This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for “Termination without Cause.”

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“…….Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

“…….Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

Rating: 4.3/5
Comment: The fact that this is real and the employee was fired soon after makes this even more funny. I hope he did bring back to the shop.

Funny Computer Joke 1
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

Funny Computer Joke 2
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981

Funny Computer Joke 3
11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbor’s Pentium.

Funny Computer Joke 4
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2 (especially with the old Pentium chip).

Funny Computer Joke 5
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

Funny Computer Joke 6
A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.

Funny Computer Joke 7
A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.

Funny Computer Joke 8
Access denied–nah nah na nah nah!

Funny Computer Joke 9
All computers wait at the same speed.

Funny Computer Joke 10
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Funny Computer Joke 11
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

Funny Computer Joke 12
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Funny Computer Joke 13
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit

Funny Computer Joke 14
Backups? We don’t need no stinking backups.

Funny Computer Joke 15
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! STAAAY…

Funny Computer Joke 16
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Funny Computer Joke 17
Buy a Pentium 686/300, so you can reboot faster.

Funny Computer Joke 18
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Funny Computer Joke 19
C:\ File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Funny Computer Joke 20
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

Funny Computer Joke 21
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

Funny Computer Joke 22
Computer (dfn): A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Funny Computer Joke 23
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Funny Computer Joke 24
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

Funny Computer Joke 25
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones.

Funny Computer Joke 26
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Funny Computer Joke 27
Disk Full – Press F1 to belch.

Funny Computer Joke 28
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

Funny Computer Joke 29
E Pluribus Modem

Funny Computer Joke 30
E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.

Funny Computer Joke 31
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Funny Computer Joke 32
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Funny Computer Joke 33
Excuse me for butting in, but I’m interrupt-driven.

Funny Computer Joke 34
Help! I’ve modemed and I can’t hang up!!

Funny Computer Joke 35
Hit any user to continue.

Funny Computer Joke 36
I hit the CTRL key but I’m still not in control!

Funny Computer Joke 37
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

Funny Computer Joke 38
My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.

Funny Computer Joke 39
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

Funny Computer Joke 40
Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Funny Computer Joke 41
Press to continue …Smash forehead on keyboard to continue… Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue… Just do something!!

Funny Computer Joke 42
Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Funny Computer Joke 43
RAM disk is *notan installation procedure.

Funny Computer Joke 44
Read my chips: No new upgrades!

Funny Computer Joke 45
Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.”

Funny Computer Joke 46
Relax, it’s only ONES and ZEROS!

Funny Computer Joke 47
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

Funny Computer Joke 48
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~”

Funny Computer Joke 49
The name is Baud… James Baud.

Funny Computer Joke 50
Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or file name!”

Funny Computer Joke 51
Will configure ones and zeros for food!

Funny Computer Joke 52
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Funny Computer Joke 53
Windows: Just another pain in the glass.

Telephone Joke 1
After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!

Telephone Joke 2
What do you call an elephant in a phone box? Stuck.

Telephone Joke 3
What do ghosts use to phone home? A terror-phone.

Telephone Joke 4
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I m a telephone. Doctor: Why’s that? I keep getting calls in the night.

Telephone Joke 5
At three o clock one morning a veterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. “I m sorry if I woke you,” said a voice at the other end of the line. “That’s all right,” said the vet, “I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway.”

Telephone Joke 6
Why did the alien phone home on his mobile? Because it was so ET !

Telephone Joke 7
Who was that on the phone, Fred? Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down !

Telephone Joke 8
Why did Dr Frankenstein have his telephone cut off? Because he wanted to win the Nobel prize!

Telephone Joke 9
The new office-boy came into his boss’s office and said, “I think you re wanted on the phone, sir.” “What d you mean, you think?” demanded the boss. “Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said is that you, you old fool?”

Telephone Joke 10
Mother: Why was the phone busy all night? Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.

Telephone Joke 11
The phone in Rigby’s Georgia farmhouse rang one evening. When he answered, the operator said, “This is long distance from Chicago.” “I knowed it’s a long distance from Chicago!” answered the farmer. “How come you called to tell me that?”

Telephone Joke 12
Moody was awakened by the telephone at four A.M. It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy, Crumm, calling long distance from Montgomery. “What’s the matter?” asked Moody. “Are you in trouble?” “No!” said Crumm. “What do you want, then?” “Nothing!” “Then how come you are calling me in the middle of the night?” asked Moody. “Cause!” said the other redneck, “the rates is cheaper!”

Telephone Joke 13
Kelso met Hensley on the street. “Hey!” said Kelso, “how come I never hear from you? Why don’t you call me on the telephone?” “You ain’t got no tellyphone!” said Hensley. “I know,” said Kelso. “But you do!”

Telephone Joke 14
A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it. “Hi honey,” said the woman on the other end. “Hi honey,” replied the man. “I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It’s beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It’s on sale too, a real bargain. It’s down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?” The man thought about it for a sec and said, “You re sure it’s a good deal?” “Oh yes,” replied the woman. “Okay then, I guess you can get it,” replied the man. The woman continued,”Oh, and you know how we’ve been thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he d lower the price from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?” The man thought a little harder and said,”If you re sure it’s a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar.” The woman continued again. “Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we d wait and think about? Well, it

Telephone Joke 15
Harry was madly in love with Betty, but couldn’t pluck up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. Darling! he blurted out, will you marry me? Of course, I will, you silly boy, she replied, who is it speaking?

Telephone Joke 16
How does a skeleton call her friends? On a telebone.

Telephone Joke 17
What asks no question but demands an answer? A doorbell or a ringing telephone.

Telephone Joke 18
What did the man say when he got a big phone bill? “Who said talk is cheap?”

Telephone Joke 19
Why is an engaged girl like a telephone? Because they both have rings.

Telephone Joke 20
If you cross a telephone and a lobster what will you get? Snappy talk.

Telephone Joke 21
If you cross a telephone and a pair of scissors, what do you get? Snippy answers.

Telephone Joke 22
What kind of phone makes music? A saxophone.

Telephone Joke 23
Why did the girl who worked for the telephone company sing all the time? Because she was an operetta (operator).

Telephone Joke 24
Who invented the telephone? The Phoenicians (phone-itions).

Telephone Joke 25
How do Iranians speak on the telephone? Persian-to-Persian (person-to-person).

Telephone Joke 26
How did the telephones get married ? In a double ring ceremony !

Telephone Joke 27
What do you call a telephone call from one vicar to another ? A parson to parson call !

Telephone Joke 28
What do you get if you cross a telephone and a marriage bureau ? A wedding ring !

Telephone Joke 29
What do you get if you cross a pig and a telephone ? A lot of crackling on the line !

Telephone Joke 30
When doesn’t a telephone work underwater? When it’s wringing wet!

Telephone Joke 31
Caller: Operator! Operator! Do you know my boyfriend’s line has been busy for an hour? Operator: No, but if you hum a few bars, I might be able to sing along with you.

Telephone Joke 32
What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants? Bell-bottoms!

Telephone Joke 33
How can you tell if a bee is on the phone? You get a buzzy signal.

Telephone Joke 34
Party Host: Hello? Phone Caller: I m trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima. Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her? Party Host: I d be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?

Telephone Joke 35
Caller: Operator! Operator! Call me an ambulance! Operator: Okay. You re an ambulance!

Telephone Joke 36
Caller: Operator! Operator! I don’t know What’s wrong with my phone, but I can’t make long distance calls any longer! Operator: Don’t worry. Your long distance calls are long enough already!

