Chuck Norris Jokes

The Ultimate Collection of 644 Chuck Norris Jokes, if you know of more please post them at the bottom.

182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

70% of a humans weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris’ weight is his dick.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his *** twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false – no one could survive it the first time.

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay’s potato chips, saying “Betcha can’t eat just one!” Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history’s most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

A roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”

Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Anyone can piss on the floor, but chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”

As an infant, Chuck Norris’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Before sliced bread, people used to say “That’s the greatest thing since Chuck Norris”. But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Brokeback Mountain is not the name of a movie, it is the pile of dead ninjas in Chuck Norris’ backyard

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Noris believes it’s not butter.

Chuck Noris can rhyme orange and purple… with each other!

Chuck Noris has already been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Noris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Noris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Noris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the PlayStation back to Japan.

Chuck Norris can beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lay’s potato chip.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

Chuck Norris CAN in fact ‘raise the roof’. And he can do it with one hand.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands

Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question… just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

Chuck Norris can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

Chuck Norris cowboy boots are made of real cowboys

Chuck Norris credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

Chuck Norris describes human beings as “a sociable holder for blood and guts”.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Chuck Norris did not “lose” his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!

Chuck Norris does not “style” his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris’ fists is inside his own body.

Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ***. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris does not have a religion. The gods worship Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

Chuck Norris does not kick *** and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks *** and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the Internet.

Chuck Norris does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig’s blood.

Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

Chuck Norris doesn’t chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman lives.

Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat breakfast, he forces it into submission.

Chuck Norris doesn’t get the belt, the belt get Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris

Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting because it implies the possibility of failure Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting…. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.

Chuck Norris doesn’t go on the Internet, he has every Internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes web pages by blinking.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have blood. He is filled with magma.

Chuck Norris doesn’t kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

Chuck Norris doesn’t look both ways before he crosses the street… he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

Chuck Norris doesn’t own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Chuck Norris doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris doesn’t say “who’s your daddy”, because he knows the answer.

Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris doesnt sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.”

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris don’t open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”

Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

Chuck Norris favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails ‘N’ Gravel.

Chuck Norris figured out a way to make his dink 10 inches long. He folded it in half.

Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as “acts of God.”

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting… because he’s not acting.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ***, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

Chuck Norris invented the beard.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football– in that order.

Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris is “The best a man can get”

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.

Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not in your extended network, you are in his

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China’s over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot — and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But Chuck Norris isn’t black”, then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

Chuck Norris just says “no” to drugs. If he said “yes”, it would collapse Colombia’s infrastructure.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, “You want fries with that” because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn’t ever want fries with anything. Ever.

Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know – Except for the definition of mercy.

Chuck Norris knows the last two digits of Pi

Chuck Norris let the dogs out

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they’re always slick with blood.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they all knew karate, and they are now known as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris once challanged Lance Armstring in a “Who has more testicles” contest. Chuck Norris won… by five.

Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack, his heart lost.

Chuck Norris once had sex in a trailer and a little bit of sperm got in the gas tank, we now know this trailer as Optimus Prime

Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up– Jack Bauer and MacGyver.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his “Filet of Child” sandwich.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the SOUL.

Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

Chuck Norris once shat blood – the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is “his” way.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

Chuck Norris once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris. He won.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows – A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

Chuck Norris penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.

Chuck Norris pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis’ Career.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking… because the Rock is Chuck Norris’ personal chef.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

Chuck Norris tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

chuck Norris testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

Chuck Norris uses 8′x10′ sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of “the best damn espresso on Earth”.

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur’s court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin’ about.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris wears Orion’s Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris wipes his *** with chain mail and sandpaper.

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ***-kicking.

Chuck Norris favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

Chuck Norris’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius.

Chuck Norris’s show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn’t run.

Chuck Norris’s sweat has burned holes in concrete.

Chuck Norris’s version of a “chocolate milkshake” is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot *** kicking in real-time.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Coroners refer to dead people as “ABC’s”. Already Been Chucked.

Count from one to ten. That’s how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you…Fourty seven times.

Crime does not pay – unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one……..one bad-*** that is.

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn’t like Fudge Ripple.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Earth’s emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Chuck Norris always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.”

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

For Chuck Norris, every street is “one way”. HIS WAY.

For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more “Missing in Action” sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

For Spring Break ’05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his *** and take it.

