How did the fish’s tail get stuck in the anchor chain? It was just a fluke!

Fishing Joke 116
Why are fish no good at tennis? They don’t like to get too close to the net!

Fishing Joke 117
What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head? Ray!

Fishing Joke 118
How do you post a fish? You send it COD … or first bass mail

Fishing Joke 119
Where do you go to meet the best fish? It doesn’t matter – any old plaice will do.

Fishing Joke 120
What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on? A Perch!

Fishing Joke 121
Why should you use six hooks on your fishing line? eFISHancy!

Fishing Joke 122
What is a knight’s favourite fish? A swordfish!

Fishing Joke 123
What fish is best to have in a boat? A Sailfish.

Fishing Joke 124
How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea? Skates!

Fishing Joke 125
How do the fish get to school ? By octobus !

Fishing Joke 126
What fish make the best sandwich? A peanut butter and jellyfish

Fishing Joke 127
To whom do fish go to borrow money ? The loan shark !

Fishing Joke 128
What fish only swims at night ? A starfish !

Fishing Joke 129
What do dirty fish read? Prawno Magazines!

Fishing Joke 130
Why men like to fishing so much? They finally found something as smart as them to talk to.

Fishing Joke 131
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth…

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

“Oh, I really liked it,” he replied, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Read in full at Making Cents of Football

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And it was good.

Later that day, God said, “Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence.”

With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of silver and blue.

God said, “Let it be called, 'The Dallas Cowboys' – America's team.”

Later that day, God said, “Even Cowboys need a**holes.”

So he made their fans.

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