Telephone Joke 37
Hello, police? Please send an officer over to 324 London Road right away! Sorry, this isn’t the police station. It’s the Delicatessen. Oh. Well, in that case, please send over a pastrami sandwich!

Telephone Joke 38
What do you get if you cross a phone with a rooster? A wake-up call!

Telephone Joke 39
What animals talk on the telephone the most? The yakety-yaks!

Telephone Joke 40
Caller: My goodness, Operator! Your nose is so stuffed up, I can’t understand you. You should really take something for that cold. Operator: Good idea. I ll take the rest of the day off!

Telephone Joke 41
What do you get if you cross a telephone with a fat football player? A wide receiver.

Telephone Joke 42
What do you get if you cross a telephone with a night crawler? Ringworm!

Telephone Joke 43
How do scaredy-cats answer the phone? Yellow?

Telephone Joke 44
How do, like, really laid-back types answer the phone? Mellow.

Telephone Joke 45
Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire? She wanted to lay it on the line!

Telephone Joke 46
How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub? They both have rings!

Telephone Joke 47
What did the answering machine say to the telephone? Take my word for it.

Telephone Joke 48
How does a cheerleader answer the phone? H-E-L-L-O!

Telephone Joke 49
How does a lobster answer the phone? Shello?

Telephone Joke 50
How does a door chime answer the phone? Bella?

Telephone Joke 51
How can you tell if someone Who’s just had a perm is on the phone? You get a frizzy signal!

Telephone Joke 52
How can you tell if someone Who’s having a temper tantrum is on the phone? You get a tizzy signal!

Telephone Joke 53
What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone? He grew up to be a bellhop!

Telephone Joke 54
When does a horse talk on the phone? Whinny wants to!

Telephone Joke 55
How does a football player make phone calls? On a touch-down phone.

Telephone Joke 56
How does a baritone make phone calls? Song distance!

Telephone Joke 57
How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls? Collect!

Telephone Joke 58
What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration? A party line!

Telephone Joke 59
What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration? A party line!

Telephone Joke 60
What do you get if you cross a phone with a mouthwash? Tele-Scope.

Telephone Joke 61
A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient. “Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?” asked the psychiatrist. “As a matter of fact, I do,” said the patient. “And when does this happen?” asked the psychiatrist. “Oh,” said the patient, “when I answer the telephone.”

Telephone Joke 62
What do you call the sound a ghost makes when he calls you? A phone moan.

Telephone Joke 63
How does a baboon make phone calls? He just monkeys around on the line!

Telephone Joke 64
What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron? A smooth operator!

Telephone Joke 65
What kind of music do phones love to hear? A symphony

Telephone Joke 66
How that we are engaged I hope you ll give me a ring. Of course. What’s your phone number ?

Telephone Joke 67
Why are there so many Johnson in he phone book? They all have phones.

Internet Joke 1
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.

Internet Joke 2
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Exactly five hundred. 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 21 to flame the spell checkers. 49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb. 69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bul bs be stopped. 41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list. 106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, “Me Too.” 6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 9 to quote the “Me Too s” and happily add, “Me Three!” 3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Internet Joke 3
What’s O. J. Simpson’s Internet address? Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

Internet Joke 4
Can you show me how to use the Internet? I d better – otherwise you ll just go round and round in circles.

Internet Joke 5
Do you want some help using the Internet, son? No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.

Internet Joke 6
Does your mum like shopping on the Internet? No, the trolley keeps rolling off the top of the computer.

Internet Joke 7
How do you find white shirts on the Internet? Use a starch engine.

Internet Joke 8
How does the vicar explore the Internet? With the church mouse.

Internet Joke 9
I hear you’ve been tracing your ancestors on the internet… Yes – and it’s a mammoth task!

Internet Joke 10
I hope you re not one of those pupils who spends all day on the Net and doesn’t get any exercise. Oh, no, miss, I often sit around watching TV and not getting exercise either.

Internet Joke 11
I never thought that the Internet was very useful, but now I’ve changed my mind. Let’s hope your new one works better then the one you had before.

Internet Joke 12
I see you’ve got your bill for using the Internet Yes, and my dad’s really going to get the hump!

Internet Joke 13
I use the internet to tell me what the weather’s like. How do you do that? I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it’s raining!

Internet Joke 14
Since you’ve discovered the Internet, you don’t pay any attention to me! Who said that?

Internet Joke 15
So what exactly can I learn on the Internet? Anything you like – it can even teach you to talk like an Indian. How? See? It’s working already.

Internet Joke 16
Teacher: Don’t forget to check the Internet if you have trouble with your homework questions. Pupil: It’s not the questions I have trouble with, it’s the answers.

Internet Joke 17
Teacher: What are the four elements? Pupil: Fire, Earth, Water and the Internet. Teacher: What do you mean the Internet? Pupil: Well, Mum says that whenever I m on the Net, I m in my element.

Internet Joke 18
What do you call someone who spends 24 hours a day on the Internet? Anything you like, they re not listening to you anyway.

Internet Joke 19
Where does the Internet football team play? Webley.

Internet Joke 20
Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet? Because they can’t stop saving their work.

Internet Joke 21
Why do you think your report should be on the net? Because my marks are all E s.

Internet Joke 22
You re a big Internet fan aren’t you? Yes – it’s becoming a habit!

Internet Joke 23
You re a big internet fan, arn’t you? Yes, I really get a buzz out of it!

Internet Joke 24
Teacher: Why are you pushing garlic into the computer’s disk drive? Pupil: To keep vampires off the Internet Teacher: But there aren’t any vampires on the Internet Pupil: See? It works, doesn’t it?

Internet Joke 25
Where’s Spiderman’s home page? On the world wide web.

Internet Joke 26
Why did the mummy stop using the Internet? He was getting far too wrapped up in it.

Internet Joke 27
Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet? They never want to log off.

Internet Joke 28
Why was the skeleton using the Internet? To bone up on his schoolwork.

Internet Joke 29
What’s the best city to search the World Wide Web in? Rome.

Internet Joke 30
Which Lord Mayor of London was always on the Internet? Click Whittington

Internet Joke 31
Who is the oldest singer on the Internet? Click Jagger.

Internet Joke 32
Who writes hit musicals on the Internet? Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Internet Joke 33
What did you say to the policeman who spent eight hours on the Internet? Oh give it arrest.

Internet Joke 34
What do you get if you cross a giant ship with the Internet? The Site-anic.

Internet Joke 35
What do you get if you cross the Internet with a currant bread? Spotted click

Internet Joke 36
What do you put in a www.ashing machine? Net curtains!

Internet Joke 37
What grows on the World Wide Web and stings? Internettles.

Internet Joke 38
What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet? P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.

Internet Joke 39
What did the sausage say when it couldn’t log on to the Internet? If at first you don’t succeed Fry, Fry again

Internet Joke 40
Did you know pillows have their own website? Really? Well you could knock me down with a feather!

Internet Joke 41
Did you like www.flower.com? Not at first….but it grew on me!

Internet Joke 42
How did the flea learn to use the internet? He had to start from scratch.

Internet Joke 43
Have you got the address of the butter website? Yes, but don’t spread it around.

Internet Joke 44
I can’t find a shark website…. That’s cos you re dum dum, dum dum, dum dum, dumb……

Internet Joke 45
If doors have a website shouldn’t windows have one too? We d better, or it will be curtains for us.

Internet Joke 46
Our website should have more colour, more games, more sound! Look, what more do you want? Blood?

Internet Joke 47
What did the hypnotist say when he got his own website…. Hyp, Hyp Hooray.

