Funny Jokes

Blind Joke 1
One day two blind men started fighting. Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them. Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out “I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.” Both men ran away.

Blind Joke 2
Q: Why don’t blind people skydive? A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

Blind Joke 3
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!” The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

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Birthday Joke 1
A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?” She said, “I d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”

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Bird Joke 1
A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot “Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I ll break your neck, do you understand?” The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can’t get the case closed. “Get on top and sit on it baby!” Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can’t shut the case. “You get on top baby it might be better” Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case. After a little thought the man says “Ok we ll both get on top see if that’s any better!” The parrot turns round and says “Neck or no neck I have to see this!”

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Biologist Joke 1
Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack. The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, “What in the world are you doing?” He replies, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we ll jump down and make a run for it.” The second guy says, “Are you crazy? We both know you can’t outrun a full-grown grizzly bear.” The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!”

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Bicycle Joke 1
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags?”, asked the guard. “Sand,” said the cyclist. “Get them off - we ll take a look,” said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. “Say friend, you sure had us crazy”, said the guard. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word - but what is it you were smu ggling?” “Bicycles!”

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Bed Joke 1
Who stole the sheets from the bed? Bed buglars.

Bed Joke 2
What should you do if you find a snake in your bed? Sleep in the wardrobe.

Bed Joke 3
What do you call a python with a great bedside manner? A snake charmer.

Bed Joke 4
What should you do if you find a witch in your bed? Run!

Bed Joke 5
Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister’s bed? Son: I couldn’t find a spider.

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Beauty Joke 1
My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion. Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.

Beauty Joke 2
I m not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased! But that’s the problem - you don’t please anyone.

Beauty Joke 3
Fred: What’s that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders? Harry: Help! What is it? Fred: Your head!

Beauty Joke 4
She’s so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.

Beauty Joke 5
First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that’s vanity? Second girl: No, it’s imagination.

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Bath Joke 1
How do vampire football players get the mud off? They all get in the bat-tub.

Bath Joke 2
Which villains steal soap from the bath? Robber ducks.

Bath Joke 3
Boy: Dad, dad, there’s a spider in the bath. Dad: What’s wrong with that? You’ve seen spiders before. Boy: Yes, but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!

Bath Joke 4
Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath, Mrs Soap? Mrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I d drunk the bath there wasn’t room for medicine.

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Barbie Doll Joke 1
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Crash Test Barbie …comes with car and brick wall

Barbie Doll Joke 2
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Marie Antionette Barbie …with removable head; guillotine included

Barbie Doll Joke 3
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hiroshima Barbie …just a shadow of her former self

Barbie Doll Joke 4
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - East German Swim Team Barbie …a Barbie head on a Ken doll

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Bar Joke 1
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, I m Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, I m Jesus Christ. So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies,

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Banana Joke 1
Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches.

Banana Joke 2
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.

Banana Joke 3
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

Banana Joke 4
Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant? Nick: I don’t know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can’t talk.

Banana Joke 5
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!

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Baby Joke 1
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

Baby Joke 2
Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world? She didn’t push the pram - she pulled it.

Baby Joke 3
What was the policeman’s baby’s first words ? Hallo, Hallo, Hallo !

Baby Joke 4
Knock knock. Who’s there? Baby Owl. Baby Owl who? Baby Owl see you later, baby not.

Baby Joke 5
How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake? It has a rattle.

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