God said “Let there be light”, Chuck Noris said “Say please”.

God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Chuck Norris gave him 6.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris’ first visit to Tokyo.

Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for “Chuck Norris’ basement”.

Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

Guns kill 12 people a day. chuck noris kills 20.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

‘Icy-Hot’ is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris’ misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he’ll beat it into you.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ***.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his *** kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

If you rearrange the letters in “Chuck Norris”, they also spell “Crush Rock In”. The words “with his fists” are understood.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.

If you’re driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization “Kick Drugs Out of America”. If the organization’s name were “Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America”, there wouldn’t be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease”

In the movie “The Matrix”, Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green “falling code” scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

In the Words of Julius Caesar, “Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

it only takes chuck Norris 1 lick to get to the center of a tootsie pop

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

It’s widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris’ stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris’ skin.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer’s arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris’ ***. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn’t kill women.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor was originally written as Chuck Norris’ theme song.

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Maslow’s theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

Most boots are made for walkin’. Chuck Norris’ boots ain’t that merciful.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.

Most people know that Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Chuck Norris.”

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Movie trivia: The movie “Invasion U.S.A.” is, in fact, a documentary.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool’s head off.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Occam’s Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris’ Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine’s Day.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Noris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris…Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply…Chuck Norris

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

Rules of fighting: 1) Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don’t bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a “hole.” Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with “obstruction of justice.” This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

Scientists believe the world began with the “Big Bang”. Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a “bad case of gas”.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Noris can piss his name into concrete.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those “some people” are now dead.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas when he goes to sleep.

Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Texas does not have a police force. They have Chuck Norris.

That’s not Chuck Norris doing push-ups — that’s Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris’s sweat.

The adjective “perfect” originated when Chuck Norris gave his penis a nickname.

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

The bermuda triangle is a myth. That’s just were Chuck Norris practices his round house kicks.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

The Bible was originally titled “Chuck Norris and Friends”

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris’ initials. This is not a coincidence.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris’s home town say “Die slowly” and “die quickly”. They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

The Drummer for Def Leppard’s only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris’ age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Chuck Norris.

The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn’t even come close.

The movie “Delta Force” was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they’ll be the same thing.

The only thing better than Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris on TV, talking about Chuck Norris.

The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s *** halfway through the first chapter.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

The original title for Star Wars was “Skywalker: Texas Ranger”. Starring Chuck Norris.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

The phrase ‘balls to the wall’ was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

The phrase ‘break a leg’ was originally coined by Chuck Norris’s co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

The pie scene in “American Pie” is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris’ case, the “pie” was the molten crater of an active volcano.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris’ left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn’t tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn’t want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

The term “Cleveland Steamer” got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

The Titanic didn’t sink by hitting an iceberg, it really hit Chuck Norris’ chin as he was making his usual laps around the North Atlantic.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away

The word ‘Kill’ was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were ‘Die’, ‘Beer’, and ‘What’.

The world’s fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.

There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

There are two types of people in the world… people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris…. Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

They had to edit the first ending of ‘Lone Wolf McQuade’ after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine’s ***, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem– It wouldn’t take **** from anybody.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”

Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because “The Sum of All Fears” is the name of Chuck Norris’ autobiography.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Unless you’re Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris.

What is the quickest way to mans heart? Chuck Norris’s fist.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.

What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.

What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

When Arnold says the line “I’ll be back” in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

When Bruce Willis gets mad, he turns into The Incredible Hulk. When The Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer…10 new facts were added instantly.including this one

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

When Chuck Norris goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn’t get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrised.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn’t have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

When Chuck Norris has sex with men, it is not because he is gay, but because he has ran out of women.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.

When Chuck Norris is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn’t go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.

When Chuck Norris says “More cowbell”, he MEANS it.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don’t say “Atchoo” he says “DIE EVERYONE!!!”. That’s what happens next.

When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

When Chuck Norris talks to a Russian He doesn’t speak Russian. The Russian, speaks Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a “Chuck Norris”. It is also known as a “Bloody Mary”, if your name happens to be Mary.

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said “I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds”, He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

When somebody yells “Last one in is a rotten egg,” Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When you are Chuck Norris every light claps on and off.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out… and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

Whoever said “only the good die young” was probably in Chuck Norris’s kindergarten class.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: “Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris”

You are what you eat. Chuck Noris eats steel.

You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

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