Internet Joke 48
What did the maths homework website say to the geometry website? Boy do we have problems.

Internet Joke 49
What did you think of our website? A little bit tacky.

Internet Joke 50
What do builders use to make websites? Com.crete.

Internet Joke 51
Where is Pinocchio’s website? On the splinternet.

Internet Joke 52
Who has the best website in the jungle? The Onlion King.

Internet Joke 53
Who runs the 100 acre wood website? www.innie the pooh.

Internet Joke 54
Who started the campfire website? Some bright spark.

Internet Joke 55
Why do you keep going back to that fishing website? I can’t help it, I m hooked.

Internet Joke 56
You need to log on to the window repair website! I did – but it gave me a pane!

Internet Joke 57
I spent the whole evening knotsurfing! Don’t you mean netsurfing? No, everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!

Internet Joke 58
How do nuns surf the web? On the Hymnternet.

Internet Joke 59
How are you getting on with the Internet? Surf far, so good.

Internet Joke 60
My dog likes to sit down each evening and surf the Net. What an intelligent animal! Not really, it took the cat three weeks to teach him.

Internet Joke 61
Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting round playing on the Internet, you ll be fat and useless when you grow up. Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!

Internet Joke 62
What happened when the schoool bully went netsurfing? The goalkeeper kicked him out of the football ground.

Internet Joke 63
What surfs the Internet and goes, Choo, Choo ? Thomas the Search Engine.

Internet Joke 64
What’s hairy, dangerous and only surfs the Net when there’s a full moon? The www.erewolf.

Internet Joke 65
Who sits at the end of the yellow brick road surfing the Net? The www.izard of Oz.

Internet Joke 66
Who surfs the Net by pecking at the keyboard? www.oody www.oodpecker.

Internet Joke 67
Why are elephants no good at Net surfing? Because they re scared of the mouse.

Internet Joke 68
Does your dog know how how to surf the internet? No – but he’s got a ruff idea.

Internet Joke 69
Why are frogs no good at websurfing? Computers have them toad-ily confused.

Internet Joke 70
Why couldn’t the baby camel surf the Internet? Because whenever his parents saw their phone bill they got the hump.

Internet Joke 71
Why was Cinderella able to surf the web? Because he footman turned into a mouse.

Internet Joke 72
Do you enjoy websurfing? No way! my mum warned me to stay away from the net!

Internet Joke 73
Do you like surfing the net? Oh yes, I’ve really taken a shine to it. (Moon to Sun)

Internet Joke 74
How do heavy metal bands surf the web? On the Din-ternet.

Internet Joke 75
Have you seen www.tomatosauce.com? No, I ll ketchup with it later.

Internet Joke 76
Have you seen www.topsecret.com? If I have, I m not going to tell you.

Internet Joke 77
Have you seen www.usedmatch.com? Yes, but I didn’t find it striking.

Internet Joke 78
Have you seen www.veryangry.com? No, AND STOP ASKING ME STUPID QUESTIONS!

Internet Joke 79
Have you seen www.yawn.com? Yes, but I m a bit tired of it.

Internet Joke 80
Have you heard that there’s a new mountain website? Really? I must take a peak at it!

Internet Joke 81
Have you seen www.hook.com? Yes, it’s already caught my eye.

Internet Joke 82
Have you seen www.indecisive.com? Yes and no.

Internet Joke 83
Have you seen www.lockeddoor.com? Yes, but I found it very difficult to get into.

Internet Joke 84
Have you seen www.needleinahaystack.com? Yes, but it took ages to find.

Internet Joke 85
Have you seen www.pitchdark.com? Yes, but I really couldn’t see what all the fuss is about.

Internet Joke 86
Have you seen www.quasimodo.com? I m not sure, but certainly rings a bell.

Internet Joke 87
Have you seen www.quicksand.com? Yes, but it hasn’t sunk in yet.

Internet Joke 88
Have you seen www.shelterfromtherain.com? Yes, but it doesn’t really stand out.

Internet Joke 89
Have you seen www.smallearthquake.com? Yes, its’s no great shakes!

Internet Joke 90
Have you seen www.square.com? No, I haven’t got around to it.

Internet Joke 91
Have you seen www.amnesia.com? Sorry, I just can’t remember.

Internet Joke 92
Have you seen www.apathy.com? No, and quite honestly I can’t be bothered.

Internet Joke 93
Have you seen www.blottingpaper.com? Yes, I found it very absorbing.

Internet Joke 94
Have you seen www.boomerang .com? Yes, I return to it again and again.

Internet Joke 95
Have you seen www.brokenglass.com? Yes, but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Internet Joke 96
Have you seen www.busfull.com? No, I m afraid that one passed me by.

Internet Joke 97
Have you seen www.dustbin.com? Yes, but it’s a load of rubbish.

Internet Joke 98
Have you seen www.stickytape.com? Yes, I can’t tear myself away.

Internet Joke 99
Have you seen www.tame.com? Yes, but I m not wild about it.

Internet Joke 100
What do you call an alien surfing the Internet? e-t.

Internet Joke 101
What sits in the middle of the world wide web ? A very, very big spider !

Internet Joke 102
PE Teacher: Why did you kick that ball straight at the school computer? Pupil: You told me to put it in the Net.

Internet Joke 103
What do you get if you type www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.com into your computer? A sore finger.

Internet Joke 104
Doctor, doctor, I feel like I m part of the Internet! Well, you do look a site

Internet Joke 105
Doctor, doctor, should I surf the Internet on an empty stomach? No, you should do it on a computer.

Internet Joke 106
Do you like web jokes? Yes – they re e-larious!

Internet Joke 107
How do you fix a broken website? With stick e-tape.

Internet Joke 108
How do you make rude noises on the Internet? With a whoop e-cushion.

Internet Joke 109
What did Darth Vader say to the Internet? May the force e-with you.

Internet Joke 110
What do you call a fire at the Internet cafe? An e-mergency.

Internet Joke 111
What do you call a ghost on the Internet? e-erie.

Internet Joke 112
What do you call an Internet mystery? An e-nigma.

Internet Joke 113
What do you get if you cross an elephant with the Internet? I don’t know, but it’s e-nourmous.

Internet Joke 114
What goes round the middle of the Internet? The e-quator.

Internet Joke 115
What has long ears, hops and likes websurfing? The e-aster bunny.

Internet Joke 116
Which of the seven dwarfs use the Internet? Happ-e, Sleep-e, Grump-e, Dope-e and Sneez-e.

Internet Joke 117
Who is the most popular wizard on the Internet? Har e-potter.

Internet Joke 118
Who looks after the EuroDisney website? Mick e-mouse.

Internet Joke 119
Who writes all his plays on the Internet? Will-e. Shakespeare.

Internet Joke 120
Who’s the chief of the internet? E-ronimo!

Internet Joke 121
What do internet football fans sing? E we go E we go, E we go!

E-Mail Joke 1
Why couldn’t the alligator send e-mails on his PC? Because it was on old croc.

E-Mail Joke 2
Why couldn’t the apple send an e-mail to the orange? Because the lime was engaged.

E-Mail Joke 3
Why didn’t the internit get any e-mail? Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.

E-Mail Joke 4
Why do church bells never send e-mails? They d rather give each other a ring.

E-Mail Joke 5
Why did the internit paint his computer screen in little black and white squares? He wanted to check his e-mail.

E-Mail Joke 6
Why don’t vikings send e-mails? They prefer to use Norse code.

