Free Funny Jokes Blog

Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive.’

Read full article at Best Goldfish Joke Ever!

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Understanding MarketingYou see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, “I'm fantastic in bed.”That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, “She's/He's fantastic in bed.”That's Advertising. You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.”That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, “By the way, I'm fantastic in bed.”That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, “I hear you're fantastic in bed.”That's Brand Recognition.

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Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

Read full article at Chair Man of the Board

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A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were noill effects, so he forgot about it.Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. “You know, ” said the doctor, “you really have to learn to trust me.”

Read full article at I See You!

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What's dangerous and swings from trees? A monkey with a chainsaw!

Read full article at What\’s dangerous and swings from trees?

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A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The boss said, “Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job.” So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. “Well,” he said, “Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek.” The jock complained, “Don't you think that's prejudice or something?” “Well,” the boss said, “Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

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A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.”I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I''''ll have a basketball team!” said the Catholic.”That''''s nothing!'''''''' said the Baptist. ''''''''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I''''ll have a football team!”"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'''''''' said the Mormon. ''''''''I have seventeen wives. One more and I''''ll have a golf course!”

Read full article at Peopling The Earth

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A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey. He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated. As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have.” ''Anything?'' he says, getting fairly excited. ''Yes, anything.'' she replies. So he says, ''Will you hold the donkey!?''

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1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!” 2. Whistle the first seven notes of “It's a Small World” incessantly. 3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?” 4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom. 9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I've got new socks on!” 10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!” 11. Meow occasionally. 12. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends. 13. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side. 14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You're one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator. 15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it. 16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?” 17. Say “Ding!” at each floor. 18. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons. 19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.” 21. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.” 22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 23. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers. 24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

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One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knew that he had an ''advanced'' vocabulary for his age, so she was trying to avoid calling on him. When the teacher asked for a word beginning with “A”, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher knew he would say “ass” so she called on Mary Lou, who said ''apple”. This continued through most of the alphabet, because his teacher knew that there was a cuss word that Johnny would say for every letter of the alphabet. Then she got to ''R''. She thought for a moment, but couldn't think of any cuss words that began with R, so she called on Johnny. ''R is for rats - big FUCKING rats, with twelve-inch cocks!''

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A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!”? She begins to drool.The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, “See those, baby?? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She is aching for action at this point.Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to go?”She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left it.

Read full article at Dog w/o Wheels

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