E-Mail Joke 7
Why don’t you stamp e-mails? Because your foot would go right through the computer screen!

E-Mail Joke 8
Pupil: Sir, would you mind e-mailing my exam results to my parents? Teacher: But your parents don’t have a comuter. Pupil: Exactly!

E-Mail Joke 9
Do you send e-mails on your home computer? What’s the point? I can just bring my home along with me and have a chat.

E-Mail Joke 10
How come you never write e-mails? I d rather send a note!

E-Mail Joke 11
How do athletes send e-mails? On the Inter-sweat.

E-Mail Joke 12
How do comedians send messages? By tee-hee mail.

E-Mail Joke 13
How do dolphins send messages? By sea-mail.

E-Mail Joke 14
How do footballers send messages? By referee-mail.

E-Mail Joke 15
How do Indian chiefs send messages? By teepee-mail!

E-Mail Joke 16
How do Italian Chefs swap recipes? By Spaghett-e-mail!

E-Mail Joke 17
How do long distance runners send e-mail? On the sprin-ternet.

E-Mail Joke 18
How do mountainers send messages? By ski-mail.

E-Mail Joke 19
How do really posh dogs send messages? By predigree-mail.

E-Mail Joke 20
How do sheep sign their e-mails? Ewes sincerely.

E-Mail Joke 21
How do skunks like their e-mails? Scent.

E-Mail Joke 22
How do wasps send messages? By bee-mail.

E-Mail Joke 23
How do whales type e-mails? With their fish fingers.

E-Mail Joke 24
How do writers send e-mail? On the Inkernet.

E-Mail Joke 25
How does James Bond type e-mails? With his goldfinger.

E-Mail Joke 26
How does Robin hood send messages around Sherwood Forest? By tree mail!

E-Mail Joke 27
I just sent my first e-mail. Kongratulations!

E-Mail Joke 28
Teacher: You’ve been e-mailing other pupils that I m ugly! Pupil: Sorry, miss, I didn’t realise you wanted to keep it a secret.

E-Mail Joke 29
What do robots put at the bottom of their e-mails? Yours tin-sincerely.

E-Mail Joke 30
What do vampires put at the bottom of their e-mails? Best viscious.

E-Mail Joke 31
What do werewolves put at the bottom of their e-mails? Beast wishes.

E-Mail Joke 32
What should you do if you get lots of e-mails saying, What’s up, Doc? What’s up, Doc? Check for bugs in your system.

E-Mail Joke 33
When do e-mails stop being in black and white? When they are read.

E-Mail Joke 34
I tried to send an e-mail and broke my computer. How do you manage that? I think it was when I tried to push it through the letterbox.

E-Mail Joke 35
I’ve lost my dog! Have you tried putting a message on the Internet? Don’t be silly, my dog never reads e-mails!

E-Mail Joke 36
Why was the hen banned from sending e-mails? She was always using fowl language.

E-Mail Joke 37
What did Hamlet say when he was thinking of sending a message? To e or not to e, that is the question.

E-Mail Joke 38
What’s the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something.

E-Mail Joke 39
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Computer Joke 1
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. “Due to lack of maintenance,” he read, “we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account.”

Computer Joke 2
This customer comes into the computer store. “I m looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging.” “Well,” replied the clerk, “Have you tried Windows 98?”

Computer Joke 3
Redmond, WA –Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system “Windows 2000″ will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

Computer Joke 4
What do computers eat when they get hungry? Chips.

Computer Joke 5
What’s the difference between Windows 95 and a virus? A virus does something.

Computer Joke 6
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed… Oh, wait a minute, he already does.

Computer Joke 7
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Computer Joke 8
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Computer Joke 9
Dear Boss, I hope I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk. In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak. Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

Computer Joke 10
A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.” The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said “I d like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east.” The genie responded, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits.” The programmer then said, “Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes” Genie: “Uh, let me see that map again.”

Computer Joke 11
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Computer Joke 12
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Computer Joke 13
Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to ask “What is the registration number of the light bulb?”, one to ask “Have you tried rebooting it?”, another to ask “Have you tried reinstalling it?” and the last one to say “It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine…”

Computer Joke 14
You have just received the “Kentucky Virus”!!! As we ain’t got no programin experience, this here Virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thanks for your cooperation.

Computer Joke 15
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, that’s a hardware problem.

Computer Joke 16
Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner he told them: I need three important people to send my message out to all the people: “Tomorrow I will destroy the earth.” Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: “I have two really bad news items for you: 1) God really exists and 2) Tomorrow He will destroy the earth.” Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: “I have good news and bad news: 1) The GOOD news is that God really does exist 2) The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth.” Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced: “I have two fantastic announcements: 1) I am one of the three most important people on earth 2) The Year 2000 problem is solved.”

Computer Joke 17
I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant “I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it’s got to be simple enough for his father to play, too.”

Computer Joke 18
Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the computer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, “So, what was wrong?” And he replied, “It was an ID ten’t error.” A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy’s face. “An ID ten’t error? What’s that … in case I need to fix it again??” He gave her a grin… “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten’t error before?” “No,” replied Judy. “Write it down,” he said, “and I think you ll figure it out.” (She wrote…) I D 1 0′t

Computer Joke 19
Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for me… My husband ran off with his secretary, My son pierced his eyebrow, My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head, My dog mated with the neighbors cat, My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution, My Mom told me I was adopted, My Dad told me he’s gay, My boss told me I was laid off, My sister was arrested for prostitution, My house has termites, My car was stolen, All that came in the mail was bills, A plane, crash landed on my garage, OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner, And my TV blew. Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please…. DON’t LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!! AMENA programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th floor. So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for the Enter….

Computer Joke 20
After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival. Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: “Did you check to see whether the power was on?” “Of course.” DED: “Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?” “Of course.” DED: Then why are you calling me?” “Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty,” pleaded the frustrated purchaser. “Of course there is,” replied the DED, “But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover.” There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.

Computer Joke 21
My computer made a funny sound the other day. Of course, I’ve never heard it get thrown out a window before.

Computer Joke 22
Q. What creature has the best aptitude for engineering ? A. The spider — It has its own website.

Computer Joke 23
Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner. Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead. When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures — all kinds of bells and whistles. God asked Satan wha’t he had created, but Satan said, “I’ve got nothing, absolutely nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?” God replied, “Everybody knows — Jesus Saves.”

Computer Joke 24
Q: What’s the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman can probably drive!

Computer Joke 25
As most technophiles are aware, there are special programs to run scanners. These programs use a TWAIN driver to perform the scanning. TWAIN, the acronym, stands for “Technology Without An Interesting Name.”

Computer Joke 26
A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I ll pay you $5.” Again, the Programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I ll pay you $50!” This catches the Programmer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the firs’t question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The Programmer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer. Now, it’s the Programmer

Computer Joke 27
Q: What’s the best way to accelerate a Mac? A: 9.81 m/s2

Computer Joke 28
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked “Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.” The civil engineer interrupted and said “But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world.” The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?

Computer Joke 29
Comments made by Programmers when their programs don’t work: Strange… I’ve never heard about that. It did work yesterday. Well, the program needs some fixing. How is this possible? The machine seems to be broken. Has the operating system been updated? The user has made an error again. There is something wrong in your test data. I have not touched that module! Yes yes, it will be ready in time. You must have the wrong executable. Oh, it’s just a feature. I m almost ready. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes. It will be done in no time at all. It’s just some unlucky coincidence. I can’t test everything! THIS can’t do THAT. Didn’t I fix it already? It’s already there, but it has not been tested. It works, but it’s not been tested. Somebody must have changed my code. There must be a virus in the application software. Even though i’t does not work, how does it feel? How come you didn

Computer Joke 30
One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, It’s about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

Computer Joke 31
Got this email from a friend: CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

Computer Joke 32
Customer: “I m running Windows 95.” Tech: “Yes.” Customer: “My computer isn’t working now.” Tech: “Yes, you said that.”

Computer Joke 33
– Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer? – Well, dear… Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with “Please wait while your computer shuts down”…

Computer Joke 34
….. Ya see, we at Microsoft believe in making computing easier! What could be easier for consumers than having only ONE choice of software?!?

Computer Joke 35
I heard that if you play the Windows NT 4.0 CD backwards, you ll get a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0!

Computer Joke 36
Q: What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98? A: 3 years

Computer Joke 37
Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb? A: He doesn t. He declares darkness the industry standard.

Computer Joke 38
What did Bill Gate’s wife say to him on their wedding night? No wonder you called the company Microsoft

Computer Joke 39
One of Microsoft’s finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”

Computer Joke 40
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? “I know,” said the Branch Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.” “No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time a’t all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.” “Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”

Computer Joke 41
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, “Well Bill, I m really confused on this one. It’s a tough decision; I m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95 among other indiscretions. I believe I ll do something I’ve never done before; I ll let you decide where you want to go.” Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, “Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?” Looking slightly puzzled, God said, “Better yet, why don’t I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?” Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, “I think I ll try Hell f irst.” So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill’s face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. “This is great,” he thought, “if this is Hell, I can

Computer Joke 42
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. “There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. “Since I m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. “I m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon. “This world needs great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane. “I m the smarest man in the world,” bragged Bill Gates. “The world needs smart men, so I must also live!” Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. At this point, the Pope began to speak. “I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.” “You don’t have to stay here! The world’s smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”

Computer Joke 43
Q: What does a proud computer call his little son? A: A microchip off the old block.

Computer Joke 44
Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer? A: You get a short circut.

Computer Joke 45
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.” About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

Computer Joke 46
A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a “Keyboard Error” message. She then asks “Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn’t even a keyboard attached?

Computer Joke 47
While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file. He said it said “File not found”. I told him to do a dir. I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed. He said, “Well it says autoexec, then there’s some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat.” I said type this in “type autoexec.bat”. Again he got “File not found”. I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed. He said, “I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat .

Computer Joke 48
Webster’s Dictionary definition of Windows 95 Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can’t stand 1 bit of competition.

Computer Joke 49
Why did the school bully kick the classroom computer? Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system.

Computer Joke 50
The Three Laws of Secure Computing 1) Don’t buy a computer. 2) If you do buy a computer, don’t plug it in. 3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

Computer Joke 51
Computers manufacturer is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

Computer Joke 52
Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Computer Joke 53
A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

Computer Joke 54
A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

Computer Joke 55
A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

Computer Joke 56
A customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the “send” key.

Computer Joke 57
A customer needed help setting up a new program, so the technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

Computer Joke 58
A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

Computer Joke 59
A technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

Computer Joke 60
An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn’t get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

Computer Joke 61
Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”

Computer Joke 62
Many people in computer labs will assure you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were doing everything correctly, and it still wasn’t working, only to make you get up from your nice comfy seat to walk over to the other side of the room and do it yourself. Invariably, after it works the first time for you, the response is, “THAT’s WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!” Obviously not.

Computer Joke 63
Customer: “How do I print my voicemail?”

Computer Joke 64
Student: “Would it be possible to install Arabic language support on those computers?” Computer Teacher: “In order to use Arabic language in Windows, you must install an Arabic graphic card. So I don’t think we could do that.”

Computer Joke 65
Tech Support: “How may I help you today, sir?” Customer: “Hello…hey, er…I think I’ve got the wrong software installed in my computer.” Tech Support: “Why is that, sir?” Customer: “I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded with software called the XYZ Desktop .” Tech Support: “Yes…?” Customer: “Shouldn’t it be called the XYZ Minitower ? I OBVIOUSLY have the wrong software installed in this computer.”

Computer Joke 66
Me: “What is that noise?” Customer: “Hey Martinez!! I m on the phone! Cut it out!” Me: “What was that?” Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Customer: “It’s from a device.” Me: “What kind of device?” Customer: “I don’t know.” Me: “Like a fax machine or something?” Customer: “I don’t know. Someone is under house arrest or something.”

Computer Joke 67
Customer: “My disk is stuck in my disk drive. Clicking eject doesn’t work.” Tech Support: “Ok, turn the power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse clicker, and power the Mac back up.” Customer: “Look, I don’t have three hands!”

Computer Joke 68
Customer: “Hi, I m supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you. What should I pack it in?”

Computer Joke 69
Customer: “I’ve been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically — but there’s a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time.” Tech Support: “Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?” Customer: “Of course I am. That’s why I bought it.” Tech Support: “Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?” Customer: “Don’t get rude with me, of course I do.” Tech Support: “Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results.” Customer: “I know all that — what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it.”

Computer Joke 70
Customer: “Wait, that password looks really gray. I m going to type it in again.”

Computer Joke 71
Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me I have call waiting?” Tech Support: “Sir, we have no way of knowing if you have call waiting.” Customer: “Well, you should ask everybody!” Tech Support: “Do you have call waiting?” Customer: “What’s that?”

Computer Joke 72
Customer: “It says I’ve performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something wrong?”

Computer Joke 73
Tech Support: “Which format are the images you send?” Customer: “Rectangular, 15×11 centimeters.”

Computer Joke 74
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? “I know,” said the Branch Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.” “No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.” “Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”

Computer Joke 75
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer–the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace – was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a “window” to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

Computer Joke 76
After a caller gave a technician her PC’s serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, “I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she d be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: “Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.”

Computer Joke 77
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it ll work !?

Computer Joke 78
This little computer, said the sales clerk, “will do half of your job for you.” Studying the machine, the senior VP said, “Fine, I ll take two.”

Computer Joke 79
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: “You re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees.” The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You re all working very hard, and I m very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?” The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: “Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?” A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!”

Computer Joke 80
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 1.99904274017, but that’s close enough for non-technical people.

Computer Joke 81
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant? A: A mad scientist.

Computer Joke 82
Q: What’s another name for the “Intel Inside” sticker they put on Pentiums? A: The warning label.

Computer Joke 83
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? A: Successive approximations.

Computer Joke 84
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4) On a Pentium, all of the above A: Number 4.

Computer Joke 85
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium’s floating point divider? A: “Life is like a box of chocolates…” (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Computer Joke 86
Q: Why didn’t Intel call the Pentium the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Computer Joke 87
What do you get if you cross a constable with a computer? PC Plod.

Computer Joke 88
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: “Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. “You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?” “I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I m hauling.” “Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. “Why did you do that?” “Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.” r\nThe truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen! He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. “What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver. “Well, sure,” says the patrolman. “But you can’t bait em!”

Computer Joke 89
A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. “The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!” The employee was a little confused and didn’t know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him…he d never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. “Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it…”

Computer Joke 90
If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash.

Computer Joke 91
Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?” “Yes, well, I m having trouble with WordPerfect.” “What sort of trouble?” “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.” “Went away?” “They disappeared.” “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?” “Nothing.” “Nothing?” “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.” “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?” “How do I tell?” “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?” “What’s a sea-prompt?” “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?” “There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.” “Does your monitor have a power indicator?” “What’s a monitor?” “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?” “I don’t know.” “Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?” “Yes, I think so.” “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it

Computer Joke 92
What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar.

Computer Joke 93
What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.

Computer Joke 94
Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.

Computer Joke 95
What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.

Computer Joke 96
To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.

Computer Joke 97
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computer Joke 98
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computer Joke 99
My computer isn’t that nervous. It’s just a bit ANSI.

Computer Joke 100
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

Computer Joke 101
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Computer Joke 102
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says “lather, rinse, repeat.”

Computer Joke 103
A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: “Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS”. “G.O.O.D” answered his wife.

Computer Joke 104
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1 F1″ and nobody understood it.

Computer Joke 105
The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: “Can’t you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!” The boy replies back: “Darling, I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings, we only worry about errors.”

Computer Joke 106
Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis? Because it is below C level.

Computer Joke 107
They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?” The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with “Your father is fishing in Michigan.” The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years.” “No”, replied the super computer immediately. “Your mother’s husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.”

Computer Joke 108
The programmer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.” “Thank you, daddy, but where is the user’s guide?”

Computer Joke 109
The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.

Computer Joke 110
A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: “I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!”

Computer Joke 111
How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They try to fix the old one. “We looked at the light fixture and decided there’s no point trying to maintain it. We re going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?”

Computer Joke 112
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb? “You re still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!”

Computer Joke 113
How many Java programmers does it take to change a light bulb? One, to generate a “ChangeLightBulb” event to the socket.

Computer Joke 114
How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb? Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only “This page intentionally left blank”.

Computer Joke 115
How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, provided there’s a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Computer Joke 116
A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it could not find the printer. The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printerbut his computer still could not see the printer.

Computer Joke 117
Do you turn on your computer with your left hand or your right hand? ” My right hand.” ” Amazing!Most people have to use the on/off switch.”

Computer Joke 118
Computer helpline? Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white….

Computer Joke 119
Customer: I think I’ve got a bug in my computer. Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise? Customer: Yes. Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!

Computer Joke 120
Helpline? I’ve just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive! Has the computer stopped working? No, but there’s a lot of crackling.

Computer Joke 121
How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out? Hide their trainers.

Computer Joke 122
I’ve been on my computer all night! Don’t you think you d be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?

Computer Joke 123
I’ve been sitting at this computer for hours and I haven’t seen a single website. That’s because you re supposed to sit facing the screen.

Computer Joke 124
Mum, Mum, Dad’s broken my computer! How did he do that? I dropped it on his head.

Computer Joke 125
Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a choice of computers to use. Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the one we’ve got or don’t use any at all.

Computer Joke 126
Teacher: Look at the state of the school computer. I want that screen cleaned so I can see my face in it! Pupil: But then it will crack and we won’t be able to use it at all.

Computer Joke 127
Teacher: Shall I put the school computer on? Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you re wearing looks fine.

Computer Joke 128
This computer you charged me L950 for doesn’t work….and you said it would be trouble free. It is, I charged you L950 for the computer, but you re getting all that trouble absolutely free!

Computer Joke 129
Want to buy a pocket computer? No, thanks, I already know how many pockets I’ve got.

Computer Joke 130
What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard? Sorry, you re not my type.

Computer Joke 131
What did one mouse say to the other mouse? I get a click out of you.

Computer Joke 132
What did the mouse say to the webcam? Cheese.

Computer Joke 133
What do computer experts do at weekends? Go for a disk drive.

Computer Joke 134
What do you do if your computer hums? Tell it to change its socsks!

Computer Joke 135
What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer? The Netcracker suite.

Computer Joke 136
What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.

Computer Joke 137
What do you get if you stuff your computer’s disk drive with herbs? A thyme machine.

Computer Joke 138
What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink? A slipped disk.

Computer Joke 139
What’s the difference between your finger and a hammer? I don’t know! Well, you re not using my computer keyboard then!

Computer Joke 140
When do computers go to sleep? When it’s internight.

Computer Joke 141
Where does an elephant carry its laptop? In its trunk.

Computer Joke 142
Where is the best place to buy computer software? Washington C.D

Computer Joke 143
Which football team to you need to connect up your computer? Leeds.

Computer Joke 144
Which kind of ink do you put in your computer’s printer? Black, Red or Iced? Iced Ink? Well, yes you do, but I didn’t want to mention it.

Computer Joke 145
Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers? Click Turpin

Computer Joke 146
You re spending a lot of time at that computer screen. Have you had your eyes checked? No, they’ve always been blue!

Computer Joke 147
Who sits on Cinderella’s keyboard? Buttons.

Computer Joke 148
Would you like to buy a second-hand computer? I m afraid not. I m only able to type with one hand as it is.

Computer Joke 149
Why did the computer act crazy? It had a screw loose.

Computer Joke 150
Why did the dish and spoon hide their computer? The cat kept fiddling with i.t.

Computer Joke 151
Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer? He wanted to have webbed feet.

Computer Joke 152
Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer? He wanted to have webbed feet.

Computer Joke 153
Why do computer teachers never get sick? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Computer Joke 154
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I m a computer. My goodness, you d better come to my surgery right away! I can t, my power cable won’t reach that far.

Computer Joke 155
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I m a laptop computer. You re just run down, let me give you some vitamins. No, thanks. But I could do with some new batteries.

Computer Joke 156
Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house? A. He uses “windows”.

Computer Joke 157
Q: Which way did the programmer go? A: He went DATA way!

You enter the laboratory and see a science experiment. How will you know which class is it?

If the science experiment is green and wiggles, it’s biology.
If the science experiment stinks, it’s chemistry.
If the science experiment doesn’t work, it’s physics.

Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they’re not bad either.

When you get caught by your boss–and you will get caught–your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You’re not a loafer, you’re a self-starter.

Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

Husband: Hi dear. I’m logged in
Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband: Bad command or file name
wife: But I told you in the morning ?
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort, retry, cancel?
Wife: What about my new TV ?
Husband: Variable not found
Wife: At least, give me your credit card. I need to do some shopping
Husband: Sharing violation. Access denied
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you
Husband: Data type mismatch
Wife: You are useless
Husband: By default
Wife: What about your salary ?
Husband: File in use. Try after some time
Wife: Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband: System is unstable. Press ALT + CTRL + DEL to reboot
Wife: Are you going to have some snacks ?
Husband: File system full
Wife: What is the relation between you and your receptionist ?
Husband: only user with WRITE permission
Wife: What is my value in this family ?
Husband: Unknown virus
Wife: Do you love me or your computer or you’re being just funny ?
Husband: Too many parameters!
Wife: I will go to my dad’s house.
Husband: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be terminated
Wife: I’ll leave you forever
Husband: Close all programs and logout and then login as another user
Wife: It’s worthless talking to you
Husband: Shutdown the computer
Wife: I’m going
Husband: It’s now safe to turn off your computer

Murphy Computer Law 1
75% of the bugs laws in this page can be applied to MS Windows (Any version).

Murphy Computer Law 2
90% of a programmer errors come from data from other programmers.

Murphy Computer Law 3
A chain letter – will be sent. To global. A dozen times.

Murphy Computer Law 4
A complex system that does’ t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

Murphy Computer Law 5
A computer is only as smart as the person using it

Murphy Computer Law 6
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Murphy Computer Law 7
A ‘debugged’ program that crashes will wipe out source files on storage devices when there is the least available backup.

Murphy Computer Law 8
A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.

Murphy Computer Law 9
A hardware failure will cause system software to crash, and the customer engineer will blame the programmer.

Murphy Computer Law 10
A part dropped from the workbench will roll to a degree of un-reachability proportional to its importance.

Murphy Computer Law 11
A patch is a piece of software which replaces old bugs with new bugs.

Murphy Computer Law 12
A program generator creates programs that are more buggy than the program generator.

Murphy Computer Law 13
A program is good when it’s bug free – which is impossible.

Murphy Computer Law 14
A program that compile on the first run has an error in the algorithm

Murphy Computer Law 15
A program will work the you think is should only when you don’t care if it does.

Murphy Computer Law 16
A quarantined virus – will be opened.

Murphy Computer Law 17
A system software crash will cause hardware to act strangely and the programmers will blame the customer engineer.

Murphy Computer Law 18
A virus will be erased when the hard drive crashes, making it useless for antivirus program to fix it.

Murphy Computer Law 19
A working program is one that has only unobserved bugs.

Murphy Computer Law 20
According to most Tech Support people, the most common user error message (regardless of Operating System) is ID 10T.

Murphy Computer Law 21
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Murphy Computer Law 22
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Murphy Computer Law 23
After a software is released, the first bug found will be by a person who normally does not use that portion of the program but was wondering why he can’t do something he normally would not do.

Murphy Computer Law 24
All components become obsolete.

Murphy Computer Law 25
All Constants are Variables.

Murphy Computer Law 26
An employee rank is in inverse proportion to his use of a computer, and in proportion to its performance.

Murphy Computer Law 27
An expert is someone brought in at the last minute to share the blame.

Murphy Computer Law 28
Antivirus systems only effectively work on a virus after given virus has passed its prime.

Murphy Computer Law 29
Any cool program always requires more memory than you have.

Murphy Computer Law 30
Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.

Murphy Computer Law 31
Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.

Murphy Computer Law 32
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy Computer Law 33
Any manufacturer making his warranties dependent upon the device being earthed will only supply power cabling with two wires.

Murphy Computer Law 34
Any problem, no matter how complex, can be found by simple inspection.

Murphy Computer Law 35
Any VDU, from the cheapest to the most expensive, will protect a twenty cent fuse by blowing first.

Murphy Computer Law 36
as soon as you download a big file, your computer with shut down

Murphy Computer Law 37
Auto Correct – isn’t

Murphy Computer Law 38
Bugs mysteriously appear when you say, “Watch this!”

Murphy Computer Law 39
Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another ‘unrelated’ part is modified.

Murphy Computer Law 40
By the time you learn your new computer you’ll need a new one.

Murphy Computer Law 41
Complete computer breakdown will happen shortly after the maintenance person has left.

Murphy Computer Law 42
Computer masochism: When a computer takes all the abuse you think you can give it and continues working as it should.

Murphy Computer Law 43
Computer sadism: When the computer causes physical or mental damage to a person and can’t receive such a return favor (due to management rules).

Murphy Computer Law 44
Computers don’t make errors-What they do they do on purpose.

Murphy Computer Law 45
Computers let you waste time efficiently

Murphy Computer Law 46
Computers never work the way they are supposed to. Especially when nothing is wrong with them.

Murphy Computer Law 47
Constants aren’t

Murphy Computer Law 48
Corollary: A nagging intruder with unsought advice will spot it immediately.

Murphy Computer Law 49
Corollary: A subtle bug will modify storage thereby masquerading as some other problem.

Murphy Computer Law 50
Corollary: A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs.

Murphy Computer Law 51
Corollary: ACPI shutdown (sometimes faster to get to than the plug) does not always work.

Murphy Computer Law 52
Corollary: ACPI shutdown will fail most frequently when you run the risk of being caught doing something.

Murphy Computer Law 53
Corollary: At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.

Murphy Computer Law 54
Corollary: If its not their fault – Blame them anyway

Murphy Computer Law 55
corollary: If you call another programmer over to see if he knows what’s wrong the bug disappears.

Murphy Computer Law 56
Corollary: Marketing should not be located in the same city – much less on the same campus – as Engineering and/or Programming.

Murphy Computer Law 57
Debugging is at least twice as hard as writing the program in the first place.

Murphy Computer Law 58
Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.

Murphy Computer Law 59
Don’t take it personally, stupid

Murphy Computer Law 60
Each computer code has five bugs, and tis number does not depend on how many bugs have been already found (it is conservative).

Murphy Computer Law 61
E-mailed tasking will always come just before you log off.

Murphy Computer Law 62
End-users’ Corollary 1: most application failures occur between the hours of 2 and 4 am on a Sunday night – with a 6 am Monday deadline for the project.

Murphy Computer Law 63
End-users’ Corollary 2: On the graveyard shift, there’s no Tech Support to hear you scream!

Murphy Computer Law 64
Every non trivial program has at least one bug

Murphy Computer Law 65
Every non-trivial program can be simplified by at least one line of code.

Murphy Computer Law 66
Every non-trivial program contains at least one bug.

Murphy Computer Law 67
Failure is not an option, it’s included with the software.

Murphy Computer Law 68
for any given software, the moment you manage to master it, a new version appears.

Murphy Computer Law 69
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

Murphy Computer Law 70
Format C: fixes all

Murphy Computer Law 71
General Fault Errors are the “Check Engine” light of computers. If it can be fixed, chances are it’s not by you.

Murphy Computer Law 72
Good enough – isn’t, unless there is a deadline.

Murphy Computer Law 73
He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

Murphy Computer Law 74
If a circuit requires n components, then there will be only n – 1 components in locally-held stocks.

Murphy Computer Law 75
If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.

Murphy Computer Law 76
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

Murphy Computer Law 77
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

Murphy Computer Law 78
If a project is completed on schedule, it wasn’t debugged properly.

Murphy Computer Law 79
If it ain’t broke, Overclock it!

Murphy Computer Law 80
If it works, it’s production. If it doesn’t, it’s a test.

Murphy Computer Law 81
If Murphy’s laws are so true then how come I can log onto this site and submi………… [connection reset - error message 928 ]

Murphy Computer Law 82
If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.

Murphy Computer Law 83
If you forget to save you’re work every 5 minutes, it will break down after you’ve been at it for an hour.

Murphy Computer Law 84
If you make the letters in your Word document bigger and then you print it out, you’ll have everything on the first page and only one line on the second.

Murphy Computer Law 85
If you need to shutdown your PC ASAP, It will restart.

Murphy Computer Law 86
If you were preventive enough to save a copy of anything, you will not need it. Therefore – Not saving a copy of anything is directly proportional to the value of the information lost and the amount of time invested in gathering and typing it

Murphy Computer Law 87
If you’re in a hurry, your computer will crash, a hard drive will become corrupted, or your files will be erased. Any way, you’re screwed if you have a deadline.

Murphy Computer Law 88
‘Illegal Error’ messages only happen when you forget to save your work

Murphy Computer Law 89
In a transistor circuit protected by a fuse, the transistor will always blow to protect the fuse.

Murphy Computer Law 90
It is axiomatic that any spares required will have just been discontinued and will be no longer in stock.

Murphy Computer Law 91
It’s not a bug, it’s an undocumented feature.

Murphy Computer Law 92
Law of Acceleration: A computer that has surpassed its user’s frustration capacity (FC) will accelerate downwards at 9.8 meters per second squared.

Murphy Computer Law 93
Law of Anti-security: The best way past a pesky security feature is a 13-year-old.

Murphy Computer Law 94
Law of Recycling: A computer that has been on the market for 6 weeks is still usable as a boat anchor.

Murphy Computer Law 95
Leet speak is nothing more than some poor fool’s attempt to type really, really fast.

Murphy Computer Law 96
Make a system even a moron can use and a moron will use it.

Murphy Computer Law 97
Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers can not write in English.

Murphy Computer Law 98
Make one that requires training or intelligence and only a moron will use it, but there will be more help desk calls.

Murphy Computer Law 99
Microsoft excel- doesn’t

Murphy Computer Law 100
Millions of people believe they are animals, but I have yet to meet one that believe in Windows’ stability. Even human stupidity has limits

Murphy Computer Law 101
Most computer errors can be attributed to a similar problem – a screw loose behind the keyboard.

Murphy Computer Law 102
Murphy works for Microsoft. In fact, he is in charge of their QA

Murphy Computer Law 103
No matter how big a hard drive you buy, you’ll need to double it in a year.

Murphy Computer Law 104
No matter how fantastic your latest and greatest PC is, you will be able to buy it for half the price in 12 months.

Murphy Computer Law 105
No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.

Murphy Computer Law 106
No matter how hard you work, the boss will only appear when you access the Internet.

Murphy Computer Law 107
No matter how many resources you have, it is never enough.

Murphy Computer Law 108
No matter what problem you have with your computer – Its Always Microsoft’s fault

Murphy Computer Law 109
Non Crash Operating System aren’t.

Murphy Computer Law 110
Patches – don’t.

Murphy Computer Law 111
Pioneers get arrows

Murphy Computer Law 112
Plugins Law: Whenever you install a group of plugins one by one just to find out which one can make your software work, you either haven’t gotten the right one, or have accidentally skipped the right one or it has become the last one installed.

Murphy Computer Law 113
Profanity is one language all computer users know.

Murphy Computer Law 114
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Murphy Computer Law 115
Proof-read all e-mails three or four times before sending it. All errors are detected immediatly after being sent

Murphy Computer Law 116
Real programmers don’t comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Murphy Computer Law 117
So if your code is as clever as you can possibly make it, then by definition you’re not smart enough to debug it.

Murphy Computer Law 118
Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.

Murphy Computer Law 119
Software does not fail when the technician is in the room.

Murphy Computer Law 120
Software Reliability: Investment in software reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors.

Murphy Computer Law 121
The amount of damage that a string of code can do is inversely proportional to the length of the string

Murphy Computer Law 122
The amount of time taken to successfully complete a software project is in direct proportion to the amount of Marketing input.

Murphy Computer Law 123
The best way to see your boss is to access the Internet.

Murphy Computer Law 124
The boss will always come to your workspace when you accidentally open an adult link

Murphy Computer Law 125
The chance of a virus infecting your network is directly proportional to the amount of damage it does.

Murphy Computer Law 126
the chance to lose data is inversely proportional to the number people in the room when updating a simple server program

Murphy Computer Law 127
The chances of a program doing what it’s supposed to do is inversely proportional to the number of lines of code used to write it.

Murphy Computer Law 128
The chances of getting off work on time is inversely proportional to how much e-mail the boss leaves for until end of the day.

Murphy Computer Law 129
The conclusion of the last two laws: Every non trivial program can be simplified to one line of code, and it will contain a bug.

Murphy Computer Law 130
The documented interfaces between standard software modules will have undocumented quirks.

Murphy Computer Law 131
The faster you need a hardcopy, the more people will be using the only office printer.

Murphy Computer Law 132
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you’d least expect to find it.

Murphy Computer Law 133
The hard drive on your computer will only crash when it contains vital information that has not been backed up.

Murphy Computer Law 134
The likelihood of problems occurring is inversely proportional to the amount of time remaining before the deadline.

Murphy Computer Law 135
The longer it takes to download a program the more likely it won’t run.

Murphy Computer Law 136
The longer the e-mail, the greater the chance it will not make it to its detination, for whatever reason

Murphy Computer Law 137
The maintenance engineer will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

Murphy Computer Law 138
The more pop-up screens you have, the more likely the boss will come by

Murphy Computer Law 139
The most frightening of viruses is the virus you do not know is already there.

Murphy Computer Law 140
The most ominous words for those using computers: “Daddy, what does ‘Now formatting Drive C mean’?”

Murphy Computer Law 141
The new version always manages to change the one feature you need most.

Murphy Computer Law 142
The number of bugs always exceeds the number of lines found in a program.

Murphy Computer Law 143
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

Murphy Computer Law 144
the OEM did not actually manufacture the part you need to replace

Murphy Computer Law 145
The only program that runs perfectly every time, is a virus

Murphy Computer Law 146
The only thing worse than an end-user without a clue is an end-user who has a clue – usually the wrong one.

Murphy Computer Law 147
The people who say that computers are simple to use are the same people who tell you how to build a watch when you ask what time it is.

Murphy Computer Law 148
The probability of a hardware failure disappearing is inversely proportional to the distance between the computer and the customer engineer.

Murphy Computer Law 149
The probability of bugs appearing is directly proportional to the number and importance of people watching.

Murphy Computer Law 150
The probability of forgetting your password is directly proportional to the frequency of changing it.

Murphy Computer Law 151
The problem always exists between one keyboard and it’s respective chair. (On submission problem was insomnia… zzzzzz)

Murphy Computer Law 152
The quickest way to shutdown a PC is to unplug it.

Murphy Computer Law 153
The smaller the size of your email account, the more junk mail you will get

Murphy Computer Law 154
The smallest problems will immediately be brought to the attention of the CEO, but the big problems will be ignored until the affected system goes down.

Murphy Computer Law 155
The sound of grinding metal or the sight of smoke coming from a case is a warning that you are trying to do too much with too little.

Murphy Computer Law 156
The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.

Murphy Computer Law 157
The subtlest bugs cause the greatest damage and problems.

Murphy Computer Law 158
The survivability of a system is directly proportional to the price of the cooling system applied to it and inversely proportional to the amount of use it sees.

Murphy Computer Law 159
The troubleshooting guide contains the answer to every problem except yours.

Murphy Computer Law 160
The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.

Murphy Computer Law 161
The worst bugs in your program will show up only during the final review.

Murphy Computer Law 162
There is an inverse relationship between an organization’s hierarchy and its understanding of computers.

Murphy Computer Law 163
To err is human… to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it’s downright natural.

Murphy Computer Law 164
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

Murphy Computer Law 165
Variables won’t

Murphy Computer Law 166
Walking on water and developing software to specification are easy as long as both are frozen.

Murphy Computer Law 167
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

Murphy Computer Law 168
When designing a program to handle all possible dumb errors, nature creates a dumber user

Murphy Computer Law 169
When putting something into memory, always remember where you put it.

Murphy Computer Law 170
When the Downloading Window says “99%complete”, there will be a fluctuation in the voltage and you’ll have to start all over again.

Murphy Computer Law 171
When the going gets tough, upgrade.

Murphy Computer Law 172
When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.

Murphy Computer Law 173
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

Murphy Computer Law 174
Whenever you need a crucial file from the server, the network will be down.

Murphy Computer Law 175
Whenever you need a crucial file from your hard drive, your computer will crash.

Murphy Computer Law 176
You only receive instant messaging, when working on a project that’s due instantly

Murphy Computer Law 177
You will always discover errors in your work after you have printed/submitted it.

Murphy Computer Law 178
You will get disconnected from the Internet or experience a computer crash when you are downloading. If you don’t experience one within 80% completion, then it will happen at 99%. If you do manage to get the file, then it will turn out to be completely useless and/or invalid.

Murphy Computer Law 179
You’ll always receive an e-mail from a web site that you never visit before.